Jack LaLanne, the fitness guru, died at his home on Sunday at the age of 96. I sat down with him after his death and interviewed him.
Me: Thank you for speaking with me, Mr. LaLanne.
JL: Plmrph krmble grunph.
Me: Excuse me?
JL: Plmrph krmble- Sorry, I was chewing. I said, please call me Jack.
Me: Okay, Jack. Thank you. You’ve lived a very full life – do you have any regrets?
JL: I lived for almost 100 years, was married to the same woman for the last half-century, and marumph harmble shaloomph.
Me: Sorry, I didn’t get that last part.
JL: I’m sorry about that – before the interview, I was looking around for something to eat, and all you had was mayonnaise, bacon, and something called “Twinkies”. I decided to try one of these things and they’re amazing! Margle phangle mophenmoph.
Me: You’ve never had a Twinkie before?
JL: No, I remember when they were invented *scrumph*, when I was a teen, but *frooshmph” I haven’t had anything to eat or drink *bloor* except for juice since the late 1920s.
Me: Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying them.
JL: Enjoying them? *skorch* They’re fucking fantastic! Why didn’t anyone tell me? *crumph*
Me: Well, I think you were too busy with feats of strength and talking about juicing.
JL: Then, I guess *marphmle* I do have a regret. I wish I hadn’t kept myself *crunch* from eating hydrogenated fats and sugars! That fitness thing was just *murmph* something I did to get laid, anyway.
Me: So, just to recap, if you had one message to tell the public?
JL: Fuck juice. Eat Twinkies.
Me: You heard it here first.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!) in the sidebar –>