So my cards have been printed and I’ll be sending them out shortly. In previous years, I paid a company to address, sign, stamp, and mail them all for me, but because I’m feeling particularly creative (oh, and because of that whole finances-destroying divorce thing), I decided to do it all myself.
As I sit here, pen in hand, 300+ blank cards in front of me, I have been trying to come up with the perfect holiday message. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
- You put the “Ho” in “Ho Ho Ho”.
- May your home be filled with love and not rats or snakes.
- Wishing you peace, joy, happiness, and boners.
- Merry Christmas unless you’re a Jew or Muslim or other religion that doesn’t recognize the fucking awesomeness of Santa Claus, in which case, Happy Holidays!
- May the holidays bring you closure with the fact that you never got the bike you wanted when you were 7.
- You know who has a beard and was last seen alive at age 33? Me. Also? Jesus. Well, and Orlando Bloom.
- May your cardboard box withstand the harsh winter.
- Lesions are the Reason for the Season.
- Best wishes for a Christmas without a rabid wolverine attack.
- Happy Hollandaise.
- Wishing you a season of bountiful eating and no sharting.
- This card is brought to you by the letters “F” and “U”. Frabjous Undulations!
- May your home be emptied by strangers with a truck when you’re out of town visiting your family.
- Merry cocksucking motherfucking Christmas from the Tourettes.
Which is your favorite? Any other suggestions?