Captain Rantypants Featured Image

Please for the love of all that is holy, do NOT go see Gnomeo & Juliet

On Friday, a movie called “Gnomeo and Juliet” will be entering theaters.  It is, as the dumbest of you probably figured out, a re-imagining of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, involving garden gnomes that come to life when humans aren’t looking.

I’m begging you, even if your little snot-nosed shit angel begs you to take him or her or it to go see this, please don’t.  I fear that if this movie finds an audience, it may mean the end of our world as we know it.

It’s a slippery slope, you see.  If this shit-fest of a movie (and if you don’t think it’s going to be a shit-fest, watch the preview or just realize that it’s A FUCKING GARDEN GNOME VERSION OF SHAKESPEARE) earns any revenue, in spite of the absolutely dreadful reviews that you know it’s going to receive, it’s all downhill.

Next, we’ll have additional garden gnome versions of classic literature and classic movies.  I can just picture them now – “Sherlock Gnomes”.  “When Gnomey Met Sally”.  “Romancing the Gnome”.  “Indiana Gnomes and the Temple of Gnome.”  “Forrest Gnome”.  “Gnoming to America”.

Idiots will flock to these movies by the thousands, and the studios will cackle evilly as they rake in money.  “What else can we do?  What other anthropomorphism can we use to bastardize movies, appeal to the lowest common denominator, and dumb down the world even further?”

And that’s when the pink flamingo, lawn jockey, and rooster weather vane movies will start to trickle out.  And society will go to those movies, and our collective IQ will continue to diminish.

Then, one day, some movie executive is going to be touting his success with the gnome and flamingo and lawn jockey movies to a TV executive.  And that TV executive is going to mull it over, and he’s going to pitch a TV show idea that revolutionizes the industry.

“It’s a reality show, but here’s the twist.  Instead of humans, we use garden gnomes and lawn jockeys and pink flamingos!  And then we just position them in a house and shoot them at clever angles so they’re looking at each other meaningfully and we play music like Imogen Heap and Death Cab for Cutie for a solid hour.  We sprinkle product placement throughout the shots, and then end with a montage.  It will be like printing money!”

And the executive will be right.  It will be the highest rated television show of all time, will win every possible Emmy, and the world will once again get collectively stupider.

And one day, someone will wake up when their iGnome rings, take a shower and use Head & Gnomeders shampoo, sit down at the breakfast table, read the New York Gnomes about President Barack Gnomebama, eat their Cinnamon Gnome Crunch, and then kiss their Gnome wife and go to work at Goognome.

That’s how the end of the world happens.  Not with a bang. Not with an announcement.  It just creeps up on you, and one day, you’re ruled by the Gnomes.

And if you go to see “Gnomeo and Juliet” this weekend, you will be responsible for the end of society as we know it.  Do you really want that responsibility on your shoulders?

In other Avita-news, what are you doing tonight at 9 PM EST? If you’re smart, you’re listening to the second episode of CYR on Talkshoe!

I suggest creating an account on Talkshoe, and downloading the Talkshoe Pro client – it will let you listen in and join the chatroom even easier. I’ll be talking about life, Valentine’s Day, sex, porn, masturbation, marriage, and probably performing my entire stand-up set that I’ve been practicing.

Join us tonight at 9 PM EST!

Share the love:
Follow by Email

69 Replies to “Please for the love of all that is holy, do NOT go see Gnomeo & Juliet”

  1. april

    It’s just a movie.. and for kids at that. Do you think that if you were to put Shakespeare’s actual work in front of a child, he or she would understand? Most likely not. So why not just let them watch it in a way they would understand, etc. Anyways, I will be watching it. And clearly the person who made this article is retarded. Haha.

  2. OHmommy

    I saw it last weekend with my children, as part of an early screening. I thought it was super clever and cute. The kids understood the general theme and my eldest even asked about Shakespeare. So that was a big win for me. Where else is an 8 year old going to ask on-his-own who Shakespeare is. Plus there was enough adult humor to keep me interested. Two thumbs up for me.

  3. cagey

    So cynical, Adam. I would totally pay to see Last Gnome in Paris. Come on, have a heart.

    Psst! Thanks for the heads up – I will protect my pocketbook and my children’s innocence from the Gnomeo. *shudder*

  4. ChopperPapa

    Fine, then I’m going to put you on the phone with my 8 and 6 year old as they worry the piss out of YOU because I won’t take them to this stupid movie. You see, I have no freaking choice. It’s that or a small fortune I’ll have to pay for therapy as they lament to the shrink that their bastard father didn’t take them and that is why my daughter got knocked up and my son burned the school down. Can you live with that?

    It’s times like this that I wish I still smoked weed….

  5. Neeroc

    I’m thinking this is some cleverly disguised marketing ploy. I’d never heard of this movie before reading this post, but now I’m compelled to go see it and any of the your other listed sequels/franchises, without my kid.

  6. Issa

    Adam? I think you are hysterical, a great guy and a seemingly amazing friend. I’m not even going to say I disagree with you. Because I honestly think this movie is a nightmare. Shakespeare would be rolling over in his grave. However, maybe two months ago the move, The Little Fockers came out. For three weeks straight it was the number one movie in America, even thought there were several great movies that came out at the same time.

    Number one movie in America. Americans are already ridiculously stupid.

    ps. When Gnomey Met Sally is a great idea. Maybe you should send that idea in. Because you and I both know, there will be more Gnome movies.

  7. Nenette

    I feel all ranty and stabby about this movie too! I’m so sick of songs being covered (okay, some are good, like Alien Ant Farm’s version of ‘Smooth Criminal’), shows being outright copied (‘Being Human’… grrrr… okay, it’s actually pretty good, but grrrrr…), and classic plots being hijacked by gnomes!!!
    Where has the farking original thought vanished to?!!!

  8. martymankins

    My wife and her granddaughter went to see this yesterday. Even the 8 year old didn’t like it. I had to work. Normally that would be a bad thing, but from your report and theirs, it sounds like working was actually better this time.

Leave a Reply