It's not always about being funny.

The one where I write seriously and regret hitting publish almost immediately.

Where is that thing that is going to consume me?
Who is that one who will reflect me?
What is the reason that I am here?

I sit at my desk, eyes closed, listening to Moonlight Sonata, and I type what enters my mind. I’m not looking at my screen or thinking about my words, just letting my fingers flow across the keyboard like I imagine Beethoven as he played. Not to say that my words are anything on the level of the classical master.

I want to be famous. I need an audience. I crave that attention.
I want to be loved. I need a partner. I crave that stability.
I want to be free. I need to go. I crave the world.

If life were like music, things would be easy. We’d expect the ups and downs, the changes in tempo, and the cacophony might be wrong or right, depending on the song. A chord would make sense and there would be no what ifs or should Is or shouldn’t Is. “We make beautiful music together” would be objective.

My car is a rocket, the music my fuel, the thrill of speed my motivation.
My home is a memorial, the walls my thoughts, the bed my salvation.
My life is a mess, a puzzle in pieces with no solution.

I am drawn to those who are strong yet broken, beautiful yet unaware, exemplary yet missing a piece. This is a pattern that I repeat happily because these are the people who build the world and keep it from crumbling while everyone else shuffles around uselessly. We do what we do because there is no other choice.

You read this and shake your head at my crazy.
You think of me and it makes you smile.
You hate that of which I remind you.

The song repeats over and over again, so loud that my windows vibrate (I wish they would shatter). Classical music helps me see order in the limbo that is my life. My fingers hit a cadence on the keyboard matching the beat and for a moment, in the dark, I am completely in sync with my little world.

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32 Replies to “The one where I write seriously and regret hitting publish almost immediately.”

  1. lceel

    Earlier today I made a comment similar to what follows on another blog that was true then, as it is true now – We all have our demons – some better handled than others, some not handled well at all. We all have our scars – some well hidden, some worn proudly – but we all have them. It is those demons, and those scars, that make us, keep us, human.

  2. Poppy

    Cogent tangent: When I was 9 my mom started to have me listen to classical music as I drifted to sleep because I had such trouble falling asleep.

    Completely unrelated: I turned off my phone today because I was sick of the world. It’s still off. Ugh.

  3. Leslie

    Adam, this is great writing. Don’t regret it. I admire how you put yourself out there. It’s something I’m trying to get better at in my own life.
    Thanks for posting this. There was a time I could play the Moonlight Sonata, but my piano skills are a little rusty now!

  4. The Honourable Husband

    Why would you regret this?

    Because it’s not funny?

    Because it’s in earnest?

    Because Beethoven is Classical Music 101?

    My next blogpost is about what men do to find peace, order and sense in their lives. It’s not classical music. But it’s the same feeling.

    It will be expressed less artfully, though.

    Love to you, Adge.

  5. bo

    This is lovely. Thank you for sharing it.

    It is interesting: you don’t know what it is you seek, yet in this post you have attained it. Perhaps this is because you closed your eyes and let go?

  6. Clown

    Really Adam, do not regret – You will see such happy effects produced by it; it has so completely answered the end which I imagine you had in view; it was so kindly received that you should not regret that you wrote it. I’m sure it gives you no pain in the recollection, but you’ll have occasion to rejoice that it was done.

  7. Sheila

    When you want to be real and honest, can you just speak English cuz I totally don’t get this.

    I know, I know….I’m not the brightest crayon and all that because obviously I’m the only one who didn’t get it. I’m not trying to be a downer but seriously, you should use smaller words or something. Or maybe I should get a thesaurus or somethingg.

    On another note, my computer gave me a giant red alert to “take extra precautions, highly suspicious site” when I opened up your page.

  8. Lisa

    I have a no regrets policy. You can borrow it if you like. I like these posts where you let us see serious Adam. Don’t get me wrong, funny Adam is fun too, but serious Adam is very evocative and makes me want to hug you. And those pictures are really good!

  9. Krëg

    Then we have something in common, because I regretted reading this immediately after I started.

    …Who am I bullsh!tting, I don’t know how to read…

    All kidding aside, why would you regret anything that you publish online? Or say out loud? Or even think about without expressing? Who give a fat sh!t what other people think? If you are writing for the acceptance and acclaim of others, then in some small way you are not being true to yourself.

    If your home is a memorial, you should strongly consider burning it and all its contents to the ground.

  10. SisterMerryHellish

    The people you speak of, those who are strong yet broken, beautiful yet unaware, exemplary yet missing a piece, are the most interesting of beings and the ones that draw me repeatedly like a drunken moth to a rum soaked flame.

    Consider this comment as proof.

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