“Hi, Mom. I made it to Lexington safely.”
“Okay, good. Thank you for calling.”
“You know, I am 34 years old. Calling my mom every time I go out of town is a little ridiculous.”
“Well, I think it’s nice. Besides, it’s not like you have anyone else who cares where you are right now.”
“That’s not entirely true.”
“Your plane could have crashed and who would even notice?”
“Hey now-”
“That’s why I make you call me weekly, too. If you choke on a piece of food and die in the middle of your living room because you have nobody who would be there to help, you would rot for months because nobody cares about you except your mother.”
“But-”
“It’s not like you have a nice woman in her early twenties who wants nothing more but to take care of you and give me grandchildren. You don’t even have a dog anymore, although that’s probably good, because if you did die, the first thing the dog would do is probably eat your face. You don’t have to go anywhere for a job, so it’s not like you have co-workers who care about you, and you live on the Internet. Nobody there is real, either. You are completely, utterly, totally alone, and the only person who cares if you live or die is who?”
“Hey!”
“Who is it?”
“Sigh. My mom.”
“That’s right. Your dear mother.”
“I am definitely putting you in a home when you get older.”
“That’s okay, I’ll love you anyway.”
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Awwwwww. So tender.
@Suebob, that’s my mom!
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
good lord
@Amanda, what? The tenderness and love?
Twitter: nightowlang
says:
Funny but…ouch. The choking thing is actually one of my weird fears since I work from home. If it’s a weekend without the kids no would would notice. :-/
@Angela, always keep a chair around with a high back so you can Heimlich yourself!
Tell your mom that I would notice once you stopped posting. I would be traumatized. I’d have to remove your link from my reader and cancel my birthday reminders for you. The horror.
@Grant, that’s dreadful!
My parents are the same way, except I’m 33 with a fiancee and a son. We go on vacation and its “Call me when you get there” “Let me know where you are staying so I can reach you if something comes up’”…Um hello, I have a cell that is on 24/7. Call that.
But I do know that eventually the tables will be turned, and I will be checking in with my mother to make sure she is ok. My mother now does that with my grandfather.
So all in all, just turn it around on her, and say you are checking on her.
@Vicky, ah, but I wouldn’t, and she knows it!
Bwaahahahahah I am totally going to make some more notes in my file named “things I need to remember to do to my child when he moves out”.
That’s priceless.
@Darla, evil, evil!
Twitter: GrandeMocha
says:
You sound just like her. Are you a lot alike?
@GrandeMocha, yes. I am absolutely my mother’s son.
Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
HEY!!! I’m in the internet and I’M REAL!!
You’ve met me!
@Blondefabulous, who is this again?
Twitter: Wennymuffin
says:
LOL…she thinks like I do. Since I’m in FL by myself I tested my parents and seen how long it would take them to call and check on me…..5 WEEKS! I told my mom when she called it was a good thing I wasn’t dead.
Her response…”I knew you were alive, I seen you on Facebook.”
Me: “Great, so now you rely on Facebook”
Mom: “Yep”
@Jenn, my mom’s not on Facebook yet, but she’ll ask my dad, who is, if he’s seen anything by me recently, just to make sure I’m alive.
It will be the same when you are in your 50′s and she is in her 70′s.
If my Mom was your Mom, she would have asked if you had brought a warm jacket with you.
@Little Miss Sunshine State, I think she actually asked that, too, to be honest!
Sounds just like her!
@Meagan Avitable, I know, right?
Twitter: kapgar
says:
This ranks highly amongst my favorite posts you’ve ever spilled forth. Although I am now worrying that you and I might be related. That sounds so eerily like my own mom. Yikes.
@kapgar, maybe we’re long-lost twins. You’re the Hugo to my Bart. /obscure?
@Avitable, That is NOT obscure!
Fucker.
Go call your mom!
Twitter: karlerikson
says:
I’d notice your absence. I wouldn’t do anything about it, but I’d notice.
Twitter: s_csr
says:
@Karl, Hahahahah! Now *that* was funny!
Ha! I’ve had that exact conversation with my mother as well! In addition, when she comes and stays with me (in the home that I pay the mortgage on), she stays up pacing when I go out at night and asks me to call her if I’m going to be late.
Twitter: tlkaply
says:
I have frequently had this same conversation with my Grandma.
Twitter: Tara_R
says:
That’s some tough love right there.
Wow. Harsh.
Twitter: thedgoddess
says:
Once a mother, always a mother. It’s true. My parents STILL make me call them to check in when we drive anywhere or go on vacation. They don’t sleep for a week unless I do.
She calls it like she sees it doesn’t she! But mother’s are always blinded by love.
She hasn’t killed your last 3 girlfriends and stuffed them in a closet, has she?
That is kind of endearing. I don’t why I picture you mom sounding like Edith Bunker, but I do. That reference certainly dates me, doesn’t it?
So when’s your mom starting her blog?
Twitter: chopperpapa
says:
You seriously need to give that woman some grandchildren.
Ouch! The older I get the more I think about my dying and no one noticing.
Twitter: themuskrat
says:
Pretend internet friends are great, as they only have pretend venereal diseases!
Twitter: AmazingGreis
says:
Do we have the same mom? Yours sounds a lot like mine! Scary!!
Twitter: s_csr
says:
My mother is the exact same way – I have to call her to let her know we made it safely and all that. And God forbid an ambulance should go flying past our street within fifteen minutes of leaving the house…then she’s freaking out until we make it home safely. Yay for cell phones….now she’s blowing that up instead of pacing the floors until I reach my destination and call her from a payphone or friend’s house phone to tell her I made it there safely.
Of course, on the flip side, her response when I sent her a text Saturday morning asking how the kids were doing? “I killed them.” I replied “Well, I can’t blame you there….hope the blood didn’t leave any stains.” Then she told me “Of course they’re alright, so leave us alone and stop texting me to ask how they are.” ::headdesk::
Twitter: hismuse
says:
Still better than my mother-in-law.