It's not always about being funny.

Still here

It’s humbling to admit weakness. I have this overwhelming need to put forth the impression that I’m perfect, and to tell the world exactly how bad things had gotten was not my favorite moment of my life.

It helped, though. As soon as I hit publish on my last post, I felt relief. Sometimes, just talking about the problems that face us can help us in overcoming them. And the comments and emails and phone calls helped even more.

I have an issue in that I find it hard to define myself in a vacuum. Without seeing how I’m reflected in my friends and loved ones, I don’t really know who I am.

That’s unhealthy, I know, but it’s how I am. And knowing that I do have a safety net – that I’m not doing this alone – that is empowering and a lifeline that I absolutely desperately needed this weekend.

I know I’m going to be fine. There is no obstacle on Earth that I can’t overcome as long as I’m willing to make the hard decisions and necessary sacrifices. I may have low points but my high points will be the highest.

It’s hard to admit, but I see now that sometimes you have to be weak and admit that you’re weak in order to gain strength.

Thank you to each of you for being there, for reading, for commenting, and for supporting. And for sending me pictures of your boobs. Because that REALLY helps.


26 thoughts on “Still here”

  1. I’ve been so swamped this month that I haven’t been around much and missed that last post.

    Hugs, dude. You are a good friend and I’m glad people are letting you know that we’re here for you, too.

  2. I just happened to come across your post and think it was a wonderful expression of an insecurity we all have. The hardest question to answer, in my opinion, is “who am I?”. with what context do we answer this normally? We explain what we do and what we are like, but its not really who we are. without influence of others which we seem to hold so dear, it becomes difficult to define ourselves. We generally like our habits and cannot always judge our influences and actions in life without an eye to give an outside perspective.
    With this in mind, we have to remind ourselves to keep going, to try to understand our own perfection and not judge ourselves too harshly. It is good to have others opinions, but in the end, the question has to be “Am I happy with myself?” once our own inner perfection in whatever light we see it as is achieved then we can start taking steps to truly understand who we are.
    I hope you find your answer within yourself and then spread it unto others who are also lost.

    All the best,

  3. Well shit, the husband said no to my sending you a boob pic, even when I showed him all the scrotum snaps you’ve so generously shared. Which sucks because OMG, third trimester boobage! I am gonna miss these H-cup puppies when they’re gone.

  4. Twenty-five years ago my father was knocking at the pearly gates but thanks to the gifted surgeons at Mayo Brothers Clinic he pulled trough and lived twenty-four more wonderful years. So what does this have to do with depression you ask?

    While he lay on the operating table struggling to live I drifted aimlessly through the hospital. For some reason I decided to take an elevator ride and by chance pushed floor 4 having no idea where I was going. The doors opened and I began walking the halls peeking in rooms as I wandered. Kids, kids and more kids. Then at the end of the hall was a large room where they were playing games, singing, laughing and having a ball.

    It didn’t dawn at me at first because they were having so much fun but suddenly I realized that many of these kids had lost their hair. Oh shit I’m in the Childrens Cancer Ward and the only one with a sick feeling inside was me.

    I felt a deep sense of guilt run through me. Poor me, the curve-balls life had thrown at me for the first thirty years of my existence and my inability to handle them without medications and therapy suddenly paled in comparison to what these children have been through. But not one, not one sat in the corner and wondered why me? They all played like they didn’t have a worry in the world.

    My life was changed forever. From that day forward, whenever life threw me a wicked curve-ball, I think of those kids and how they gave me the strength to conquer the world.

  5. I’m sorry I didn’t send you pics of my boobs. In reality, though, I doubt they’re very distinguishable from your own. So just push up your hairy man-cleavage and think of me. Lick a nipple if you can.

  6. I thought I’d send you pictures of my boobs, but I felt you’d reject them. I don’t think they’d have had the same effect though, unless your wacky like that. In which case, we should go grab a drink sometime!

  7. “I know I’m going to be fine. There is no obstacle on Earth that I can’t overcome as long as I’m willing to make the hard decisions and necessary sacrifices.”

    you are powerful and strong. you are going to be more than ok.

  8. I feel terrible that I never got back to commenting on your last post. There are a ton of people who care about you, but let me add myself to the list. You put yourself out there in your posts, so it’s easy to feel like I know you. I know what depression feels like, and I’m also willing to listen if you need to unload. I think you are so brave for what you’re working toward doing with your life and the changes you’ve made in the last year. And yes, there may be people who depend on you right now, but ultimately each person is only responsible for themselves and their own happiness. Do what you can to help ease them into other employment, but in the end, you have to do what is going to make you happy.

  9. I just listened to your last improv performance and I must say it’s a real nice improvement. I laughed out loud several times. I still have trouble with the anal bleaching but that’s just me. I actually couldn’t think of an A word that was funny either! But how about adorable??
    And ewe’s not fat, ewe’s fluffy. Which is just the way I like em!
    Depression – ditto!! When you are alone, it’s a tough one to bear.

    Hugs from Minnesnowta

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