Elizabeth Taylor, actress and bride to many, died yesterday at the age of 79. As usual, I had the chance to interview her:
Me: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Ms. Taylor.
ET: Please, dear, call me Liz.
Me: Ok, Liz. Are you surprised that many people consider you to be “The Last Starfighter?”
ET: Well, actually, dear, I think that people called me the “last star”.
Me: They think you’re that Jeff Bridges character who is from outer space?
ET: No, sweetie, that’s “Starman”. People are saying that I was among a group of classic actresses like Marlene Dietrich and Audrey Hepburn.
Me: Ok, I understand. Now, Marlene Dietrich’s last film was an Oscar-nominated documentary entitled “Marlene”, right?
ET: Yes, it was wonderful.
Me: And Audrey Hepburn’s last film was “Always”, directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Richard Dreyfuss, right?
ET: I believe so.
Me: What was your final movie?
Me: I’m sorry – I couldn’t hear that. Could you speak up?
ET: “The Flintstones”.
Me: Ah yes. And what was your character’s name?
ET: Sigh. Pearl Slaghoople.
Me: I guess I can really see why they consider you to be among the ranks of Dietrich and Hepburn.
ET: Excuse me, young man, but I won two Academy Awards and received three additional nominations.
Me: I know you did, and congratulations on winning your most recent Oscar for appearing in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” in 1966. I was negative eleven years old when that came out.
ET: I will not let your impertinence bring darkness upon what was a brilliant career!
Me: Fair enough. Let’s talk about your personal life. Is it true that you actually died in 1960?
ET: Yes. On the set of Cleopatra, I had severe pneumonia and was pronounced dead until an emergency tracheotomy revived me.
Me: And how is it that, for the last fifty years, you’ve managed to hide the fact from the world that you are clearly a zombie?
ET: A what?
Me: A zombie. The living undead. Brain-chompin’, no pulse, gray skin.
ET: I take umbrage with that flight of fancy. I am not a zombie!
Me: We’ll table that issue for a minute. Let’s talk about your marriages. I suspect that you didn’t really want to get married as much as you just loved throwing a huge party and an awesome wedding. Is that true?
ET: At the time, I truly thought that I was in love, but in retrospect, I think you may be right. A multi-million dollar gala really is the only way to brighten up one’s day.
Me: And did you wear a white wedding dress every time? Isn’t that a bit hypocritical?
ET: Quite amusing.
Me: Who do you wish that you had married before you died?
ET: I had my sights set on that wonderful young actor, Shia LeBoeuf, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.
Me: Do you think he would have wanted to marry you?
ET: Young man, I am Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor. I am a princess and a star, and any man would be lucky to wait on me on hand and foot.
Me: That reminds me – I was very rude and didn’t offer you any refreshments. Is there anything I can get you?
ET: I said, “A nice glass of sherry, please.”
Me: Ok, phew.
ET: And a side of brains.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!) in the sidebar –>
In other Avita-news:
Last night was an interesting episode of CYR. I consumed a pitcher of pineapple coconut martinis before and during the show, and may have occasionally lost my train of thought. You can check out the show in iTunes and listen to me talk about my racist dick, zombies, comedy, and why 19-year olds are not too young.
Also! Today is the birthday of the one and only Dave2! I think he may be 65 years old today – go wish him a feliz cumpleanos!