It's not always about being funny.

Things Left Unsaid

Sometimes, it’s about the things we can’t say. Whether it’s because we’re not brave enough, or just because the opportunity has passed, these unspoken phrases, positive or negative, supportive or detracting, reminiscent or in hindsight, deserve to be heard.

  1. I’m not now and have never been your villain.
  2. The real you is so much better than the devoutly religious facade.
  3. You’re making a mistake and deserve better.
  4. I don’t think you’re really my friend.
  5. Not everything is about you, or a conspiracy. Learn how to relax and go with the flow.
  6. It was never meant to be, and that will always be my fault.
  7. Take no for an answer for once. It’s for the best in the long run.
  8. I take your actions very personally and will never forgive you.
  9. I can’t stop thinking about you.
  10. Stop hating yourself and see what everyone else sees.
  11. You’re so independent and smart, and I don’t understand your reliance on illogical rules and constraints.
  12. You would have been forgiven a long time ago if you weren’t the perpetual victim.
  13. It’s your loss.
  14. I keep your secrets because that’s the type of person that I am, not because I feel like I owe you anything.
  15. There’s something there. I know it.

Those are mine. What are yours?

62 thoughts on “Things Left Unsaid”

  1. 1. Your complacency killed my mother.

    2. Your insecurities are driving me away.

    3. Your paranoid delusions are destroying your best relationships.

    4. You chose to be malicious and it’s unforgivable.

    5. I am competing for your childrens love. The fact that I have a better relationship with them than you do is your fault.

    Adam, I liked this. Thanks for the forum.

  2. Are these all directed at the same person? A few are if they all aren’t.

    All that comes to mind right now is “I’m sorry I was too fucking cheap to fly to your funeral. I miss you, and regret that decision, more often that I ever admit out loud.”

  3. Where do I start? I am the king of things unsaid!

    1. I’d rather hide my feelings for you forever than to risk rejection by telling you how I really feel.
    2. I let you think you won because the truth would utterly destroy you and I don’t want that on my conscious… no matter how much you deserve it.
    3. I know you think that they are your friend, but your trust is gravely misplaced.
    4. Get. Over. It.
    5. I have to hide my admiration of you because I fear your inflated ego already makes you a bit of an asshole.
    6. Stop thinking that everybody is trying to one-up you. If you got up off your lazy ass and did something with your life, you wouldn’t care.
    7. I was a better friend to you and your family than you’ll ever know, which makes your subsequent ostracization of me really hard to take.
    8. I know everything you said about me, and am shocked that you wouldn’t think I’d find out given the people you choose to confide in.
    9. I will go on pretending that you don’t regularly stab me in the back if you’ll go on believing that I like you. It’s just so much easier that way.
    10. You only think it bothers me, but everybody already knows you haven’t had an original thought in a decade, so why should I waste my energy caring?
    11. You can blame them all you want, but it was your actions that got you where you are now.
    12. Get therapy. Lots of therapy. Seriously, somebody this deluded needs the help.
    13. I don’t think that I’m better than you, but I do think I make better decisions.
    14. Telling me your fucked-up secrets isn’t honoring me, it’s burdening me. I’m your friend, not a priest.
    15. To say I miss you is an epic understatement. I ache for you.

  4. Man, what gives? Lately, your posts have been about as funny as dick cancer.

    Here a little thing I’m not going to leave unsaid: Start writing funny posts again. These ‘deep’ ones need to stay in your diary or get mailed to PostSecret or something.

    Now I’m going to go throw rocks at old people to entertain myself, since this site ain’t cutting it.

    1. @Krëg, I’ve been writing a lot of comedy for my stand-up, so this has become a bit of a venue for serious posts. Or really, just when I have time to write, rather than coming up with something every day. If only some celebrities would die already, I’d be all set!

  5. I love this post. Thank you for allowing me to put mine here.

    1. No one else can make you happy. You have to figure out how to do that for yourself.
    2. Finding a husband isn’t suddenly going to make your life perfect. You’ll still have the same problems you have now. You might even have more.
    3. You are so HARSH. You make everyone uncomfortable when you air your dirty laundry in public. Save it for home when it’s just the two of you. And you still need to take it down a notch – you aren’t perfect either.
    4. Living with you pretty much guarantees him sainthood.
    5. Grow up and start acting like a manager. Putting off hard decisions doesn’t make them go away and doesn’t make the situation any better.
    6. Just because I budget my money carefully, doesn’t mean I’m not having a hard time with this. I’m having just as much trouble as you are, I’m just a little more careful and a lot less vocal.
    7. It isn’t funny when you act that way. It’s obnoxious. People laugh because it makes them feel uncomfortable, not because they like it.

