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Redefining rape

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If you’ve paid any attention to the news, you may have seen recently that our legislators have once again taken it upon themselves to write shitty laws. In this particular instance, the abortion bill presented by the House of Representatives only allows for federal funding of abortions in the case of “forcible rape”, instead of the previous bill allowing for abortions to be funded in the case of rape, incest, or when the life of the mother is at risk.

The problem with this use of “forcible rape” is that it’s not a legal definition, and it leaves the door wide open for victims of statutory rape to be left without funding in the case of an unwanted pregnancy. The way this works in our fucked-up system is that legislators don’t pay attention to legal terminology, people sue over constitutionality, and then the courts have to rule, creating new legal definitions unnecessarily. This is how our legal system gets so convoluted.

Right now, the definition of rape is up in the air, but the House Republicans don’t want there to be any confusion. They asked a spokesperson to clarify the definition of rape to avoid any concern. That spokesperson is Jeff Foxworthy, and I have the transcript of his speech right here:

You might be a rapist if you have an open prescription for GHB at your local Walgreens.

You might be a rapist if when you hear a rape whistle, you think “They’re playing my song.”

You might be a rapist if you can’t stay out of any orifice you see and cats and dogs back away from you slowly.

You might be a rapist if you changed your name to “No” so you can say that the victim was just saying your name.

You might be a rapist if you only go on dates in dark alleyways and lonely parks.

You might be a rapist if you steal from a store because “they deserved it with their sexy open doors and the look in the manager’s eyes.”

You might be a rapist if the photo on your online dating profile is actually from a police sketch artist.

You might be a rapist if you think it’s high fashion to wear a hoodie and sunglasses at night.

You might be a rapist if you think “Last House on the Left” is an instructional video.

You might be a rapist if you force your friends to keep eating their food even after they say they’re full.

You might be a rapist if Kobe Bryant is your hero.

Isn’t it so much clearer now? Thanks, Congress!

11 thoughts on “Redefining rape”

  1. Sickened and angry! What’s even worse is that it’s being pursued to limit a woman’s right to choose. I guess these rich, white guys are against government intrusion unless it has to do with a woman’s personal health decisions. Ick!

    1. @Kimberly, I could not agree more! The whole thing just leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach. This would never happen on any issue affecting a man’s right to make decisions regarding his body.

  2. Mr. Law does work from time to time for a retired police chief in Kentucky. The retired policeman said he once came upon a guy in a car, and when he walked up to investigate, the guy was fucking a chicken. True story.

    Politicians are fucking idiots.

  3. I get my GHB refills at Target, so I’m still a stand-up dude.
    And a lot of my friends want me to keep eating long after I want to stop. I can’t wait to inform them that they’re all rapists.

  4. While Congress’s attempt to make a law that doesn’t help any woman maintain control of her own body, the State of Missouri defines ‘forcible rape’ as any form of sexual assault where a weapon is used. I hate that we even need to ‘define’ what kind of rape makes it acceptable for a woman to need an abortion, but there you have it. I’m sure John Boehner (cry me a river some more, you pussy jack ass) thought long and hard about what kind of words he could use. In this case if you are raped by a parent or relative, but they didn’t have a weapon or threaten you with deadly force than I guess you’re just shit out of luck. Man I hate this!!

  5. You really think they are being selfish?
    Who are we to say who get to live or die? Even if you were raped aren’t you just as bad as the rapist by killing an unborn baby? I mean I completely respect people’s opinion but, you can’t call them the bad guys! They are trying to help while women out there are aborting children who never had a chance. Rape is a serious and threatening thing, but your no better than that rapist by aborting the child.

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