Last year, I made some predictions for 2010, most of which didn’t come true in the slightest. I’m going to dust off my crystal balls and try again:
January: Fourteen people will die from the riot that ensues during a Ke$ha concert when her auto-tuner turns off and the audience actually hears her real voice singing.
February: Tom Cruise will finally announce to the world the secret he’s been hiding for many years – that he is indeed the alien god Xenu.
March: After a quick romance, a TSA employee and the passenger he fondled will get married on the tarmac at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport.
April: Bloggers will be in an uproar after a married daddyblogger is discovered to have been secretly emailing female bloggers with sexually suggestive limericks, all using “Nantucket”.
May: Mel Gibson will alienate every last person who still supported him when he punches a woman of mixed Inuit/Chinese/Black/French/Irish heritage and blames it on Woody Allen.
June: An asteroid that is headed directly for Earth will be discovered. President Obama will attempt to develop a way to divert the asteroid but will be blocked in Congress by Republicans who don’t think that anybody deserves free asteroid security.
July: Folgers Coffee will be boycotted by angry mom bloggers after it airs a commercial that implies that its product will help mothers get up earlier than their husbands to get the kids ready for school.
August: FOX will air a new reality TV show that pits couch potatoes from the Middle East against each other on a quest to lose weight. The title: Iran Sofa Weigh.
September: Somebody will accidentally hook up their iPhone to Apple TV to an Android to Google and Skynet will be created.
October: Kanye West’s Halloween costume of a white man going in blackface causes critics worldwide to be really confused.
November: After Glenn Beck links turkeys with socialism and liberal billionaires destroying the lives of Americans in an attempt to get Thanksgiving canceled, everyone finally realizes what a blowhard he is.
December: Osama bin Laden is found in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, where he’s become a dairy farmer named Luke.