Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. Since most of you are heathens, I thought I’d write a little primer about Lent to help educate you.
What is Lent?
Lent, derived from the Latin word for “empty symbolic gesture”, refers to a 40-day long period that starts on Ash Wednesday and ends when you find that last egg that the Easter Bunny hid. For many Catholics, it is a period during which they fast or give up an activity or food that they enjoy.
Why do you give something up for Lent?
Sacrificing an activity or food that you love is a way of trying to emulate Jesus and how he lived his life. This is especially important during the last days of his life, when he gave up chocolate so he wasn’t fat when he was laying out, catching some rays and hanging out on that cross.
Why does Lent last for forty days?
Because, in numerology, the 40th letter of the alphabet (when you go through all 26 and then start over again from the beginning) is “N”, which clearly stands for Noah, who built an ark and saved two of each animal (except for unicorns, that bastard) during the Great Flood, which lasted for . . . yup, you guessed it, 40 days! Spooky, eh?
So what’s the deal with the ashes on Ash Wednesday?
There is no religious significance to Ash Wednesday. The Catholic Church just needed some way to get rid of all of the paperwork documenting the evidence of impropriety by priests.
What happens during the last week of Lent?
The last week of Lent is considered the holiest time of the year, and the Church calls it Holy Week. It starts with Palm Sunday, then continues with Manic Monday, Two-for-one Tuesday, Casual Wednesday, Margarita Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Shit It’s Saturday, and concludes with Easter Sunday.
What should I give up for Lent?
Most people who celebrate Lent do it because it was drilled into their heads as children, and they actually genuinely don’t give a shit one way or the other. They think they’re actually doing something good, but in reality, they’re stupid. If you also want to give up an activity or food for Lent, but don’t want to really do anything worthwhile, here are some suggestions:
- Wearing the same pair of underwear more than once in a row
- Masturbating more than three times a day
- Dancing poorly in public
- Eating foods that end in -y
- Celebrating Lent
- Watching Oprah
- Getting your car washed at the topless carwash
- Picking your toenails with your teeth
- Making your bed
- Folding your fitted sheets
- Wearing condoms
- Drinking moonshine
- Eating cat food when dared to do so
- Paying attention to Charlie Sheen
Thanks to everyone who tuned in for last night’s relatively uneven, emotionally unbalanced episode of CYR. I talked about stand-up, unions, figured out that I’m kind of a Republican, and insulted Faiqa. It’s okay if you missed the show live, though, because you can subscribe to the podcast or download the mp3 easily!