Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or hiding in a cave in Afghanistan, you’re aware that Osama bin Laden has been confirmed dead at the hands of American forces as of May 2nd, 2011. I had to pull some strings, but I got a chance to interview the reclusive terrorist:
Me: So . . . . I don’t really have much to say. You’re kind of an asshole and I really have a hard time not wanting to punch you in your face.
OBL: And you are a part of the Great American Satan; however, I do like your beard.
OBL: Yes. I may hate America, but I hate poorly maintained beards even more.
Me: Me too! How long did it take you to grow yours?
OBL: I have grown this beard for over 34 years.
Me: I’ve had mine for 17, but I can’t shave it. When I do, I’ll look like some weird fat baby.
OBL: I know what you are saying, my friend. Nobody would recognize me if I shaved my beard – I would look 20 years younger and completely different!
Me: Maybe you should have done that after the whole 9/11 thing.
OBL: Shit. I didn’t even think of that. I was hiding in caves and moving every four days, and I really should have just shaved my damn beard.
Me: It’s okay – I mean, it’s your beard. It’s important!
OBL: That’s true. You know where I’m coming from. There’s a special fraternity that’s shared among the bearded men of the world.
Me: Agreed. *fist bump*
OBL: Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Me: Not at all. Shoot.
OBL: What type of conditioner do you use? I mean, your beard is nice and shiny, not all dry like mine.
Me: Oh, I usually use Bath and Body Works or Aveda.
OBL: Are those both American companies?
OBL: Sigh. I can’t really use them, then. I have to use this shitty Afghani shampoo. It’s 90% goat fat extract. But how can I be all “Death to America” if I am buying 5 wallflowers from Bath and Body Works for $15? It’s such a great deal, too!
Me: Have you really thought this whole “Great American Satan” thing through? Honestly, did we really ever do anything to you?
OBL: Well, you know, it’s all Reagan’s fault.
Me: How’s that?
OBL: We just had a good meeting, and as I was leaving, I realized I forgot my sunglasses, and they were really expensive Ray Bans, so I went back for them. As I was walking past Reagan’s office, I heard someone say “So, how’s Bonzo the Chimp doing?” and then everyone laughed. From that point forward, I hated him and America.
Me: You thought they were talking about you?
OBL: Well, who else could it be? It’s not like there was a real Bonzo the chimp . . . oh boy. I’m seeing the look on your face and feeling kinda dumb. There is a real Bonzo, isn’t there?
Me: Yeah. He was a co-star in a movie that Reagan was in. He hated that movie, so people would tease him about it all the time.
OBL: Well, shit. This whole Al Qaeda thing was just a big misunderstanding, then! I guess I should have talked to Ronny about it.
Me: Probably would have been a good idea. So, what do you think about America now?
OBL: Are you kidding? I fucking love America! Let’s go get some Bath and Body Works!
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