Oprah Winfrey, the black woman’s white man’s Asian child’s foodie’s Anthony Bourdain, launched her new television network on January 1st to relatively positive reviews. At this point, the channel lineup consists of uplifting, happy shows with a goal of entertaining and elevating spirits, but I know that the fall season is going to be a bit different. Here are just some of the shows you can look forward to:
Oprah’d! (Mondays at 9 PM) – following in the footsteps of veteran television personalities Allen Funt and Ashton Kutcher, this new hourlong prank show will feature some of Oprah’s closest friends. Watch Stedman react to a phony positive pregnancy test and laugh until you cry when Dr. Phil gets attacked by ninjas at a book signing!
Piles of Cash (Nightly at 4 PM) – This HD only channel simulating the inflow of cash to Oprah’s bank account allows any viewer to experience what it would be like to earn millions of dollars an hour before they return to their sad, pathetic lives.
What’s Under Your Chair? (Wednesdays at 10 AM) – In order to make the OWN a success, Oprah has spared no expense. She has hired an expert team of burglars who are flown to an undisclosed home in the United States that belongs to one of the millions of viewers who registered their name and address on the OWN website. Each week, Oprah will appear on screen and announce that week’s prize, then slowly and painfully narrow down the winner until only one lucky viewer reaches under his or her living room chair to find a voucher for the prize! Viewers are discouraged from checking under their chairs early by random sniper surveillance.
Survivor: The Talk Show Host Edition (Every third Saturday at 1:12 PM) – Watch as washed-up talk show hosts such as Sally Jesse Raphael, Ricki Lake, Phil Donahue, and Geraldo Rivera are pitted against each other on a deserted island . . . to the death!
The Big O Theory (Days with the letter “t” in them, at 6:55 PM) – Watch as famous Os Suze Orman, Ozzie Osbourne, Rick Ocasek and Chad Ochocinco share an apartment and try to get girls while struggling to reach the recognition of their idol, Oprah.
The Color Purple (Whenever they feel like it) – Airing between every other show, the film that showcases Oprah’s Oscar-nominated performance will be shown on a consistent and regular basis until every last viewer has seen and publicly acknowledged her greatness.
LOST (Thursdays at 8 PM/Tuesdays at 10 PM in the sideways world) – In this reimagining of the JJ Abrams hit series, a plane full of passengers on their way to Los Angeles crashes on a mystical island and the passengers are constantly threatened by a black monster that increases and decreases in size and emits loud guttural sounds while forcing each passenger to confront his or her tumultuous past, no matter how dark or painful.
The Bachelorette (Whenever your significant other is out of the house so you can finally watch it in peace without him complaining or making fun of it) – The flaw in most reality dating shows is that the bachelor or bachelorette is the one who chooses the winner. In this twist, Oprah personally selects the most suitable men, eliminates those who don’t make the cut, and uses a strict standard of couch jumping to height ratio to determine who will be the Bachelorette’s true love.
Shit My Oprah Says (Tuesdays at 8 PM) – Whether it’s talking about her vajayjay or ripping James Frey a new asshole, Oprah has plenty to say, and this new sitcom fictionalizing some of her most famous sayings and quotes over the last 25 years will have you in stitches. The part of Oprah Winfrey will be played by Betty White, Dr. Phil will be played by Sam Elliot’s mustache, Gayle King will be played by Elmo the Muppet, and Stedman will be played each week by a rotating guest lesbian actress.