    Thank you again for the free therapy. 😉

  6. 1. Your selfishness and irresponsibility have made me lose respect for you, and your daughter will feel the same way when she gets older if you don’t man up.

    2. Their daughter has cancer, you’re helpful too, but you need to back the hell up and let them support her.

    3. Your anger is a serious problem, and you need to do something before you pass it along to your kids.

    4. If you don’t want the kids to remember you the way you remember your father, you need to change your behavior.

  7. 1. You live in a dream world. If you faced reality for even one minute of one day you’d see how ridiculous your life choices have been.

    2. I know you hate it when I say it, but it truly is what it is. You can’t change it just because you don’t like it.

    3. You call me a bitch but I know you’re just envious that I had the balls to do it and you’re still back there wondering what would have been.

    4. I’m afraid you’re going to die. Every time I walk in the door I steel myself against the possibility of finding you dead.

    5. I don’t miss you. I know you think I’ll always be here waiting, but the day you walked away was the day my life started.

    6. I do miss you. I think about you all the time and I hope I never run into you.

    7. I knew this was going to work the day your dad died. I have loved you from that moment and I will until the day I die.

  8. 1. I wish you had more motivation to do something. Anything.

    2. I see how hard you are trying to make your life what you want it to be and I really hope it works out for you.

    3. I am really thankful to be off your emotional rollercoaster.

    4. I am grateful to have you in my life. And you. And you. Oh yes, and you too.

    5. Friends don’t need to see friends fall down to make them feel better about themselves.

    6. If all you put out there is negativity, don’t be surprised when that’s all you get back.

    7. It’s not a contest. Stop tryig to one-up me because, believe me, if I wanted to win, I would.

    8. Don’t call me stupid again unless you want to get hurt.

    9. I miss you and think of you all the time.

    10. Don’t think I don’t know that you were never my friend. I knew it from the very beginning.

    11. I’m sorry you chose to live at Dysfunction Junction because I can’t even visit you there.

    12. You are beautiful. Yes, you.

    13. Say it with me, “It’s not about me.” Now mean it.

  9. I just read everyone else’s and I don’t have any real ones. I think it’s cuz I say exactly what I feel, though I don’t always have (make?) time to tell the people that matter to me just how much I appreciate them – like you, Lisa up there, Megan, Sam, Casey, oh shit the list is long! I love all my damn friends!

  10. I’m not really your friend?


    I hope you don’t mean me. At the very same time, I don’t think any of these are about me, and somehow that makes me sad.

    I don’t have any of these to say.

  11. I can’t help but think that there are some things left unsaid that are better that way. Some I’d like to say out loud, sure, but most are better behind my clenched teeth. Or posted here on your blog where no one that would be looking for them would ever find them!
    1. Quit your bitching. Quit your whining. Just fucking DO IT already.
    2. If you treat me as a convenience I won’t look back.
    3. I don’t care who you are: I wasn’t put here to be your mommy, your savior or your excuse.
    4. Yes, I have high standards for relationships. And yes, I will hold you to them. Why should I expect less from you than I am willing to give?
    5. We may be related by blood, but we are by no means ‘family’. You may not like the consequences but they were your choices – not mine.

    Now I’m all angry in my head. Crap.

  12. Don’t look at me as if I was dead already. Stop crying, cut the emotional crap and move on. I am the one who is sick, not you.

    Life doesn’t wait for you. What the fuck are you waiting for?

    You did hurt me more than you will ever know.

    I know you don’t love me the way I love you. That’s fine. Really.

    I wish I have more time, too.

    Thanks for the therapy, Avi 🙂

  13. 1. I am SO TIRED. I know you want to try now, but you need to recognize that I tried for years without you getting on board. I think I’m done.
    2. Regardless of what happened between us, I guess I’m not getting out of this without looking like the bad guy here. Oh well.
    3. Sitting around wishing for a job is simply not the same as looking for one. And I feel as if my head is going to explode just thinking that I even have to say that to you.
    4. Your words don’t mean a thing when your actions demonstrate over and over again that I am not valued.
    5. Don’t tell me I can’t.
    6. I get it now. I am so very sorry that it’s too late.
    7. Your complete unwillingness to discipline her during these teen years means I’m going to have to pick up the pieces over and over during her adult years when you’re gone. The future me already resents that.
    8. I don’t think I will ever forgive you.
    9. I have spent the past 20 years chasing some very complicated things. Knowing you makes me realize that none of that matters as much as a seat in the sun, an afternoon drive, a full day’s work and the right hand to hold when that day is done. I will forever wish that hand was yours.

    Thanks for the free therapy session. 🙂

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