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All I want for my birthday

If you haven’t already marked it on your calendars, my birthday is in 11 days. On January 26th, I turn the ripe old age of 34.

Usually, on my birthday, I ask the Internet to send me gifts and candy and cards and lots of other material possessions just to make me feel better.

Not this year.

  • This year, I want there to be peace in the Middle East.
  • I want our country to stop tearing itself in two.
  • The economy needs to improve in a significant way.
  • Gay marriage should be legal nationwide.
  • Teachers should start making six-figure incomes.
  • I want to get superpowers. Super-speed is my top priority.
  • I’d like to be about three inches taller and 60 pounds lighter.
  • The people who should feel remorse should feel remorse and the people who should forgive should forgive and we should all be one happy family, putting everything behind us.
  • Teleportation should be invented so I can travel from California to Canada to New York to Pennsylvania to Indiana to Louisiana to Texas to Washington back to Florida all instantaneously.
  • I want all of my friends who are writing books to get their books published and get on the NY Times Best Sellers List.
  • I want aliens to make contact.
  • I want proof of ghosts.
  • I want the world to be content.

You have 11 days, Internet. This list isn’t too difficult to accomplish, is it?

It is?

Oh. Well, then I guess you should just buy me some fucking presents instead.

56 thoughts on “All I want for my birthday”

  1. On the day you turn 34 I turn 75 so I’ll be wishing you a happy birthday. I want some of the same things you want like world peace, more money for teachers, peace in our country, legal gay marriage in every state and a better economy. Watch for my greeting on facebook. I like your blogs.

  2. I was just looking at your wish list and couldn’t help but notice that Amazon is offering 7 packs of your mint-choc-chip gum “new or used” – would I be right in assuming you don’t want me to send you any used gum, even if it is in your favourite flavour? I must admit the thought horrifies me (yet fascinates me at the same time… used by whom?!)…

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