Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My Interview with Jack Kevorkian

Jack Kevorkian

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka “Dr. Death”, died today at the age of 83.  Given the fact that I’m a posthumous journalist of the highest caliber, I got first dibs on an interview:

Me:  Let me start this interview off by declaring that I support you completely, Dr. Kevorkian.

JK:  You do?

Me:  Absolutely.  I think that if someone wants to die, and you put the tools and mechanisms in their hands, you are only doing them a favor.

JK:  Exactly.  I’m just helping enable them to carry out their personal decisions.

Me:  I know!  Last month, my cat really wanted to die.  It can’t speak, obviously, but it was telling me by peeing on my pillow for the hundredth time.

JK:  Umm . . .

Me:  So, I asked myself WWJKD? And then I enabled my cat to commit suicide.

JK:  How exactly did you do that?

Me:  Well, I didn’t have any of those fancy chemicals that you had, so I just set up a catapult (Ha! Get it?) that would send my cat into the swamp behind my house where a few alligators live.

JK:  Oh Jesus.

Me:  And then I enabled her to commit suicide by putting catnip on the flingy part of the catapult.  It worked like a charm.  She yowled “Thank youuuu” as she went to her reward.  I think.

JK:  My God, man, you’ve completely perverted my entire philosophy!

Me:  Nah! I’ve got it figured out perfectly.

JK:  I think you murdered your cat, actually.

Me:  Well, I was learning – it’s not easy being a sidekick to Dr. Death, you know.

JK:  Sigh.  I hate that nickname.

Me:  It’s a great superhero name!  I’m calling myself The Killer Kid.

JK:  That’s abominable.

Me:  Avitable.

JK:  No-…. never mind.

Me:  Next is my neighbor.  He’s been begging to die for a while.

JK:  Literally?

Me:  Well, no, but I can read body language.  He’s totally giving explicit signals.

JK:  Like?

Me:  You know, like looking at me weird when I reverse out of my driveway going 60 and shaking his head at the fact that my Christmas lights are still hanging up.

JK:  Is he sick?

Me:  Don’t think so – he seems like a pretty healthy 30-something guy.  But he wants to die, so who am I to say no?  It’s my duty as The Killer Kid!

JK:  Hmm.  Well, do you want to know a secret?

Me:  Yes!

JK:  If you really want to be my superhero sidekick, you can’t just be some ordinary boy-er, fat bearded man.

Me:  No?

JK:  No – I need to give you my secret super suicide soldier formula to truly transform you into The Killer Kid.

Me:  Will I get superpowers?

JK:  Absolutely.  All of them.

Me:  Sign me up!

JK:  I’ve got what I need right here.  Just sit still.

Me:  Hurry!  Hurry!

JK:  Ok, this will just hurt a little.

Me:  OW!  What wash thet?  Did joo injerkt me wif sumfin?

JK:  Yup – just give it a second to take effect.

Me:  Ok.  Wass it called?

JK:  Lethal injection.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!) in the sidebar –>

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