Dear 17-year old Avitable,
On Thursday, I’ll be turning 35 years old, so I shall surely be dead soon. I wanted to take this chance to send you a letter preparing you for the future.
Right now, you think you’re the king of the world. You rule high school as the emperor of the nerds, and you know how to work the system to give you the best possible benefit. Well, that doesn’t last long. Welcome to college.
College will be one of the lower points in your life. Maybe choosing an uber-conservative college filled with the wealthy and privileged, 97% of whom go Greek, wasn’t the best choice. On the plus side, you get rid of that unhealthy temper you had. On the negative side, you gain the reputation as the “naked guy” thanks to your inability to shut your blinds EVER.
You won’t really be able to work the system in college until your junior year, and as a result, you’ll get the first bad grades of your life during your freshman year, not due to exams, but all the days you miss class because you found it unnecessary despite the professor’s attendance policy. Don’t worry when Mom rides you about your bad grades, though – she had the exact same thing happen to her in nursing school, a fact she won’t share until after you graduate. Also, SHE NEVER QUIT SMOKING. In summary, Mom is a liar.
When you’re offered the chance to do a semester abroad in Japan, say yes. Otherwise, you’ll always regret saying no and wondering what might have been, and you’ll only remember enough Japanese to be able to say that you only speak a little Japanese.
After college, you get fat. Like, really fat. It affects your confidence and makes you put up a lot of walls to keep people out, but things will get better. You’ll lose weight and get healthier, even though you really need to lose another 60-70 pounds before you can start pursuing your lifelong dream of marrying Ke$ha. Oh, that’s right, you don’t know who Ke$ha is yet – just keep your ears open. She’s magical. Also, you remember that hot redhead from “The Wizard”? She becomes a musician and part of a band called Rilo Kiley! Don’t buy all her albums just because you have a crush on her, though – she only has one or two good songs.
You know how you think that having sex is a bad thing unless you’re with “the one”? It’s not true! It’s important to go start having sex now so that you can experience it with different people. Otherwise, after you get divorced, you might go through a bit of a trampage.
Oops. Yeah, you get married and divorced in the next 17 years. Sorry – didn’t mean to ruin your anticipation of “til death do us part”. Ain’t gonna happen. More like “til 2009 do us part”.
Do you know that bitch Faiqa from Spruce Creek? The one who kept you from dating that girl you were in love with? Yeah, well, it’s funny how things work out because she’s pretty much your best friend now. Still a bitch, though. And her friend is still just as awesome and, get this, married a guy who is a lot like you. Fuckin’ Faiqa.
Finally, get rid of all that ambition to be an international corporate lawyer. First, there is no such thing. Secondly, after all this time, you’re going to find that your calling is humor – writing it, of course, but also performing it on stage as a stand-up. Maybe if you start now, you can be famous by 35, because I’ve only got four days and I don’t think I’m going to make it. You are funny, though, so stick with it!
Good luck – you’re going to need it!
From my deathbed (I assume),
P.S. No, you can’t masturbate too much, so don’t worry about it.
P.P.S. Drive over to Orlando and find a 4-year old named Lauren Brown. Make friends with her, because you’re totally going to ride her coattails to fame.
P.P.P.S. Balls will always be funny.
P.P.P.P.S. Still no fucking hoverboard. “Back To The Future” lied to us.