Adam Avitable, age 17 in 1994

A letter to my 17-year old self

This isn’t the first time I’ve written a letter to my younger self,  but after seeing the letter written by my friend (and awesome comedienne) Lauren Brown, I decided to do another one.

Adam Avitable, age 17 in 1994

Dear 17-year old Avitable,

On Thursday, I’ll be turning 35 years old, so I shall surely be dead soon.  I wanted to take this chance to send you a letter preparing you for the future.

Right now, you think you’re the king of the world.  You rule high school as the emperor of the nerds, and you know how to work the system to give you the best possible benefit.  Well, that doesn’t last long.  Welcome to college.

College will be one of the lower points in your life.  Maybe choosing an uber-conservative college filled with the wealthy and privileged, 97% of whom go Greek, wasn’t the best choice.  On the plus side, you get rid of that unhealthy temper you had.  On the negative side, you gain the reputation as the “naked guy” thanks to your inability to shut your blinds EVER.

You won’t really be able to work the system in college until your junior year, and as a result, you’ll get the first bad grades of your life during your freshman year, not due to exams, but all the days you miss class because you found it unnecessary despite the professor’s attendance policy.  Don’t worry when Mom rides you about your bad grades, though – she had the exact same thing happen to her in nursing school, a fact she won’t share until after you graduate.  Also, SHE NEVER QUIT SMOKING.  In summary, Mom is a liar.

When you’re offered the chance to do a semester abroad in Japan, say yes.  Otherwise, you’ll always regret saying no and wondering what might have been, and you’ll only remember enough Japanese to be able to say that you only speak a little Japanese.

After college, you get fat.  Like, really fat.  It affects your confidence and makes you put up a lot of walls to keep people out, but things will get better.  You’ll lose weight and get healthier, even though you really need to lose another 60-70 pounds before you can start pursuing your lifelong dream of marrying Ke$ha.  Oh, that’s right, you don’t know who Ke$ha is yet – just keep your ears open. She’s magical.  Also, you remember that hot redhead from “The Wizard”?  She becomes a musician and part of a band called Rilo Kiley!  Don’t buy all her albums just because you have a crush on her, though – she only has one or two good songs.

You know how you think that having sex is a bad thing unless you’re with “the one”? It’s not true!  It’s important to go start having sex now so that you can experience it with different people.  Otherwise, after you get divorced, you might go through a bit of a trampage.

Oops. Yeah, you get married and divorced in the next 17 years.  Sorry – didn’t mean to ruin your anticipation of “til death do us part”.  Ain’t gonna happen.  More like “til 2009 do us part”.

Do you know that bitch Faiqa from Spruce Creek?  The one who kept you from dating that girl you were in love with?  Yeah, well, it’s funny how things work out because she’s pretty much your best friend now.  Still a bitch, though.  And her friend is still just as awesome and, get this, married a guy who is a lot like you.  Fuckin’ Faiqa.

Finally, get rid of all that ambition to be an international corporate lawyer.  First, there is no such thing. Secondly, after all this time, you’re going to find that your calling is humor –   writing it, of course, but also performing it on stage as a stand-up.  Maybe if you start now, you can be famous by 35, because I’ve only got four days and I don’t think I’m going to make it.  You are funny, though, so stick with it!

Good luck – you’re going to need it!

From my deathbed (I assume),

Old Adam

P.S.  No, you can’t masturbate too much, so don’t worry about it.

P.P.S.  Drive over to Orlando and find a 4-year old named Lauren Brown.  Make friends with her, because you’re totally going to ride her coattails to fame.

P.P.P.S.  Balls will always be funny.

P.P.P.P.S.  Still no fucking hoverboard.  “Back To The Future” lied to us.

31 thoughts on “A letter to my 17-year old self”

  1. OMG Adam…. I love this. Mainly, because I know 17-year-old you and I can still hear the fucking wretched voice of my mom telling me all of your accolades and how I have fallen very very short of living up to you.

    Between you and Chris Monsour, I never stood a chance. I slid out of over-achiever mode and into boozy derelict somewhere around junior year. I started bringing vodka to school in water bottles and engaging in a plethora of unsavory behaviors, resulting in a shitty SAT score, i think it was like a 1400 or something (calm down youngins, i’m talking about the old system)… and well, my mom disowned me. The shitty SATs + quitting the marching band made her pop her top.

    I digress.

    Anyways, I always refer to 17-yr-old-Rose – she was a hardass, with an amazing body and the bitchiest most entitled attitude ever. And she was terrified of so much. I hate her and I love her and I feel bad for her.

    It’s nice not to be 17. Congrats Mr. 35, I think you’re in a great place now, all things considered, and that 17 year old would be proud. He’d totally approve and he’s probably be in a little bit of awe. Seeing how you shook off the man and all.

      1. @Avitable, bahahahahaha. that’s amazing. you were the best care taker.

        i figured out the password when i was in middle school and i used to do that ALL the time.

        it’s gross to learn that your parents are freaks.

        during house parties in high school, i’d use my dad’s special system that had all the TVs in the house connected and i’d put the playboy channel on every TV during parties. it was obscene / amazing.

          1. @Avitable, that’s hilarious. and well, i applaud your efforts.

            that sat dish was amazing.

            when my mom went through her “i’m starting to get weird as fuck” phase, she watched a lot of cattle auctions that we’d pick up from local TV channels all in the heartland. i used to be totally well versed in the ins and outs of cattle auctions.

  2. In same paragraph you lauded Ke$ha and said that Jenny Lewis only has a couple of good songs. Perhaps you should instruct your 17-year-old self to broaden his musical horizons.

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