Today’s just a cornucopia of a post, stuffed with the gizzards and tripe from the last week:
Even though my family lives an hour away from me (a fact that they kept telling me as they berated me), I chose to spend Thanksgiving at my house in Altamonte Springs for the first time since I was single. In addition, I have a large group of friends here who don’t have family anywhere around and so I hosted a dinner for everyone. It was a group of about 15-20 comedians and other friends, and I think everyone had a blast. It was also the first time I’d ever prepared a meal this big without Amy helping out with the prep work. Also, you can tell from the below photo that she also did all the cleaning, because five days later I still haven’t done the dishes. I’m scared to go into my kitchen.
Do you follow me on Twitter? If not, you’re missing inane shit like this:
Contest 1: If you aren’t a reader of Dave over at Blogography, you’re missing out on an awesome giveaway. You can win high quality art, swag, and literature, along with shitty art from me AND a free Avitable calendar. All you have to do is donate $5 for an entry – go read Dave’s post for more information! It ends on November 30th, so hurry.
Contest 2: Almost two weeks ago, I put up a little trivia contest. Whichever two commenters were able to identify the most correct movie and TV references (out of 30 possible references) would win a copy of my Avitable 12-month calendar!
Most people were too afraid to give it a try because apparently they have the pop culture knowledge of a Fox News commentator, but seven of you gave it a good shot. Nobody guessed all the references, and a few of you came up with references that I didn’t even see.
For those of you who care (or entered), here is the original story with all movie/TV show titles listed immediately after the reference (in blue) parenthetically:
In the year 2000 (Late Night with Conan O’Brien), on the outskirts of the city of Bomont (Footloose), a blue box (Doctor Who) appeared on the horizon, hovering over Macho Grande (Airplane 2) before landing with an almost graceful, sensual crash (Crash). The door to the box opened, and its occupants, two young men wearing shirts representing a poorly spelled band named after untamed horses (Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure), emerged carefully.
One of the men reached into Backpack (Dora the Explorer) and pulled out a book, wrapped in plastic (Twin Peaks). Unwrapping it cautiously, he avoided the biting, gnashing teeth on the cover (Army of Darkness), and turned to page 394 (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban). Walking to the intersection of the two roads, he quickly recited this incantation (Supernatural): “Klaatu (The Day The Earth Stood Still) Baraka (Mortal Kombat: Annihilation) Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo (Cinderella) Echolls Mars (Veronica Mars) Fyarl (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) Snoochies (Clerks or any Kevin Smith/Jason Mewes movie)”.
Instantly a woman with orange hair stood before them wearing nothing but white bandages strategically wrapped around her torso (The Fifth Element). “Yes?” she asked, her eyes flashing with a metallic green glow (Smallville).
“Umm, evil lady dude, we want to know our density – umm, I mean destiny (Back to the Future),” stammered the shorter of the two men.
“And then?” (Dude, Where’s My Car?)
“Well, and then we’ll give you our souls. Well, just mine. His is already claimed by gypsies. (Angel)”
“One is enough, as long as you satisfy one additional demand.”
“What is it?”
“It’s an insistent authoritative request, but that’s not important right now (Airplane). I want your permission to slap you, one time, at some point in the future without warning (How I Met Your Mother).”
“Ok. Let’s make a deal. (Let’s Make a Deal!)”
She wrinkled her nose (Bewitched) and bobbed her head. “Done.” Her voice lingered on the air like her scent (Scent of a Woman) as she disappeared.
In her place was a cardboard box marked “Fragile”. The men knelt around it. “What’s in the box?” one asked. (Se7en)
Lifting out a delicious smelling apple gruyere pie (Pushing Daisies), the taller man shrugged, said, “Well, it’s not our destiny, but at least it’s not $240 worth of pudding (The State),” and began to eat.
Here’s how you ranked:
Congratulations to BE Earl and LeSombre for tying for first place and both winning a calendar! I know I probably have your addresses somewhere, but email me again, please.
Twelve Months of Awesome!
Finally, if you weren’t one of the unlucky ones who won a calendar, there are still a few left that I can get out to you in time for Christmas. For only $11.99, you’ll be spreading holiday cheer and donating to a great cause – a local animal rescue that helps older dogs find homes called Poodle and Pooch Rescue.
What’s in this calendar? 12 photos of yours truly doing ridiculous, shameless things, with new content added that will only be available on this calendar. Exclusive Avitable content that will never be seen again – how can you resist?
Who would enjoy an Avitable calendar? Your grandmother, your priest, your child’s kindergarten teacher – anybody but those three people.
PLUS, if you order using the special link below, you can get the calendar for only $9.99! That’s less than you probably paid to see that shitfest of a movie “Jack and Jill”, and with a calendar, you’ll get 12 months of enjoyment. And that includes shipping anywhere in the WORLD.
Order your 12-month Avitable calendar for only $9.99 now!