Morality is subjective

WTF is Lent? Avitable answers your questions.

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. Since most of you are heathens, I thought I’d write a little primer about Lent to help educate you.

What is Lent?

Lent, derived from the Latin word for “empty symbolic gesture”, refers to a 40-day long period that starts on Ash Wednesday and ends when you find that last egg that the Easter Bunny hid.  For many Catholics, it is a period during which they fast or give up an activity or food that they enjoy.

Why do you give something up for Lent?

Sacrificing an activity or food that you love is a way of trying to emulate Jesus and how he lived his life.  This is especially important during the last days of his life, when he gave up chocolate so he wasn’t fat when he was laying out, catching some rays and hanging out on that cross.

Why does Lent last for forty days?

Because, in numerology, the 40th letter of the alphabet (when you go through all 26 and then start over again from the beginning) is “N”, which clearly stands for Noah, who built an ark and saved two of each animal (except for unicorns, that bastard) during the Great Flood, which lasted for . . . yup, you guessed it, 40 days!  Spooky, eh?

So what’s the deal with the ashes on Ash Wednesday?

There is no religious significance to Ash Wednesday.  The Catholic Church just needed some way to get rid of all of the paperwork documenting the evidence of impropriety by priests.

What happens during the last week of Lent?

The last week of Lent is considered the holiest time of the year, and the Church calls it Holy Week.  It starts with Palm Sunday, then continues with Manic Monday, Two-for-one Tuesday, Casual Wednesday, Margarita Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Shit It’s Saturday, and concludes with Easter Sunday.

What should I give up for Lent?

Most people who celebrate Lent do it because it was drilled into their heads as children, and they actually genuinely don’t give a shit one way or the other.  They think they’re actually doing something good, but in reality, they’re stupid.  If you also want to give up an activity or food for Lent, but don’t want to really do anything worthwhile, here are some suggestions:

  • Wearing the same pair of underwear more than once in a row
  • Masturbating more than three times a day
  • Dancing poorly in public
  • Eating foods that end in -y
  • Celebrating Lent
  • Abstinence
  • Watching Oprah
  • Getting your car washed at the topless carwash
  • Picking your toenails with your teeth
  • Making your bed
  • Folding your fitted sheets
  • Wearing condoms
  • Drinking moonshine
  • Eating cat food when dared to do so
  • Paying attention to Charlie Sheen

Happy Lent!

Thanks to everyone who tuned in for last night’s relatively uneven, emotionally unbalanced episode of CYR.  I talked about stand-up, unions, figured out that I’m kind of a Republican, and insulted Faiqa.  It’s okay if you missed the show live, though, because you can subscribe to the podcast or download the mp3 easily!

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46 Replies to “WTF is Lent? Avitable answers your questions.”

  1. Angela

    You’re hilarious and thank you for this. Debating whether to share it with my Catholic family. And nice job on the stand-up the other night. I’ll be in Florida the end of June and might try to catch a show if you’re there.

    • Avitable

      @Angela, they might find it funny unless they’re the type of Catholics who are only Catholic for Easter and Christmas and forget about it the rest of the year! I may or may not have any shows when you’re here, but let me know, and maybe we can at least meet up!

  2. Miss Britt

    “Most people who celebrate Lent do it because it was drilled into their heads as children, and they actually genuinely don’t give a shit one way or the other.  They think they’re actually doing something good, but in reality, they’re stupid.”

    Was that supposed to be funny, or bigoted?

  3. Grant

    I would give up sharting for lent, but I ate most of a chicken salad sandwich last night and spent most of the evening on the toilet so that ship has already sailed. Can I instead give up something for lentils?

  4. LAB

    Nicely done.

    P.S. You’d think that people who are easily offended would know by now that this might not be the best blog for them to visit. And your point about Jewish and Muslim humor was right on target, my friend.

  5. Hockeymandad

    The Holy week daily names are even funnier if you give it a fortune cookie treatment. So add the word “Touch” before each day’s name. Except the last day, because you know, God rests on HIS day.

    Palm Touch Sunday, Manic Touch Monday, Two-for-one Touch Tuesday, Casual Touch Wednesday, Margarita Touch Thursday, Good Touch Friday(yeah right), Holy Shit Touch Saturday

  6. Ed

    My father used to give up drinking for Lent. The best part was when he’d try justify his theories about when Lent actually ended. It changed from year to year, but he finally settled on noon local time on the Saturday before Easter, and he claimed Biblical evidence for it.

    “Riiiight!” -Noah

  7. Becca_Masters

    This I had to share.

    Just got my friend Lauren to read this post.

    Halfway through she turned to me and said “you know what, why didn’t Noah take any unicorns or dinosaurs onto the ark, that’s so out of order”

    I literally could not stop laughing.

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