Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

My Interview with Steve Jobs

Tech visionary and entrepreneur Steve Jobs died yesterday at the age of 56, and I had the opportunity to sit down with him after his passing.

Steve Jobs

Me: I don’t know if I can do this.

SJ: Do what?

Me: Interview you. For once, I’m actually sad that a public figure has died, and it’s hard to write anything funny when you’re sad.

SJ: Well, don’t interview me, then. Why not let me interview you?

Me: But that’s not how it works.

SJ: Says who? Why are you living your life according to anyone else’s rules?

Me: Well, isn’t that the actual definition of “interview”?

SJ: So redefine it. Make it about what you want to do.

Me: What I want to do? I want to take the death of a truly innovative, inspirational person, and find the funny.

SJ: Okay, so how can we do that? Let’s get back to the roots of what makes something funny. Well?

Me: Umm, something would be considered funny if it makes at least one member of a select group of people laugh?

SJ: Yes!

Me: And the more members of that group that laugh, the more successful one is in making something funny.

SJ: Exactly.

Me: So, when the group is something as large as the entire Internet audience, it’s extremely difficult and complicated to create something that is successfully funny to a majority of the members of that group.

SJ: Is it? I think you’re putting too much thought into the output and not into the design of the joke itself. Sometimes the most successful things we can do in life will have the simplest structures.

Me: That’s true, but the mechanisms into making it appear simple can usually be extremely complex.

SJ: Sometimes, yes. But here’s a basic one. Did you hear about the new Apple product that will help people with their bowel movements, resulting in more effective digestion?

Me: No.

SJ: It’s called iBM.

Me: ….

SJ: See? BM because of “bowel movement”, but with the “i”, becomes just like IBM, aka International Bus-

Me: Yeah, anytime you have to explain a joke, it loses any luster.

SJ: Okay, okay, let’s go simpler. Knock knock.

Me: Who’s there?

SJ: Apple.

Me: Apple who?

SJ: Apple your hair if you don’t let me in.

Me: *groan* Some jokes just miss the mark.

SJ: Yeah, but you’ll never get there if you don’t try everything. It’s all about perseverance. Let me think . . .

Me: I’ve got one. How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?

SJ: How many?

Me: Three. One to come up with a design for a brand new type of lighting source that requires its own unique proprietary electrical connection to your home, one to create a method to buy proprietary accessories and design elements to improve the bulb’s functions, and one to come up with a name like iGlow that will convince people to spend $399 on a really cool looking light source.

SJ: *chuckles* There you go!

Me: I’ll miss you, Steve.

SJ: Thank you. It was quite a journey.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!) in the sidebar –>

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44 Replies to “My Interview with Steve Jobs”

  1. Sweaty

    Aw, Adam… I know it’s kinda hormonal of me, but I found myself really sad to hear about Steve Jobs passing last night. Never thought I would be, considering I’ve never even met the man, but somehow I did.

    This is a great tribute to him though. In some weird way I could totally see him saying those things.

    Ok, I AM emotional.

  2. Naked Girl in a Dress

    You did a wonderful job finding a way to find some humor even though he was someone who will truly be missed (unlike a few of the other post-mortem celebrity interviews you have conducted) and made a huge contribution in this world.

    Loved the lightbulb joke.

  3. Latchkeymatt

    I have long suspected that you were the Internet’s foremost celebrity medium. Beautifully written piece.

    SJ: Sometimes, yes. But here’s a basic one. Did you hear about the new Apple product that will help people with their bowel movements, resulting in more effective digestion?….It’s called a fucking apple. Try eating one?

  4. Latchkeymatt

    He was a truly remarkable person and I can’t help but think that he would much rather people give the apples they are leaving as clever memorials outside Apple stores nationwide to the countless homeless people that were probably stepped over between the subway station and the 5th ave. store. “Beat it bum, these apples are for a deceased billionaire”.

  5. Latchkeymatt

    You can assess the importance of a person by the impact their death has on people that don’t know them. The outpouring of grief over the death of Steve Jobs is understandable, but I am choosing another path. What a great world we would live in if everybody got to receive their death with the knowledge that they maximized their potential, lived a wealthy and rich life, changed the world and left their kids and grandkids with financial security. Steve Jobs is one of the rare few that had no bucket list, and that should be celebrated.

    I mourn for the countless, anonymous lives that are lost, or worse yet taken from from people that did not even realize that they had potential, let alone have the chance to maximize it. People that die with regrets, turmoil or alone…people who’s bucket list was to make ends meet, or not feel abandoned, disenfranchised or abused…that is a tragedy that happens every minute of every day.

    Thank you Mr. Jobs for your inspiration and contributions. Here’s hoping for more like you.

  6. Heidi Leanne

    Yours is the only thing I’ve read that has made me come close to tearing up. Well done! Now, this is the only place I feel is appropriate for a joke of this nature – thank you for giving me this outlet:

    What was the last product Steve Jobs came out with?

    The iDead.

  7. The Demigod

    Damn you, Adam. That shoved an apple in my throat and iCried.

    Seriously though, this was one of your best interviews. I can almost here SJ saying, “that’ll do, sir. That’ll do”.

    (PS: if I do any more crying over the man, I’m going to need some kind of sports drink)

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