Monday night, I had a dream where I was sitting on a bed with someone and put my head on her shoulder. She grasped my hand in hers and I told her that I was sorry, that the threads we have exist for a reason and should have remained whole. She whispered into my ear that she missed me but sometimes letting go is the best thing to do. I woke up in tears as if I had been sobbing in my sleep.
Wednesday morning, I opened my eyes and thought of facing the day and once again being responsible for everyone else’s livelihoods and making sure that everybody was secure and okay, and I couldn’t do it. I walked outside naked and dove into my pool and floated there in the frigid water for as long as I could stand it.
I am in a funk.
No, not a funk. That’s a light-hearted word that gives rise to comical imagery.
I am depressed.
Right now, I am going through the motions. I do the minimum amount of work required to make sure that the bills and employees will get paid. My mail is on my counter and hasn’t been opened in three weeks. The effort I normally put forth in keeping in touch with people has almost disappeared entirely. I have been losing myself in mindless activities – television, video games, books. Anything that allows me to avoid interacting with people.
There have been good moments. When I do leave the house and visit with friends, or go on dates, or do comedy, that light is there. I feel invigorated and ready to conquer the world. And then I get home and I feel the yoke of responsibility crushing me. I feel a void fill me. I feel my mind start churning, thinking about everything that must be done, everything that’s being done wrong, everything that I have to do, all on my own.
I’ve been carrying a lot on my shoulders. I’ve ended long relationships and lost important friends. I’ve shifted my focus from wanting financial security to the active pursuit of happiness. I’ve learned that there is a huge gulf between being responsible for most things and having nobody but yourself to rely on.
This is not a difficult burden, especially compared to the burdens that others carry, I know, but it’s new to me. And I know that I’ll be able to carry it. But right now, I just don’t want to.
I feel like I’m being ripped apart between what I want to do and what I have to do. That what I have to do is so damn much that it’s going to crush me forever and I am never going to escape.
Objectively, I know I’ll get there. I know that everything will be fine. I know that I’m strong and capable and that this is temporary.
But right now it sure as hell doesn’t feel that way.