If you’ve been paying attention, you’ve learned how to write well and how to be funny. Those are not the only topics of which I consider myself to be one of the world’s foremost experts, and so the series continues with today’s installment:
How to write a resume that will get you hired
There are many schools of thought with regards to the proper resume, but my school is like Professor Xavier’s School for Super Mutant Children compared to those other schools for kids who eat scissors. If you follow these simple steps, you will end up with a resume that will wow, that will impress, that will grab the reader by the testicles and squeeze, but in a good way.
1. Find a good photo.
Many so-called resume experts will tell you that you should never put a photo with your resume, but I think we all know it’s because those experts are probably fat and ugly. A good photo can cause your future employer to experience stirring in the general area of the loins, which can cause them to make emotional decisions like calling you for an interview, before they even read the rest of your resume! This is the photo I have on my resume:
It’s a good photo because it shows that I’m playful, so I’ll get along with my fellow employees. It demonstrates that I have well-maintained grooming, so I’m not some smelly hippie. And finally, it confirms for the employer that I’m a man, so they know to offer me more money.
2. Provide sufficient contact information.
There’s nothing worse than an employer having trouble reaching you to offer you a sweet position with lots of benefits. I have found that the more contact information you provide, the better your chances of not missing that one-in-a-million contact. In addition to your address, phone number, and email address, I would recommend considering your Twitter account, your Facebook page, your mother’s phone number, your neighbor’s phone number, the addresses and phone numbers of bars or restaurants that you frequent, your best friend’s email address, and, if you have space, your Google+ profile. Here’s what I have for my contact information:
3. Use Latin if you can.
Employers will be really wowed if you use a fancy dead language like Latin. If you have a college degree, it’s usually easy, especially if you graduated summa cum laude or got an advanced degree like a Juris Doctoris. If you don’t have that option, I’d suggest tossing in some random Latin phrases throughout your resume. Chances are that the employer won’t know what they mean, but he or she will still totally think you’re awesome for it. Some of my favorite phrases include:
- Carpe diem – Seize the day.
- Tempus fugit – Time flies.
- Veni, vidi, vici – I came, I saw, I conquered.
- Caveat emptor – Buyer beware.
- Veni, vidi, carpe carp – I came, I saw, I seized the carp.
- Ego coitus interruptus, tamen carpe diem quod veni – My sex was interrupted, but I seized the day and came.
4. Highlight your most relevant experience.
If you’re applying for a job to mow lawns and provide lawn care services, but the most recent job on your resume is the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you should consider making a section called “Relevant Experience” that focuses mainly on that job you had in high school where you mowed your neighbors’ lawns for $25.
I find that it can also sometimes be a good idea to include the irrelevant experience, too, like I did on my resume:
5. Leave out anything negative.
It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and your resume is supposed to be a summary of your experience relevant to the position to which you’re applying, not a comprehensive autobiography on every single thing you’ve done in your life. Those four years that you spent in prison for grand theft auto? Fill that gap by discussing your decision to “pursue educational opportunities in a government-sponsored program.” Did you drop out of college without finishing because you got pregnant? Try “Entered the workforce earlier than my peers with the goal of developing immediate, hands-on experience.” Let the employer read between the lines or do a background check, and with luck, they’ll be just as lazy as your last employer.
6. Make it look nice on a page.
In the end, the only thing that really matters with regards to a resume is how it looks. Most employers can barely read, and they’re very likely to just point at the prettiest resume and hire that person on the spot. Use clean fonts, leave plenty of white space, and don’t use any ridiculous colors, and you’ll be hired in an instant.
That’s all there is to it. Six simple steps to a perfect resume that will get you hired for any job. If you have any questions or need assistance, you can use mine as a template:
Good luck on your future career!