mozzi (n) – a pseudonym for a heretofore unnamed and unborn child. See also moosh.
As I write this letter, you’re still comfortably entrenched in your mom‘s belly and won’t be venturing out in the world for a few months yet. Enjoy the pleasure of being warm and fed constantly while you can, though, because the world is a loud and confusing place. And I’m not just talking about Jersey Shore.
Who am I? Well, I’m Uncle Adam. Actually, maybe not, because your daddy isn’t too sure about guys who post pictures of their nuts on the Internet. How about Weird Quasi-Cousin Adam Who Lives In the Computer?
Your mom and I have been friends for three years, and I have to tell you, you’re going to be one lucky baby! You’ll have a dad who loves you and can lawyer you out of any trouble you get into, a big sister who’s so smart and clever that she’ll find tons of great ways to blame you for anything she does, and a mom who is about a thousand kinds of awesome.
Let me tell you about your mom. She’s funny, and can make people laugh big rolling laughs that shake the house. Your mommy is beautiful and lights up a room with her smile, her eyes, and her presence. She’s dynamic and smart and vivacious and the life of the party. And she is one of the best photographers I have ever seen. She is one of those unique people who is blessed with the ability to see the world differently than the rest of us, and we’re all lucky that she shares this talent with us. Even if she won’t shoot artistic nudes of me no matter how much I plead.
More than anything, though, your mom is strong. She’s a strong friend, someone that I can count on to keep me grounded, make me laugh, and just listen. She has a strong personality, never letting anyone run roughshod over her and never sacrificing her personal beliefs, faith or standards. She’s strong at heart and loves your big sister and your daddy fiercely and her friends with the passion of a mama lion. Your mom has strong, thick skin and she displays herself proudly for the world to see, judge, and comment on, flaws and all. She’s got an unbelievable strength in her very soul and even when she’s been at her worst, darkest moments, that strength has helped her climb back into the light. You couldn’t have a better, stronger, more protective person for a mommy.
Your mom has been trying to have you for a long, long time. She prayed and used doctors and even experimented with treatment that was really hard on her, to the point where she couldn’t even take it anymore. And when she finally decided that she was never going to be able to have another baby, a miracle happened. I’m not talking about a miracle like loaves of bread for everyone or Glee winning a Golden Globe, though. I’m talking about you growing inside her.
Coming into a world with parents who love you unconditionally, with a big sister who is so excited to meet you, and with a support group who loves your mom so much (and you by extension), is a pretty sweet gig. All we ask is that you don’t make it too hard for your mom. Just swim on out, easy as pie. Sleep through the night. Love your sister. Explore the world safely. Pick up your toys. Do your homework. Understand that your mom has been there and has done it all. Be safe. And most importantly, once you’re grown, don’t ever date anybody like me.
Weird Quasi-Cousin Adam Who Lives In the Computer Fuck it, I’m going with Uncle Adam