Recluse, despot, and insane cinephile Kim Jong Il, leader of North Korea for over sixteen years, died on Saturday after complications from working too hard, according to reports from North Korea sources. Even though he was notoriously publicity-shy, I managed to get a posthumuous interview with him.
Me: So, you died from being overworked on behalf of your people, is that true?
KJI: That or massive myocardial infarction. Same thing!
Me: Do you feel like you were a good leader to the North Koreans?
KJI: Would they call me “Dear Leader” if I wasn’t? I protected them from harms of capitalism and those stinky South Korean pigs while giving them just enough to survive.
Me: Did it bother you at all that you were considered by the rest of the world to be one of the worst dictators alive today?
KJI: Nawww, you all stupid.
Me: All of us?
KJI: Yup. Every other person in the world is stupid.
Me: But isn’t it true that you love American movies?
KJI: Well, yes, but they all still stupid. I just like the movies your country makes.
Me: What’s your favorite movie?
KJI: He kills lots of those Vietnamese motherfuckers. I hate them!
Me: That’s not actually Rambo. The original Rambo takes place in a small town in Washington-
KJI: You shut up! You think I don’t know movies? I know that actually Rambo II where he kills Vietnamese, but it just easier to say Rambo.
Me: Why don’t you like the Vietnamese? Didn’t North Korea support Vietnam?
KJI: Yes but then those stinky assholes help North Korean traitors defect, so I hate them all now. They stupid.
Me: Why would people want to defect if you were such a good leader?
KJI: You shut up NOW or I kill you like my second favorite movie star, Jason Voorhees!
Me: Oh, you like the Friday the 13th movies too?
KJI: Yes, so much. Unkillable man with giant machete murdering stupid white people – perfect movie!
Me: Do you know what my favorite movie is?
KJI: I don’t care.
Me: I’ll tell you anyways. “Team America”, starring you as a feminine “ronery” puppet!
KJI: Oooh, you think you so damn funny, fat boy. I will come back from the dead like Jason and kill you!
Me: I’m not really worried about that. But I do have a horror story to tell you.
KJI: I don’t care. You stupid.
Me: In the next three years, your son, Kim Jong Un, who has already shown his inability to do anything correctly, is going to make misstep after misstep.
KJI: You shut up!
Me: I predict that in the year 2015 at the very latest, the North Koreans will revolt and overthrow his rule in a violent manner.
KJI: No, he has supreme Kim Jong power!
Me: None of that power will help as North Korea will crumble as a nation, until America steps in and helps them rehabilitate by forcing a union with South Korea.
Me: And then your only legacy is going to be your appearance in Team America as a puppet.
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