I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

Women of the World: I find this unattractive

I’m totally copying this title and idea from Jenny Grace.


Bad breath: If my first encounter with someone results in me inhaling your nasty-ass breath, I will never breathe in and speak to you again, forever. That’s not an exaggeration. I will forever hold my breath when you speak to me.

Excessive makeup: Blemishes happen.  Pale is cute.  Freckles are fucking awesome. But having your face be a different color from your neck because you don’t know how to apply makeup?  Not for me.

Dirtiness and odor: If you can’t be bothered to shower and stay clean, do your laundry, and clean under your fingernails, I won’t be interested.  It can’t be a chore – you have to like to be clean and make the effort to do so of your own volition.

Is there anyone who WOULD want to date someone who met those three descriptions?  I can’t imagine that there is.  And the fact that these three things are the only things that I can think of that (as far as general categories go) makes me feel like a whore.


If a woman does any of the following things, I’m not interested:

  • Chews like a cow
  • Uses text-speak regularly
  • Supports Sarah Palin
  • Thinks Leno is the funniest late night host
  • Refuses to read
  • Will not shave or maintain her bushfro
  • Drinks until she pukes every time
  • Gets violent when she drinks
  • Cannot take a joke
  • Doesn’t know how to tease or understand sarcasm
  • Has hairy armpits
  • Prefers ignorance over education
  • Speaks another language when she gets mad
  • Likes to be peed on
  • Thinks she’s not good enough
  • Is intolerant or hateful
  • Treats money like it grows on trees
  • Relies on her breasts to get ahead
  • Needs everything spelled out
  • Poops with the door open
  • Thinks farting on someone is funny
  • Treats her friends poorly
  • Doesn’t “get” the Internet
  • Hates all kids
  • Has no sense of whimsy or wonder
  • Has no healthy skepticism, either

I guess I’m not such a whore, after all.  I’m a pretentious ass instead!

Don’t forget! Tonight at 9 PM EST is the relaunch of Clearly, You’re Retarded! Go here to listen.

45 thoughts on “Women of the World: I find this unattractive”

  1. I’m actually rather curious, out of your long list above… how many of those traits have you come across with the women you have dated over the years?

    Hypothetical undesirable traits VS Experiential undesirable traits??


  2. I get violent when I play roller derby and I totally used my boobs to get a cheap price on a tire when I was stuck up on I-75 near Ocala. I guess I’m off the list. Boo!

    I really dislike when a man’s hands are baby soft. Just ew! I like a man’s hands to feel a little rough so it at least seems like he has done some manual labor in his life.

      1. @Avitable, Well, I’m not looking for someone with sandpaper hands, but still, they should seem a little lived in, ya know? And there’s nothing wrong with getting manicures. I wish HHH would get one every once in a while. His cuticles could use it!

  3. “speaks another language when she’s mad”….really? that’s kinda interesting.

    I get the rest, I truly do….but that one came as a surprise.

    PS – BlondFabulous, I think we are long lost sisters.

    1. @Natalie, the reason is that open and honest communication is mandatory for a successful relationship, but if a woman is going to rant at me in a different language, how can I have any real dialogue with her?

      1. @Avitable, but sometimes a rant is JUST a rant. And if someone is culturally different than you, it feels more authentic to rant in a different language. Not necessarily “communicate” in a different language. When someone uses a swear word to rant…is there really a dialogue that takes place? I’d argue that there isn’t. You express the frustration (which is understood, in the same way that a rant, in Spanish, for example, would be). You’d perhaps not “get” the words….but you’d know that you are being cursed at/ranted at/chastised. I don’t see as a big difference to swearing when angry.

        It just struck me as odd, that’s all, that someone (for example, like me or MANY of my French Canadian friends, who are all perfectly fluent in French and English….but have tendencies to rant sometimes when I (we) am (are) REALLY mad…in French) would be excluded by you, on this basis.

        Just my two cents.

        1. @Natalie, I’m a big believer in the idea that taking a deep breath and expressing why you’re angry is far superior to just yelling or ranting.

          I don’t lose my temper, ever, but I understand that other people do. If that happens, I need to be able to talk to them, not get lectured or chastised. It’s demeaning and undeserved.

          I see your point, though, and what made me think of it is actually the show “Modern Family”. Sofia Vergara’s character gets exasperated with her husband sometimes and just starts speaking in Spanish. That would drive me crazy.

  4. Lists that long show that the universe still allows you too many opportunities. You should spend a week in fantasy Grant camp, and then you’ll be begging the dirty over-made wenches to call you back.

  5. Bad breath is one thing I can’t stand, more because it immediately takes me back to ex-husband memories. I can’t be with a tobacco chewer for the same reason.

    I also thought I’d see something about tattoos on here!

  6. No wonder you like me so much!

    I’ll be listening………………………

    Someone is going to call me stupid for using too many dots in my ellipse. And I’m not going to care because I’m awesome.

  7. Shit. I guess I’ll have to cross ‘bang Avitable’ off of my bucketlist, since I don’t make the cut.

    Also, like Allyson, when I yell, I get an Irish accent. Weirdly, I’m not Irish, nor do I know anyone who is.

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