Captain Rantypants Featured Image

The one where I talk about men and women and piss everyone off.

Do you know why so many women prefer the company of assholes over men who are their good friends? Because it’s instinct. It’s nature. A man’s job, as imprinted on his genes, is to fuck. Fuck a woman, spread your seed, move onto the next woman. Impregnate as many women as you can until you die so that the world continues. That’s it. And women know this innately. Forget any of this nonsense about women liking a man that they think they can fix or embracing a challenge. In the end, women have it hardwired in their genes that their genetic job is to get pregnant as many times as humanly possible and pop out baby after baby. It doesn’t matter who the father is and, in fact, the more fathers, the better, because that will help avoid homogenization of our species. So a man who is an asshole is someone who is more likely to fuck and run and the future of our species is safe. (And I guess that the genetic jobs of the gay men and women in our society are to keep us up to date on fashion and softball techniques. And demonstrate what healthy relationships actually look like.)

Men, don’t even bother being friends with a woman that you like. It’s not worth the time and effort. Don’t get to know her, don’t listen to her, don’t actually be there for her when she needs it. Don’t talk to her on the phone, don’t anticipate her needs, and by God, don’t offer any type of support at all. Don’t pursue her or compliment her. Never show interest in her, and certainly don’t notice if she changes her hair or buys new clothes. Don’t bother remembering birthdays or important dates, and don’t be someone on whom she can rely. Don’t allow yourself to pay attention to any type of connection that exists and ignore any signs of compatibility.

Just be an asshole. Ignore her. Call her when you feel like it, but not when you told her you would. Be late for everything. Make her ask for compliments. Belittle her. Hate her friends and avoid remembering their names. Roll your eyes at her interests and concerns, and grumble under your breath at her questions. Answer her with one or two words if at all possible. Fluctuate between begrudging and horny. Shy away from commitment and get angry when it’s questioned. Be useless so that she feels needed but refuse to offer thanks for anything she does. Remain as superficial as humanly possible.

Never tell her how you feel and never wait for her to realize what she already has, because she will never get it. Walk away from her without explanation, and she won’t be able to run after you quickly enough to find out why you think she’s not good enough for you. She won’t be able to throw herself at you fast enough. And anyone who’s so fucking stupid to be her friend will get to hear about all of the things you do to her that makes her feel bad, and they’ll comfort her for you until she’s ready to drop her friendship again and come crawling back to you.

Emotions and communication have no place in a relationship between a man and a woman. All that matters is instinct, genetic survival, and self-esteem. Don’t be the idiot who is the friend. Be the asshole and be a real man.

Share the love:
Follow by Email

51 Replies to “The one where I talk about men and women and piss everyone off.”

  1. Dee

    I’m guessing you’ve just been shit upon from a great height by a woman who is now involved with an arsehole… We’re not all like that and I know you know it.

  2. Jen O.

    I dated the bad boys but married the good guy. I am sorry you had to go through whatever you went through to make you feel this way, but know the bad boy doesn’t always get the girl in the end. Sometimes nice guys do finish first.

  3. Sybil Law

    The fatal flaw here:
    ” Men, don’t even bother being friends with a woman that you like.”
    Are you trying to be friends with them, or just always, from day 1, in fact, pursuing them? Because that’s what it sounds like to me.
    Not that I don’t understand your frustration. I watch idiot chicks make idiot decisions over pathetic men more often than I’d like. I watch my nice guy friends get crapped on frequently. But not always.
    Regardless, I feel bad for those friends, but I wasn’t pursuing them, or expecting them to see that I was “right” for them all along. That’s asking for heartache.
    We’ve talked about this before…

  4. JenGid

    Have you ever thought it might not be about you being the nice guy, but that it’s about her being the bitch? Please don’t stop being one of the nice guys, I love them.

  5. Kirsty

    Oh Adam, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through something that’s made you feel like this, but this post blew my mind for another reason: on reading it, I realised you were describing my ex to perfection. And I never realised what an asshole he was to me with such clarity before…
    Not all men are like that (I have to believe this), and not all women fall for it (I seriously hope I won’t ever again).

  6. SFD

    The problem with your logic is that there is a difference between getting laid and getting into a relationship. Your advice to men will get them laid, will produce them offspring, but will not get them a companion or a mate in a long term sense.

  7. Valerie

    I have no doubt you can act and be the asshole type you described. Let us know which approach works better for you. Because that behavior is not natural for you, I wonder if that would cause even more heartache and frustration.

  8. Stacey

    Being a good friend to a woman is likely to get you nowhere if your intent is to date her. Not even because women date assholes. It’s because you get into that “What we have now is so perfect. I don’t want to fuck it up with a relationship.” zone.

  9. Amy

    Someone’s got his grouchy pants on. I married the nice guy. Just for the record. Really hot girls are normally the asshole daters. Maybe you need to lower your standard in the looks department? Just sayin.

  10. Wendy S.

    I used to like the “bad boys” and jerk offs who treated me the way you described but as I matured, I automatically turn away from those kinds of men because I value who I am and what I will/won’t put up with.

    The women who have high self-esteem and want a loving, healthy relationship wants a man who values her equally, wants to be not only her friend and lover and knows that despite him being incredibly hurt has moved past the insecure women who are only attracted to jerks. Don’t give up Adam on being the romantic, authentic, and supportive kind of men that real women want!

  11. MsChick74

    How funny. I was just thinking that I need to act like a total psycho bitch just to be able to keep a guy’s attention for longer than one date. Unfortunately, I don’t have it in me to be bitchy on purpose and am obviously not the right kind of crazy, which is probably why I’m single.

  12. Robin

    Someone said it on FB and I’ll repeat it here…you don’t end up being just her friend because you’re too nice, you end up there because there is no sexual chemistry for her. It sucks. And it’s true.
    If this is about something that’s happening to you, be this girl’s friend for real and give up on dating her. Or don’t be her friend anymore if all you really wanted was to date her. But either way, move on and look for someone who thinks you are the greatest thing since the Beatles. Because as you know, settling is NOT the way to go.

  13. Freaky Weasel

    Your words make little sense to me. They only sort of apply to girls under thirty. Young women I approach on a 5:1 ratio of selfish to sweet. For every five times I do whatever I want, I make sure to buy a truck stop rose in one of those little test tube vials. My relationships, while fleeting, bring me immense temporary pleasure.

    I don’t know what women over 30 like. But why would I want to?

  14. Annabelle

    When do you say the stuff that’s gonna piss people of.

    If you’re the idiot girl who stills fawns over the asstard, then you’re not ready for the good guy.

    If you’re the good guy still making puppy eyes at the twit with immature tastes then you’re not as smart as you think you are.

    We all have primal instincts, the best rise above them.

    hugs to you though, if you need them.

  15. Annabelle

    When do you say the stuff that’s gonna piss people of.

    If you’re the idiot girl who stills fawns over the asstard, then you’re not ready for the good guy.

    If you’re the good guy still making puppy eyes at the twit with immature tastes then you’re not as smart as you think you are.

    We all have primal instincts, the best rise above them.

    hugs to you though, if you need them.

  16. faiqa

    You know what? After four years, I think you’ve finally succeded in offending me.
    My husband is not an asshole and treats me like a lady, honors and respects me. He is my FRIEND first and foremost. And I know so many men like him.
    YOUR shitty taste in women is NOT their fault.

  17. sweetney

    Everyone likes the chase, I think – women definitely do, as much as men do. Which is, I think, at the heart of what you’re saying here. Don’t pursue her and she’ll pursue you.

    It’s kind of genius 🙂

  18. Sheila

    If you’d stop painting your toe nails and drinking pink, fizzy drinks, they’d stop thinking of you as their Gay Boyfriend and maybe then you can get somewhere with the relationship.

  19. hello haha narf

    fuck, i hate generalizations. especially since you are oh so wrong. instead of going into the entire thing, mostly i will just say: what stacey, sybil, amy, renee and sheila said.

    you seemed to have had a bad day and ranted, feel better or still feel like you are right?

  20. Nancy [Spinning My Plates]

    I’m sorry you were hurt. But, I don’t think you really believe a word that you wrote to be really true. You know as well as anyone that people (of either gender) are assholes and do asshole-ish things to other people that don’t deserve it. Life is full of bad choices and it sucks when you’re on the receiving end of it. I don’t think that this crappy incident is going to stop you from being the decent, kind, thoughtful, and generous guy you are. You just can’t hide that kind of good.

Leave a Reply