The 2011 Listgasm by Adam Heath Avitable

2011 Listgasm: The Top Ten Future Events of 2012 That Haven’t Happened Yet

The 2011 Listgasm by Adam Heath Avitable

For my final list of 2011, I thought I’d indulge in a little prognostication and whimsy. After all, I’ve written about movies, blog posts, Christmas gifts, and television shows, so what else is there to discuss?

2012 is going to be a promising year even if the world ends in December, like the Mayans have predicted. I think they have about as much accuracy as that preacher who said the world was ending in May, so I’m not too worried.

Here are the top ten events that I predict will occur in the next 12 months. Print this post out and keep it as reference that I am the next Nostradamus. NostrADAMus . . see?

  1. Viola Davis will win an Oscar for her role in The Help, but mainly because the voters couldn’t tell the difference between competing contenders Meryl Streep and Glenn Close.
  2. In order to attract a younger voter, the GOP will introduce a cartoon mascot, who will almost immediately dominate the polls ahead of all the Republican primary candidates.
  3. The WNBA will strike, but nobody will notice.
  4. Jason Lee will commit suicide after making Chipmunks 3: Brick Chiphouse, but not before he shoots his agent.
  5. “Fear Factor” will be yanked off the air after the contestants are challenged to consume human meat shipped in from North Korea, and a minor zombie outbreak occurs.
  6. Slap bracelets will make a comeback, but schools will ban them because the slapping could be considered sexual harassment.  Ironically, the punishment for bringing them to school will be a literal slap on the wrist.
  7. Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh will get into a vicious fight but nobody will care.
  8. “To Catch a Predator” star Chris Hansen will team up with “Toddlers & Tiaras” for the strangest television cross-over event in history.  It will be watched by more Americans than the Super Bowl.
  9. All people will be allowed to marry other consenting adults and, amazingly, nothing bad will happen in any way.  Straight couples will continue to “respect” the institution of marriage by cheating, getting divorced, and lying.
  10. Betty White will die on December 21, 2012, which will mean the end of the world for many people, even though the “funny because she’s a sweet old lady saying mean things” shtick got old about five years ago.

14 thoughts on “2011 Listgasm: The Top Ten Future Events of 2012 That Haven’t Happened Yet”

  1. Uhhh… Betty White is funny because she’s funny.

    And she ‘s ALWAYS been pretty raunchy. But some people who don’t know much about her career or the stuff she’s done, and only recognize her as “Rose” from “The Golden Girls,” assume it’s something new. I guess I can forgive your gross ignorance in thinking that her “saying mean things” is some new “shtick” she just recently created in her declining years to be funny, but I’ll never forgive you for giving her less than a year to live! What kind of sick bastard are you to want dead an old lady beloved by billions of people?

    Oh… never mind.

  2. I do feel a little guilty that my marriage has been the reason that 52% of all heterosexual marriages fail. I guess I wasn’t thinking about others when I signed our marriage license.
    I’m sorry.

  3. I’m starting to think we’re not going to see #9 happen in our lifetime. But that’s probably just a product of the crappy week I’ve had – I’m ready for a six pack and some launch codes.

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