The Aristocats are very different from the Aristocrats joke. Very.

The Aristocrats

Please don’t read this post. It is the most vile, disgusting, horrible, evil thing I’ve ever written, and I am neither exaggerating nor being sarcastic.

A talent agent is sitting in his office when a family walks in. The agent looks at the father, mother, teenage daughter, young son, grandfather, grandmother, and dog, and says “So, what kind of act do you do?”

Dearest Avitable reader, if you are going to read this post, before you continue, you should familiarize yourself with the moral turpitude and vulgarity that are prevalent in the typical telling of the Aristocrats joke, and proceed with utmost care, trepidation, and caution.

Without a word, the father reaches over and punches his daughter so hard in the face that she flies across the room, spewing blood and teeth everywhere. The son immediately jumps to her side and kicks her square in the jaw until she is unconscious, laying in a pool of her own seeping mouthblood.

As the dog begins to lap up the blood, the grandfather reaches over, caresses his granddaughter’s head, and then proceeds to pull out any remaining teeth using a pair of pliers that have an obscene amount of rust on them. Meanwhile, the mother and father begin to undress each other forcefully, tearing every shred of clothing off while yelling “Nice asshole, Jesus!” every time a piece of clothing fails to yield.

If you’re still continuing to read this, be warned that it will only get worse, and you may not escape with any semblance of dignity until it is too late. It is your prerogative.

Now that the daughter’s teeth have been completely removed, the grandfather and the son prop up the daughter’s unconscious body and begin to paint her vigorously with spray paint until she is bright red from head to toe. As she dries, both men undress completely, then drape their underwear on their throbbing erections.

The mother and father, who are completely naked, move over to the agent’s desk. The father grasps the cheeks of his buttocks in each hand and spreads them as far as they can go, and guides his pulsing rectum over to the corner of the desk, then guides the corner of the desk deeply into his anus. His wife straddles him and begins to ride his erect penis in rhythm with the corner of the desk entering his asshole. After a few moments, the father’s anus starts bleeding profusely, and a flow of blood and shit stream across the desk.

Really? You’re still reading? It doesn’t get better. This isn’t even a real joke. It’s just shock value on top of shock value for the sake of shock value. Please, stop.

The son and the grandfather, naked with their erections covered by dirty, shit-stained underwear, grab the daughter, who is still unconscious and painted a shiny fire hydrant red, and hold her mouth open. The dog wanders over, gets on his two back legs, and proceeds to fuck her toothless mouth-hole with his erect purple and black canine cock. The son and grandfather use their free hands to reach across the daughter and masturbate the other’s erect penis. Behind them, the grandmother begins to slowly disrobe.

As the mother and father continue to participate in a threesome with the corner of the desk, the pool of shit and blood pouring from the father’s destroyed rectum continues to spread. The mother keeps riding the father’s erect penis, punching him in the testicles with every descent. With her free hand, she begins to root around in her nose, pulling out mucous and snot which she flicks across the room onto the son, grandfather, and unconscious daughter, who is still being mouth-fucked by the horny dog.

I’m begging you to stop reading. Just close the computer and go look at kittens or something.

The grandmother has removed all of her clothing, and as she watches the son and the grandfather jerk each other off, she begins to tie her hanging droopy tits into a bow. The dog emits a low woof and withdraws his penis from the daughter’s mouth just enough to cover the top of her head in a steaming load of dog sperm, right as the son and the grandfather also ejaculate, onto each other and onto the daughter’s bright red head. The mother hops off the father, flicking snot and boogers onto the daughter, while the father eases his anus off of the corner of the desk and hobbles over to the son, grandfather, and daughter, wherein he proceeds to cum all over their sticky, cum-soaked cocks and the cum-dripping head of the unconscious daughter. His stomach rumbles, and he barely has time to turn around before a torrent of shit and blood spray from his prolapsed anus, coating the room.

The entire family collapses to the ground, breathing heavily, covered in snot, shit, jizz, and blood, except for the grandmother, who has finished tying her pendulous breasts into a neat, purpling bow. On all fours, she walks around to each family member and licks them from head to toe, swallowing gallons of blood and shit and cum until each family member sparkles from cleanliness. Once she’s finished, she stands up, takes a bow, and promptly dies.

Stunned, the agent says “My God, what do you call that act?”

The family raises their arms triumphantly, except for the corpse of the grandmother and the daughter who is laying half-dead on the floor, displaying beaming smiles, and the father says “The Aristocrats”!

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45 Replies to “The Aristocrats”

  1. Alan Labovitz

    I’ve been reading your blog for a number of years now. I was originally attracted by the guy eating icecream riding in a limo with Hitler. I’ve been wondering when you would get to The Aristocrats. Have you seen the movie? This outdoes all of them from the movie. Thanks.

  2. Krëg

    Points deducted for:
    Lack of a tuba playing midget
    Agent not furiously masturbating while watching
    Only one dog
    No amputees wearing clown wigs

    Still, probably the fourth or fifth best telling of that joke that I’ve heard.

  3. Stacey

    What the ever loving fuck? I had never heard of The Aristocrats. I thought this post was going to be about that Disney Movie the Aristocrats (yay kittens!) Really though I should have heeded your warning. I couldn’t even finish the post.
    When will I ever learn?

  4. Becky

    I read the wikipedia link you provided, I read the entire post, and for the first time here I just don’t get it. What’s the point? To see how vulgar you can be? Honey that’s already been established. Maybe it’s a comedian thing and since my funny bone seems to be [insert your own punchline here] (see? malfunctioning funny bone) I was left just scratching my head.

    Although it was well written, I could visualize the entire thing in my head, so maybe I’m just a sick fuck which is possible.

    • Avitable

      @Becky, I think the original point was to juxtapose something classy like “The Aristocrats” with something terrible and vulgar, and it has since evolved into a joke where comedians try to be as disgusting and horrible as possible, and try to shock other comedians.

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