If you haven’t already marked it on your calendars, my birthday is in 11 days. On January 26th, I turn the ripe old age of 34.
Usually, on my birthday, I ask the Internet to send me gifts and candy and cards and lots of other material possessions just to make me feel better.
Not this year.
- This year, I want there to be peace in the Middle East.
- I want our country to stop tearing itself in two.
- The economy needs to improve in a significant way.
- Gay marriage should be legal nationwide.
- Teachers should start making six-figure incomes.
- I want to get superpowers. Super-speed is my top priority.
- I’d like to be about three inches taller and 60 pounds lighter.
- The people who should feel remorse should feel remorse and the people who should forgive should forgive and we should all be one happy family, putting everything behind us.
- Teleportation should be invented so I can travel from California to Canada to New York to Pennsylvania to Indiana to Louisiana to Texas to Washington back to Florida all instantaneously.
- I want all of my friends who are writing books to get their books published and get on the NY Times Best Sellers List.
- I want aliens to make contact.
- I want proof of ghosts.
- I want the world to be content.
You have 11 days, Internet. This list isn’t too difficult to accomplish, is it?
Oh. Well, then I guess you should just buy me some fucking presents instead.