On Friday, a movie called “Gnomeo and Juliet” will be entering theaters. It is, as the dumbest of you probably figured out, a re-imagining of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, involving garden gnomes that come to life when humans aren’t looking.
I’m begging you, even if your little
snot-nosed shit angel begs you to take him or her or it to go see this, please don’t. I fear that if this movie finds an audience, it may mean the end of our world as we know it.
It’s a slippery slope, you see. If this shit-fest of a movie (and if you don’t think it’s going to be a shit-fest, watch the preview or just realize that it’s A FUCKING GARDEN GNOME VERSION OF SHAKESPEARE) earns any revenue, in spite of the absolutely dreadful reviews that you know it’s going to receive, it’s all downhill.
Next, we’ll have additional garden gnome versions of classic literature and classic movies. I can just picture them now – “Sherlock Gnomes”. “When Gnomey Met Sally”. “Romancing the Gnome”. “Indiana Gnomes and the Temple of Gnome.” “Forrest Gnome”. “Gnoming to America”.
Idiots will flock to these movies by the thousands, and the studios will cackle evilly as they rake in money. “What else can we do? What other anthropomorphism can we use to bastardize movies, appeal to the lowest common denominator, and dumb down the world even further?”
And that’s when the pink flamingo, lawn jockey, and rooster weather vane movies will start to trickle out. And society will go to those movies, and our collective IQ will continue to diminish.
Then, one day, some movie executive is going to be touting his success with the gnome and flamingo and lawn jockey movies to a TV executive. And that TV executive is going to mull it over, and he’s going to pitch a TV show idea that revolutionizes the industry.
“It’s a reality show, but here’s the twist. Instead of humans, we use garden gnomes and lawn jockeys and pink flamingos! And then we just position them in a house and shoot them at clever angles so they’re looking at each other meaningfully and we play music like Imogen Heap and Death Cab for Cutie for a solid hour. We sprinkle product placement throughout the shots, and then end with a montage. It will be like printing money!”
And the executive will be right. It will be the highest rated television show of all time, will win every possible Emmy, and the world will once again get collectively stupider.
And one day, someone will wake up when their iGnome rings, take a shower and use Head & Gnomeders shampoo, sit down at the breakfast table, read the New York Gnomes about President Barack Gnomebama, eat their Cinnamon Gnome Crunch, and then kiss their Gnome wife and go to work at Goognome.
That’s how the end of the world happens. Not with a bang. Not with an announcement. It just creeps up on you, and one day, you’re ruled by the Gnomes.
And if you go to see “Gnomeo and Juliet” this weekend, you will be responsible for the end of society as we know it. Do you really want that responsibility on your shoulders?
In other Avita-news, what are you doing tonight at 9 PM EST? If you’re smart, you’re listening to the second episode of CYR on Talkshoe!
I suggest creating an account on Talkshoe, and downloading the Talkshoe Pro client – it will let you listen in and join the chatroom even easier. I’ll be talking about life, Valentine’s Day, sex, porn, masturbation, marriage, and probably performing my entire stand-up set that I’ve been practicing.
Join us tonight at 9 PM EST!