I was talking to Jenny in a random IM conversation when the topic took a turn for the bizarre, as it typically does when we talk.
With a little research, we discovered that it was indeed an urban legend with a minor basis in reality. That got me thinking about all of the other little rumors and legends that people talk about without ever confirming or denying. I thought I’d shed some light on the subject and educate everyone:
- College students, if you have a roommate who commits suicide or dies, you will not be receiving straight As for that semester. You will receive straight As, though, if you have compromising photos of the dean of students with a tranny hooker.
- There are no giant alligators in the sewers under New York City. There are, however, four turtles who really like pizza.
- Cats will not suck the life out of babies. They only suck the social life out of single women.
- Neil Armstrong did not say “Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky” when he was on the moon for the first time. He did, however, say “HOLY SHIT I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ON THE FUCKING GODDAMN MOON. THIS IS THE MOON, PEOPLE! HOLY SHIT!”
- Nobody has ever woken up in a bathtub, naked, filled with ice and a note that says “Go to the hospital if you want to live”, missing a kidney. Many people have woken up in a bathtub, naked, filled with puke and a note that says “Don’t call me. I’ll call you”.
- There has never been a situation where someone tried to dry off their wet dog by sticking it in a microwave. People microwave cats all the time, though, but that’s just because they’re fucking annoying.
- Richard Gere never stuck a gerbil up his ass. It was a ferret.
- Tommy Hilfiger has never made comments that were offensive to African Americans while he was appearing on Oprah, although he has made clothes that are offensive to fashion-conscious Americans while thinking that he’s a good designer.
- Target is not a French-owned company that refuses to contribute to any veteran causes or allow reservists to retain their health benefits if called to active duty. That would be Le Dollar Store.
- There is no comprehensible message of Satanism that you can hear if you play Ozzy Osbourne’s songs backwards. There is also no comprehensible message in English if you play them forwards, either.
- Mr. Rogers was not a Navy Seal. He was not in the Navy at all, although he did love seamen.
- If you drink a Coke with a package of Pop Rocks, your stomach is not going to explode. If you drink a glass of water from Mexico, though, it will.
- Walt Disney’s head is not cryogenically frozen until the day comes that he can be re-animated. His penis is.