Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My Interview with Osama bin Laden

Osama bin Laden

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or hiding in a cave in Afghanistan, you’re aware that Osama bin Laden has been confirmed dead at the hands of American forces as of May 2nd, 2011. I had to pull some strings, but I got a chance to interview the reclusive terrorist:

Me: So . . . . I don’t really have much to say. You’re kind of an asshole and I really have a hard time not wanting to punch you in your face.

OBL: And you are a part of the Great American Satan; however, I do like your beard.

Me: Really?

OBL: Yes. I may hate America, but I hate poorly maintained beards even more.

Me: Me too! How long did it take you to grow yours?

OBL: I have grown this beard for over 34 years.

Me: I’ve had mine for 17, but I can’t shave it. When I do, I’ll look like some weird fat baby.

OBL: I know what you are saying, my friend. Nobody would recognize me if I shaved my beard – I would look 20 years younger and completely different!

Me: Maybe you should have done that after the whole 9/11 thing.

OBL: Shit. I didn’t even think of that. I was hiding in caves and moving every four days, and I really should have just shaved my damn beard.

Me: It’s okay – I mean, it’s your beard. It’s important!

OBL: That’s true. You know where I’m coming from. There’s a special fraternity that’s shared among the bearded men of the world.

Me: Agreed. *fist bump*

OBL: Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

Me: Not at all. Shoot.

OBL: What type of conditioner do you use? I mean, your beard is nice and shiny, not all dry like mine.

Me: Oh, I usually use Bath and Body Works or Aveda.

OBL: Are those both American companies?

Me: Yeah.

OBL: Sigh. I can’t really use them, then. I have to use this shitty Afghani shampoo. It’s 90% goat fat extract. But how can I be all “Death to America” if I am buying 5 wallflowers from Bath and Body Works for $15? It’s such a great deal, too!

Me: Have you really thought this whole “Great American Satan” thing through? Honestly, did we really ever do anything to you?

OBL: Well, you know, it’s all Reagan’s fault.

Me: How’s that?

OBL: We just had a good meeting, and as I was leaving, I realized I forgot my sunglasses, and they were really expensive Ray Bans, so I went back for them. As I was walking past Reagan’s office, I heard someone say “So, how’s Bonzo the Chimp doing?” and then everyone laughed. From that point forward, I hated him and America.

Me: You thought they were talking about you?

OBL: Well, who else could it be? It’s not like there was a real Bonzo the chimp . . . oh boy. I’m seeing the look on your face and feeling kinda dumb. There is a real Bonzo, isn’t there?

Me: Yeah. He was a co-star in a movie that Reagan was in. He hated that movie, so people would tease him about it all the time.

OBL: Well, shit. This whole Al Qaeda thing was just a big misunderstanding, then! I guess I should have talked to Ronny about it.

Me: Probably would have been a good idea. So, what do you think about America now?

OBL: Are you kidding? I fucking love America! Let’s go get some Bath and Body Works!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!) in the sidebar –>

43 thoughts on “My Interview with Osama bin Laden”

  1. If you happen to run in to OBL in the future (heh), would you ask him if he uses “Just For Men” or “Grecian Formula”? I’d like to recommend it to my boyfriend? Thanks for the tips.

  2. You know, I bet a chimp is at the heart of most devastation in this world. I saw the remake of Planet of the Apes… the chimps are the bad guys, everyone knows that.

  3. Took me a while but I finally got to enjoy this. First thing I said on twitter after the announcement of his death was “oh good I wonder what Adam will ask him in his interview” You’re like the Larry King of dead guy interviewers Adam great job.

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