Adam Avitable gets new sunglasses and squeals like a girl

Tools and Douchebags: Our Society is Doomed

My Friday night started off normal.  Normal for me, that is, which means I was walking around the mall with three girls and a baby, shopping for dresses that were suitable for Friday night downtown.  Well, shopping for the girls (Lanie, Samantha, and Shanise), not for me.  Because I would never buy my dresses at the mall. Actually, though, I did buy two new pairs of sunglasses at the Guess store which are fantastic.  I may have squealed in delight.

Adam Avitable gets new sunglasses and squeals like a girl The plan was to go back to Lanie and Samantha’s house, have a little pre-party as the girls got ready, which could take anywhere from ten minutes to four days, meet up with some guys that were friends of Shanise, and go downtown to the clubs.  Because, as you know, I’m totally into the clubs.  And by into, I mean that I stand at the bar or sit down if I can find a seat and watch everybody’s purses.

And that’s when the plan went to shit.  The arrival of the Douchebag Brigade, wearing something Ed Hardy/A&F/Hollister-ish, strutting like each of them had just been anally penetrated by a bowling pin, crashed the evening to such depths as I have never before witnessed. The Douchebag Brigade consisted of four boys, the names of whom I’ve changed to protect the idiotic.  There was Nate, the short muscled douchebag who couldn’t wait to go “grind on girls all night long”, Caleb, the tall muscled douchebag virgin who got so drunk in the first ten minutes that he had to be carried everywhere, Justin, the black quiet one who may not have been a douchebag except by association, and George, the Latino leader with tattoos of Asian characters who was “really into MMA”. Clouded in a maelstrom of Axe body spray, homoerotic tendencies, and constant utterances of the word “bro”, this douchebag brigade sprang right from Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, and Brody Jenner’s Bromance.

I didn’t know that people like this actually existed. I thought that the Douchebag Club Guy was like unicorns and gay Republicans – we’ve heard about them, but nobody’s ever seen one in real life.  Most of my night was spent in utter disbelief of the flesh-and-blood douchebags who stood (actually, posed) before me.  Here are some actual phrases I heard uttered on Friday night.

  • “She pushed a baby out of her vagina and you want to have sex with that? Dude.”
  • “I really want to grind on some girls tonight.”
  • “There’s nothing wrong with gay people, but I won’t want to be hit on by one.  That’s just creepy.”  To his douchebag friend:  “No bro, you look totally hot.”
  • “If I do fifty push-ups, will you . . .” indecipherable drunken mumbling, followed by douchebag following on the ground and doing push-ups.
  • “I don’t want to fuck anyone tonight, I just want to grind on girls!”  Presumably because he is actually in love with his douchebag brethren.
  • “There is a price that your soul pays, I think, for believing that because someone is poor, black, whatever that somehow they are unclean, untrustworthy or unable to take care of themselves.”  Oh wait, this is a quote about the movie “The Help”, from a post by the wonderful, intelligent Faiqa Khan, who is not a douchebag and who is celebrating a birthday today.

Everyone has a little douchebag in them, but it’s those who embrace it completely and foster it until it grows into this full-fledged giant douchebag personality that make me shudder.  Watching these young adult boys preen and strut with a carefully constructed artifice of confidence that could only be bolstered through aggression as they struggled through the palpable sexual feelings they had for the other members of their own douchebag tribe was a sobering experience that made me realize four important things.

  1. Girls can be idiots, but guys can out-stupid them anytime.
  2. I will never use “bro” in any context – not that I did with any frequency before, but I refuse to even use it ironically now for fear of debilitating flashbacks.
  3. On the list of personality stereotypes that I want to stab in the face with a dull spoon, from highest stabby feeling to lowest stabby feeling, Douchebag > Judgy Jesus freak > Goth > Gay Drama Queen > Emo McCutterson > Fried Pothead > ADD-addled Adolescent > Slutty “Just Pull Out” Girl > Prude Whore aka “The Tease”
  4. I’ll take being fat, sarcastic, and a geek over being ridiculously in shape, oblivious to the world, and a douchebag any day of the week.

Bro, like, dude.  Totally.

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36 Replies to “Tools and Douchebags: Our Society is Doomed”

  1. Faiqa

    Girls can be idiots, but guys can out-stupid them anytime.
    As usual, your contempt for other men gives off the “Methinks s(he) protests to much” vibe. So. Dude. As the present you SHOULD have gotten me… could you just come out of the closet already? It’s just irritating me now. You’re just mad because you don’t want to be a bear. But you’re a bear. Own it and be free like the butterfly you are, Princess Blue Toes.

  2. CP

    Apparently, you are unaware that Guess sunglasses are the premium choice of sunglasses for Douchebags everywhere, right? Tools, however, prefer Fossil brand.

    Incidentally, you have used the word “maelstrom” twice this weekend alone. Did you get one of those “Word A Day” calendars for Christmas? I’ve never used that word in my whole life…and now I have seen it twice in as many days.

    PS: Admittedly, the sunglasses, especially the bottom pair are cool…because despite their denial, every girl has a soft spot for a douchebag. Except the Jersey variety. They aren’t douchebags by choice. It’s something in the Jersey water. They can’t help it.

  3. The Honourable Husband

    “Girls can be idiots, but guys can out-stupid them anytime.”

    I think you’re being a little sexist, there. You’ve been clothes-shopping with girls, right? Or just mention the word “fat”—it makes some women insane in the same way “sex” makes some men into drooling oafs.

    Fair is fair.

  4. the muskrat

    Back when I was younger and actually hung out with, and went out with, girls at bars, etc., I pretty much always hated their guy friends. I used to think it was my insecurity or something, but now I realize it was because they were all douchebags and were unworthy of a few seconds of my time. Thanks for enlightening me to that.

  5. maman

    I live in a world full of teenaged douchebags due to the ages of my girls. Luckily, neither of them are prone to douchey charms. I am not looking forward to dealing with a series of tools in the future, but I can spot them at 1,000 paces due to the bluetooth headset that they wear constantly.

  6. Sybil Law

    Says the guy who paints his toenails, wears horrible sunglasses, Hawaiian shirts… wait – are you still wearing the hats?

    But really, they sound like my 41 year old friend’s boyfriend, AKA, Hot Dog Neck. He’s 30 – something. Like, almost 40.

    Bro Fucker.

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