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What should I write on my holiday cards?

So my cards have been printed and I’ll be sending them out shortly.  In previous years, I paid a company to address, sign, stamp, and mail them all for me, but because I’m feeling particularly creative (oh, and because of that whole finances-destroying divorce thing), I decided to do it all myself.

As I sit here, pen in hand, 300+ blank cards in front of me, I have been trying to come up with the perfect holiday message.  Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

  • You put the “Ho” in “Ho Ho Ho”.
  • May your home be filled with love and not rats or snakes.
  • Wishing you peace, joy, happiness, and boners.
  • Merry Christmas unless you’re a Jew or Muslim or other religion that doesn’t recognize the fucking awesomeness of Santa Claus, in which case, Happy Holidays!
  • May the holidays bring you closure with the fact that you never got the bike you wanted when you were 7.
  • You know who has a beard and was last seen alive at age 33?  Me.  Also? Jesus.  Well, and Orlando Bloom.
  • May your cardboard box withstand the harsh winter.
  • Lesions are the Reason for the Season.
  • Best wishes for a Christmas without a rabid wolverine attack.
  • Happy Hollandaise.
  • Wishing you a season of bountiful eating and no sharting.
  • This card is brought to you by the letters “F” and “U”.  Frabjous Undulations!
  • May your home be emptied by strangers with a truck when you’re out of town visiting your family.
  • Merry cocksucking motherfucking Christmas from the Tourettes.

Which is your favorite?  Any other suggestions?

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68 Replies to “What should I write on my holiday cards?”

  1. MariaV

    Love the Tourettes.

    A play on Zoeyjane’s contribution: “Wishing you lots of boxes and flagpoles this season.” or “Hope you pitch a lot of boxes with your flagpole this holiday season.”

  2. Poppy

    I would like a customized card that says:

    You are the best people in the entire universe and I am so lucky to have you as my friends. If you were in the same room with me right now I’d give you both a two-armed hug, you’re just that great. BTW, my birthday gift better be really fucking awesome, douchewads.

    That’d be funny. 🙂

  3. Issa

    300? By hand? You may be crazy. I sent eight cards this year. I’m an ass though.

    I guess it’s a tie between: You know who has a beard and was last seen alive at age 33? Me. Also? Jesus. Well, and Orlando Bloom. & Best wishes for a Christmas without a rabid wolverine attack.

    Maybe half and half?

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