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Where I’ve been and where I’m going. Also, more #BlogHer11 shit.

Have you missed me? I’ve been around, just not here.

Over at the new satire site, Insert Eyeroll, I dispense advice with my monthly column. You can submit questions and know that you’re getting sage advice that will in no way cause your own death and/or humiliation. Go check out my debut post.

As I have been for the last several months, I write about pop culture at MamaPop, and by pop culture, I mean geeky movies and tits.

And over at MoxieBird, I’ve written about eating dogs, improving Google Plus, and finding dead bodies, amongst other topics.

As for where I’m going, Wednesday morning at the ungodly hour of 6:30 AM, I take off for San Diego to attend BlogHer for six days.  I’ve already told you how to avoid being a loser and gave you my cell number so you can drunk text me.

Have you gotten the BlogHer 2011 app yet?  While not 100% perfect, it’s the best thing to come from BlogHer, ever.  It’s about as easy to use as their website is terrible to navigate. If you’re going to be at the conference this year, I’d suggest getting that app for your phone now.

For those of you who are voyeurs and stalkers, or if you’re actually going to be in San Diego, here is my anticipated schedule:

Wednesday, August 3rd

6:30 AM (EST)
Take off for San Diego

6:31 AM (EST)
Start drinking.

11:00 AM (PDT)
Land in San Diego. Stumble to taxi.

12:00 PM – 5:00 PM
Go find a doctor and get a prescription for my “anxiety” that can only be solved by some type of medicinal herb.

5:00 PM – ??
Eat, drink, be merry.

Thursday, August 4th

8ish AM – Noon
Wake up, masturbate, work, shower, masturbate, dance, dry hump something.

Noon – 6:00 PM
Eat, mingle, hug, grope, take photos, talk, dance, dry hump something.

6:00 PM – 8:00 PM
Evening at the Expo. Look at exhibitions, try not to dry hump anything.

8:00 PM – 10:00 PM
People’s Party.  I’m a people so this is totally my party.

10:00 PM – 12:00 AM
Queerosphere.  Be clear that I’m here but not queer.

12:00 AM – 5:00 AM
Road trip to Tijuana for a donkey show?

Friday, August 5th

8ish AM – 11:45 AM
Wake up, dry hump something, work, shower, masturbate, sing loudly to embarrassing music.

11:45 AM
Lunch.  Talk to people. Give them naked business cards and watch them weep in horror.

1:00 PM – 4:45 PM
Go see “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”.  Or maybe socialize.

4:45 PM – 6:00 PM
Voices  of the Year Community Keynote.  Applaud loudly for everyone who got chosen to read their posts while quietly judging their posts for not being nearly as good as mine.

6:00 PM – 8:00 PM
Voices of the Year Reception.  Enthusiastically congratulate everyone who got chosen to read their posts while quietly judging their posts for not being nearly as good as mine.

8:00 PM – 9:00 PM
Listen to Your Mother Open Mic.  No idea what the fuck this is.  Try to do comedy here if they’ll let me.

9:00 PM – 1:00 AM
Motherfucking Sparklecorn!   Wear glitter shirt, guyliner, and body glitter.  Try to keep Shawn and Whit from fucking me in the ass.  Fail.

Saturday, August 6th

8ish AM – 9:00 PM
Relax, swim, go to beach, bum fights, bury bums, dry hump everything in sight.

9:00 PM – 10:00 PM
Aiming Low Party.  Plan on dressing up, but then realize it’s Aiming Low, so fuck it.  Wear a thong and pink cowboy hat.

10:00 PM – 1:00 AM
CheeseburgHer Party.  Eat, drink, and be hairy.

Sunday, August 7th

8ish AM – 3:00 PM
Laugh at all of you fuckers who have to get up early and check out of your hotel to fly home to your hectic lives.

3:00 PM – Midnight
Get bored out of my skull wondering why I didn’t fly out on Sunday.

Monday, August 8th

Fly home.  Use ointment on sore arms.  Cry myself to sleep.  While dry humping.

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25 Replies to “Where I’ve been and where I’m going. Also, more #BlogHer11 shit.”

  1. Jess

    I see you’re scaling back on the masturbation and dry humping this year. While I’m not completely satisfied with this change in your personality, I’m still stoked out of my mind to see you this weekend.

    That is all.

  2. Dave2

    Wow… your masturbation quota is much lower than usual. And when did you give up masturbating on the weekends? Forget the anxiety pills… you need some viagra!

    (By mentioning “viagra” your visitor counts just tripled. You. Are. Welcome!*)

    *The fact that 99% of these will be spambots is no less cause for thanking me.

  3. Rachel

    Well now I am really sad that I’m not going to BlogHer. How can I miss all this Avitable? I think you need your own conference. All Avitable, all the time. When do we schedule that?

  4. Hockeymandad

    Yes, what Angie said! 6:30??? Hahahaha, that’s a bit dumber than playing in a hockey league where games start at 10:30pm. Just a bit. Depends on the person.

    Also, donkey show? PLEASE. It’s Inter-species erotica. Show some respect.

    For those attending BlogHer, be warned, my sciatic is still wonky after all the dry humping you did on me last year when you made me put that dress on. Yes, it was “flattering to my arms and made my eyes pop”, but why did you so strongly insist on the stilettos? Have some heart with your lucky first time blogher orientation session victim this year.

  5. hogsatemysister

    You are a bloke, I am assuming, since you have a beard, and a crotch shot of Gov. Mooseteats. Yet you are a BlogHer? You have been on their website, and you were not sucked into the darkness, never to see the light again? Perhaps you are awesome. Or a complete goose. We shall be watching you.

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