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If you’ve paid any attention to the news, you may have seen recently that our legislators have once again taken it upon themselves to write shitty laws. In this particular instance, the abortion bill presented by the House of Representatives only allows for federal funding of abortions in the case of “forcible rape”, instead of the previous bill allowing for abortions to be funded in the case of rape, incest, or when the life of the mother is at risk.
The problem with this use of “forcible rape” is that it’s not a legal definition, and it leaves the door wide open for victims of statutory rape to be left without funding in the case of an unwanted pregnancy. The way this works in our fucked-up system is that legislators don’t pay attention to legal terminology, people sue over constitutionality, and then the courts have to rule, creating new legal definitions unnecessarily. This is how our legal system gets so convoluted.
Right now, the definition of rape is up in the air, but the House Republicans don’t want there to be any confusion. They asked a spokesperson to clarify the definition of rape to avoid any concern. That spokesperson is Jeff Foxworthy, and I have the transcript of his speech right here:
You might be a rapist if you have an open prescription for GHB at your local Walgreens.
You might be a rapist if when you hear a rape whistle, you think “They’re playing my song.”
You might be a rapist if you can’t stay out of any orifice you see and cats and dogs back away from you slowly.
You might be a rapist if you changed your name to “No” so you can say that the victim was just saying your name.
You might be a rapist if you only go on dates in dark alleyways and lonely parks.
You might be a rapist if you steal from a store because “they deserved it with their sexy open doors and the look in the manager’s eyes.”
You might be a rapist if the photo on your online dating profile is actually from a police sketch artist.
You might be a rapist if you think it’s high fashion to wear a hoodie and sunglasses at night.
You might be a rapist if you think “Last House on the Left” is an instructional video.
You might be a rapist if you force your friends to keep eating their food even after they say they’re full.
You might be a rapist if Kobe Bryant is your hero.
Isn’t it so much clearer now? Thanks, Congress!