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The Christmas Card.

This year’s Christmas card took four costume changes, trips to Goodwill, the Salvation Army, Target, and Cracker Barrel, and 319 stamps going to 13 countries:

Obviously, it’s my riff on the family portrait, complete with cheesy sweaters, an excited child, and a sullen teen.

The first photo we shot (we being me, the model, and Jess, my friend and evil camera ninja) in the impromptu photo studio in my living room was the jubilant father, replete with horrible Christmas sweater, cheesy vest, and even cheesier smile:

Of course, to test out the lighting, I tried a few other poses that didn’t quite make the cut:

Angry Dad!
Vogue Dad

Next, with a simple wig, horribly tacky Christmas sweater, T-shirts balled into boobs, Christmas ornaments turned into earrings, and a green sheet wrapped around my waist, I was transformed into a beautiful woman.  With the help of a ton of makeup:

My Blue Steel Look
My "Come Hither" Look
The Crying Game Pose
I'm a Tiger. Rawr.
The final pose

Next was the pose for the little boy.  A pair of glasses and a Santa hat plus an eager look was all it took:

The kid can't stand still!
Eager Chipmunk Look
Final pose

And finally, what family would be complete without the sullen teenager who won’t dress up or participate in the festivities at all?

The sullen teen

Once the photos were done, my friend James took them and Photoshopped them into a Christmasy background that I purchased from iStockphoto and voila!  All that needed to be done was get them printed (Thanks, Vistaprint!), address 319 envelopes and write personal messages in every card.  It took several days of work and hours of effort, but it was worth it.  Now I just have to figure out how to top it for next year!

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109 Replies to “The Christmas Card.”

  1. Miss

    Loved that the sullen teenager had the phone in his hands. PERFECT. Loved the card and I know you’ll think of something awesome for next year.

    You better anyways or this friendship is so over.

  2. Kimberly

    I LOVE IT!!! I’m even more impressed with the 319 personal messages. You could have just sent it out with the generic greeting printed just like EVERY Christmas card I received this year.

    Seriously, this is a riot! Good job you!

  3. Dave2

    The card is awesome, as always. When I first saw it, I wanted to scan it into Photoshop so I could add shadows and fix proportions and such so it would be more realistic… but then I realized that part of the reason it’s so dang funny is that it’s so obviously Photoshopped, and that made me love it even more. Full marks, sir. Full marks indeed.

  4. muskrat

    I loved it. In fact, it’s still on our mantle, next to the Christmas tree that’s still up.

    This “behind the scenes” reminds me of the one they made for the “Thriller” video in the mid-’80s!

  5. cagey

    That was simply awesome. I was more than happy to hang that lovely “family” of dysfunction amongst the crowd of papery sugar I had already received. My husband was a little perplexed by it all, but he doesn’t understand the importance of Christmas cards, much less the blogging.

  6. Grant

    If only you were as awesome as me, you would have only had three takers and you wouldn’t have had to spend so much time doing xmas. You could have done like me and ordered something from Amazon, learned that Amazon doesn’t ship much to Canada, have it shipped to your house, have the gifts come in three separate shipments, have the good one disappear in the mail, spend time calling the post office and Amazon, get told it’s lost and the seller can’t reship, and then repackage the remaining gifts and remail them after standing in a huge line at UPS who only had an option to send via US mail (the non-trackable kind), so jebus only knows if anyone ever got any of my stuff.

    Next year do a naughty Asian schoolgirl Silence of the Lambs tuck-back for the win.

  7. Zak

    It was epic. I will have you know I have your card on my desk and I just can’t bring myself to toss it. My ten year old showed it to her BFF last weekend, they were giving you mad props. You are really going to come up with something incredible next year to top it.

    The sullen teen is my fav, kills me.

  8. Mr Lady

    We got this in the mail while my mother in law was here for Christmas. She, who is the crotchediest, nasty skank ass chump of a human being, was like, Dude? Seriously? This is the best christmas card in the world. And her heart grew THREE sizes that day.

    Avitable: The Messiah. For assholes.

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