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My Predictions for 2011

Last year, I made some predictions for 2010, most of which didn’t come true in the slightest.  I’m going to dust off my crystal balls and try again:

January:  Fourteen people will die from the riot that ensues during a Ke$ha concert when her auto-tuner turns off and the audience actually hears her real voice singing.

February:  Tom Cruise will finally announce to the world the secret he’s been hiding for many years – that he is indeed the alien god Xenu.

March:  After a quick romance, a TSA employee and the passenger he fondled will get married on the tarmac at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport.

April:  Bloggers will be in an uproar after a married daddyblogger is discovered to have been secretly emailing female bloggers with sexually suggestive limericks, all using “Nantucket”.

May:  Mel Gibson will alienate every last person who still supported him when he punches a woman of mixed Inuit/Chinese/Black/French/Irish heritage and blames it on Woody Allen.

June:  An asteroid that is headed directly for Earth will be discovered.  President Obama will attempt to develop a way to divert the asteroid but will be blocked in Congress by Republicans who don’t think that anybody deserves free asteroid security.

July:  Folgers Coffee will be boycotted by angry mom bloggers after it airs a commercial that implies that its product will help mothers get up earlier than their husbands to get the kids ready for school.

August:  FOX will air a new reality TV show that pits couch potatoes from the Middle East against each other on a quest to lose weight.  The title:  Iran Sofa Weigh.

September:  Somebody will accidentally hook up their iPhone to Apple TV to an Android to Google and Skynet will be created.

October:  Kanye West’s Halloween costume of a white man going in blackface causes critics worldwide to be really confused.

November:  After Glenn Beck links turkeys with socialism and liberal billionaires destroying the lives of Americans in an attempt to get Thanksgiving canceled, everyone finally realizes what a blowhard he is.

December:  Osama bin Laden is found in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, where he’s become a dairy farmer named Luke.

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35 Replies to “My Predictions for 2011”

  1. Grant

    There has to be a market for a reality show starring Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson. Call it “Who is Hollywood’s Insanest Star?” The winner gets banned from the US. Round out the show with Gary Busey and Nick Nolte.

  2. Lisa

    September made me laugh too. My husband could totally make that happen completely by accident and stand back with a confused look on his face when everyone freaked out. He’s technologically disinclined.

  3. Lisa

    September made me laugh too. My husband could totally make that happen completely by accident and stand back with a confused look on his face when everyone freaked out. He’s technologically disinclined.

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