Today is the 10-year anniversary of the date that Osama bin Laden, operating independently from the directives and guidelines of his purported religion, attacked the United States by hijacking planes and flying them into the Twin Towers in New York and the Pentagon in Virginia. I’m explaining it this specifically because for any children who were born in 2000 or later, 9/11 is just a day to them when politicians seem to be more full of shit and when good old ignorant red-blooded Americans seem even more anti-Muslim than the other 364 days of the year.
A decade has passed, and I think that it’s time for us to do what Americans do best: condense our pain into meaningless symbolic gestures! What better way to make ourselves feel like we’re actually doing something worthwhile than to wear a pin or hold a sign or have a moment of silence?
Here are my suggestions for improving upon 9/11 for future anniversaries:
- Parades! Parades bring the family together as they sit on a cold sidewalk for hours or gather in front of the television to watch brightly colored balloons representing corporate brands, Rudy Giuliani, and cartoons go down a street in tune to poorly played music by a local high school band.
- Extravagant sales! Can’t you just picture it? “Our prices are crashing down! We’re hijacking our dealer and demanding lower prices just for you!” It could be the new Black Friday, except we’d have to call it Nine Elevenganza or something like that.
- No school or work! I mean, what the hell, America? There’s a day off for Veterans and for dead soldiers and dead Presidents and dead black leaders, but what about dead everyday regular Americans? They deserve a day where our mail doesn’t get delivered and our bank doesn’t deposit checks.
- Greeting cards! Hallmark came out with an entire division devoted exclusively to African American relationships, so why not a 9/11 division? You could have humorous cards depicting the actions of that wacky Osama, and then serious cards with flowers on them that offer condolences or some other type of treacle that is mass produced by people in China.
- A song! One idiot princess crashes into a tunnel and Elton John crafts an ode to her. Where’s the song that makes us remember 9/11? It shouldn’t be too hard – you can rhyme “eleven” with “heaven” and “seven” and “leavened”, kind of. I think that Green Day, Lady Gaga, and the White Stripes should get to work and make us proud. 10% of all profit from sales could go to charity, too. 90% of all profit from sales could go into the artists’ and studios’ wallets.