I got an email from eHarmony today with some “awesome” dating advice entitled “Nine Things Women Don’t Want Men To Know“.
Are you ready for this smackdown of truthiness? I’m copying and pasting this article verbatim to share the idiocy. My comments are in blue after each bullet:
1. We Make Simon Cowell Look Tame – We can be extremely critical of ourselves. No need to mention anything about our weight, our skin, or our bad hair day – because we are well aware of our so-called “flaws” already. In fact, most of us obsess about these things far too frequently. Just kill us with compliments, guys!
If I’m in a relationship with a woman, am I a yes man or am I someone who’s in an open, honest relationship with good communication? I’m not saying that it’s ever a good idea to tell someone that they look fat in an outfit, but it’s also a terrible idea to be an enabler. In a good relationship. each person will share genuine compliments and actual appreciation and adoration, so “killing someone with compliments” will not be necessary.
2. We Tell Our BFFs Pretty Much Everything – We might say that we don’t tell our girlfriends nearly every single detail about our lives and relationships, but we sort of do.
So do I. But, also? It’s important to tell each other everything. Your best friend should be your partner first, and then the third party second.
3. We Actually Adore the Sappy Stuff – We may act like we don’t care about getting the occasional bouquet, Valentine’s card or birthday gift – but we really dig it! We don’t know many women who would have a problem receiving a huge arrangement of tulips or thoughtful note from their beloved.
Part of a good relationship means trusting that the other person is honest with you. If someone says that they don’t like flowers or cards, I’m not going to assume that she’s playing some stupid game. In some situations, though, I think that there may be women who don’t like romantic gestures when they’re empty gestures. There’s nothing exciting about getting flowers if it’s done as an obligation. I doubt, however, that there is any person out there who doesn’t appreciate a true expression of adoration or love from his or her partner.
4. Our Weight or Dress Size – Don’t ask how much we weigh, or try to guess. And please don’t try to figure out our size and buy us clothing. Thank you.
If you’re not comfortable telling me your weight or dress size, are you going to be comfortable getting naked with me? Is this the 1960s?
5. The Number of Boyfriends We’ve Had – If we have had a lot, men might get the wrong impression. If we have only had a few, they might get the wrong impression. Less history equals more mystery is our favorite motto.
Maybe not on the first date, but eventually in the course of a relationship, it’s probably a good idea to have some type of accounting for our pasts. And I get the sense from the article that it’s a double standard. Women shouldn’t have to share who they’ve been with but want men to be up front about their past whoredom.
6. What We Look Like in the AM – Most of us don’t roll out of bed looking our best, although we may want you to think we can be ready in five minutes flat! It takes time to pull ourselves together, even though we like to make it seem effortless.
Once again, this isn’t the fucking 1960s. Men today are aware that women don’t wake up with makeup on and with their hair did. You know what – everybody has blemishes and bad breath and random hairs. It’s part of the beauty of who we are. I prefer women who don’t need to layer on makeup, and I think that someone is just as beautiful when they first wake up as they are when they’re getting ready to go out for the night.
7. How Much We Might Spend on Our Beauty Regimens – There’s a reason men are shocked when they find out how much a woman’s haircut or new pair of jeans may cost — because we don’t really want you to know!
I know that I may be unusual because I buy Aveda products, go to a barber that’s not Supercuts, and use lotions and Sephora, along with pomade and other products, but who the fuck cares? Why would any woman give a shit if her boyfriend or husband knows how much she spent on getting her hair done?
8. Most of Us Have Secretly Dreamt of Our Wedding Day – A lot of women will say they don’t care about the big wedding or getting married. There are exceptions to the rule – but most women have thought about it and even envisioned their big day.
Why would you ever want to share with the person that you’re going to marry that you actually care about your wedding day? I mean, by pretending like you don’t care, you can give him the impression that it doesn’t matter, and then you can get mad when he’s not as enthusiastic as you are. OR, you could be honest, and he could be honest, and you could celebrate it together? Just a thought.
9. Some of Us are a Little More than Curious – Due to unfortunate past experiences or insecurities, there are some women out there who have been known to snoop through their significant other’s things. We’re not condoning this behavior, but this is definitely something women don’t want men to know. Shhhh!
I believe in honesty and open communication, and if someone needs to keep secrets, that is a problem, HOWFUCKINGEVER, it is never okay to snoop. Never. If you want to know something, ask. If you’re in a healthy relationship, it won’t be a problem.
Whoever wrote this article has either not dated since sometime in the late 1960s, has been married in a terrible marriage, was hired to write the article from his outsourcing office in India, or is just plain fucking stupid and ignorant.
In other Avita-news, I did a Pro-Am Comedy show at the Orlando Improv on Wednesday night and felt like it went pretty well. There was a talent agent in the room, too, and he gave each comic some solid constructive criticism, which was tremendous. The set is similar to what I’ve done before, with some small tweaks, but if you want to watch, here you go: