Grammy-award winning crackhead Amy Winehouse was found dead today at the age of 27. I sat down with her post-demise:
Me: Thank you for sitting down with me today.
AW: No problem. I’m ‘appy t’ be ‘ere.
Me: Also, congratulations on joining the 27 Club!
Me: The 27 Club – Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain all died at the age of 27.
Me: Yeah, it’s an interesting phenomenon. There are actually many more musicians who died at that age, but none quite as famous as those five.
AW: And now me, innit.
Me: Well, I don’t know that I’d consider you to be in their class as far as talent and ability. The group actually officially doesn’t even include Cobain, who had an ambition as a child to join the 27 Club.
AW: Yew don’t fink I’ve got the talent?
AW: You ‘ad better explain y’self.
Me: Honestly? You sound like the British version of a deep south white trash cracker with no teeth. And your music wouldn’t get nearly the attention it got if it wasn’t for the publicity over your drug and alcohol abuse and mental health issues.
AW: I don’t giv’ a farmer’s truck wot yer goin’ on about.
Me: So you really feel like you are as talented as Janis Joplin or Jim Morrison?
AW: Yer damn right.
Me: Even though the running theme through your music is just about your refusal to do anything other than party until you’re dead, which makes you about as deep as Ke$ha?
AW: Gordon Bennett! Yew fuckin’ Richard the Third.
Me: See? That doesn’t even make sense. I mean, only because I speak Cockney just as well as Barbara Billingsley spoke Jive in Airplane do I know that you said “Christ! You fucking piece of shit.” You have the vocabulary and talent of a half-brained chimp with Downs Syndrome. And you look like one too.
AW: Bloody ‘ell.
Me: Although, I did hear that Elton John is planning to write a song for you.
Me: Yeah. It’s called “Candle in the Fuck I Don’t Actually Give a Shit This Talentless Skank is Dead.”
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