On Thursday, I turn 35. (It’s not too late for you to buy me a present either.)
It’s not really a milestone, except that I will no longer be in that vaunted 18-34 age demographic. There’s nothing special you can do after you turn 25 – the rest of your birthdays are just an accumulation of time as you continue your inexorable march towards the grave.
All you can do as you age is try to keep learning and striving for perfection and happiness, which may be mutually exclusive. But you have to try lest you find yourself a stagnant lump entrenched in a time long past.
The beauty of our generation is that we have tools at our disposal to record our lives more substantively than any prior generation. My blog can stand as a testament to my mediocrity, my descent into madness, or even as a gauge for my emotional growth – however I decide to live my life and share it with the Internet.
For my future reflection and as a means to grasp onto some perspective, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the last 34 years that I’ve lived:
Posture is important, but so is not pulling up your shorts to your nipples.
There is always someone smarter, more attractive, funnier, or quicker, but there are a lot more people who are dumber, uglier, slower, and who think Dane Cook is funny. Hang around with those people instead.
Never be ashamed of who you are, even if you feel the need to distinguish yourself from the crowd by painting your toenails.
You cannot judge someone until you’ve been in the same place they have, and even then, judging takes a lot more effort than letting go.
Not all elderly black janitors are wise and honest. Some are crazy assholes.
Confidence is the difference between the Comic Book Guy and the Kingpin. Also, own your nerdiness.
Come early, come often, but make sure she comes more.
Edit. Your words, your life, your friends. Everything is improved with editing.
Even though it may feel like shorts, everybody knows you’re just wearing underwear.
Photo thanks to Jenny Grace (click me)
Drink your girly drinks proudly and stick your pinky finger out as far as you can.
Making life changes for someone else will lead to failure and resentment. Whether it’s losing weight, quitting smoking, pursuing a dream, or even just moving – it has to be for you.
Some people are meant to have beards and should never ever EVER shave.
It’s never too late to pursue your dreams, unless your dream is to have sex with Bea Arthur because sorry, dude, she’s dead.
Anyone who criticizes you constantly is not doing it out of love. They’re doing it out of self-hatred. Unless it’s your mom, then it’s totally out of love.
Even when you tell the truth, people may not believe you. That’s okay – you know that you’re telling the truth, and that’s what is important.
Shame is overrated. The only societies that still celebrate shame are backwards ones.
Be generous with your friends, but only with the friends who don’t ask for generosity. Otherwise, you risk being someone whom will be taken advantage of.
The Earth will outlive humanity so don’t waste your time recycling.
You are never too old to go to Chuck E. Cheese.
Enjoy this post? Try these:Life lessons learned from #BlogHer10.
The things I’ve learned from Hilly
Fuck My Life: A Dramatic Reading
Twitter: waitinthevan
says:
Happy Birthday! I think you look nice without the beard. (Heh.)
Reply
@Kristine, really? I look so weird, though!
Reply
I didn’t realize we were the same age. Happy early birthday to you, Adam.
Reply
@OHmommy, did you think I was much, much older? I just assumed you were in your mid-twenties.
Reply
Feet pictures are not okay.
Fucking young one here hasn’t learned that, yet.
Reply
@Sybil Law, loooook at the feeeet.
Reply
Twitter: poppycede
says:
“Even when you tell the truth, people may not believe you. That’s okay – you know that you’re telling the truth, and that’s what is important.”
I have a hard time with this, still. I really hate feeling like loved ones don’t believe me when I’m telling the truth. I have trouble with doubting myself on some things. But I’m A LOT better than 4 years ago.
Do you always follow this? Do you ever get really frustrated when someone doesn’t believe your truth?
Reply
@Poppy, I have gotten frustrated, yeah, but it’s still on the other person to give me that trust, if I haven’t done anything personally to disrupt or violate it.
Reply
Twitter: Blogography
says:
Happy Birthday to you sir!
Reply
@Dave2, too early – this totally doesn’t let you off the hook for tomorrow’s potential birthday wishes, you realize.
Reply
Twitter: themuskrat
says:
hope it’s a very happy one!
Reply
@the muskrat, it’ll be a mundane one.
Reply
Twitter: MrsLoulou
says:
35 is SO awesome. Trust me.
Respect your elders!
Reply
@Loukia, all you old people here!
Reply
Happy Birthday.
“Not all elderly black janitors are wise and honest. Some are crazy assholes.” Words to live by.
Reply
@the mama bird diaries, might save your life some day.
Reply
Twitter: iamkarinwithani
says:
Happy birthday! I’m starting to think Chuck E Cheese might be more fun if you go without kids. Hmmm….
Reply
@Karin, it is!
Reply
Twitter: 3princessmama
says:
Happy early birthday! Your present from me is next time we speak it can be for a whole 5 mintues. Your welcome.
Reply
@Mandi Bone, oooh, that is quite a gift!
Reply
Uh, dude. You forgot that most health organizations recommend beginning digital rectal exams for prostate cancer/BPH screenings at age 40. So you’ve got that milestone to look forward to!
Reply
@Superjules, that will be fun!
Reply
I love you, man. Thank you for everything and I hope you know how very grateful I am to know you. I’d say that you’re one in a million, but i don’t know that many people so I can’t say it truthfully.
wish i could come celebrate your oldness with you.
Fucker.
Reply
@Anna Tyrone, awww, I love when you get all sappy and shit. Wish you could come here, too, but somebody had to quit her job instead of earning money!
Reply
Twitter: msmegan
says:
Look at you, growing and all.
Reply
@Megan, pshaw.
Reply
Happy early Birthday (by a day at least).
The life lessons are well learned. Now if they would stop closing up these Chuck E Cheese locations, I could still make a visit to eat a cheese pizza and play 40 video games (tokens are king there)
Reply
@martymankins, they have the best skeeball too.
Reply
Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
what about elderly white janitors?
Reply
@hello haha narf, they turn out to be child molesters named Freddy Krueger.
Reply
Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
but seriously, i don’t agree with this:
“There is always someone smarter, more attractive, funnier, or quicker, but there are a lot more people who are dumber, uglier, slower, and who think Dane Cook is funny. Hang around with those people instead.”
i find that i am a better person when i hang around folks smarter, prettier, funnier, quicker, etc. kind of awesome how i am elevated by my friends. i mean, why would anyone want to be queen of the dipshits?
maybe it is just me. oun’t know.
Reply
@hello haha narf, it’s also humor, not serious.
Reply
Twitter: habanerogal
says:
It sucks when you get shifted to a different demographic celebrate with a good anal bleaching ! Happy Birthday hope your comedy set ROCKS !
Reply
@habanerogal, anal bleaching is always fantastic!
Reply
I had heard a rumor that Chuck E Cheese wouldn’t allow you in without a child. I guess that kills my dream of getting rich renting out my daughter for the young at heart’s entrance to CeCs. Damnit.
Happy Birthday! You now owe me at least the cost of my child’s college tuition. I figure we can call that fair since you quashed my scheme.
Reply
@Gamanda, I think that the rules have changed since I went 8 years ago. You have to have a kid to get in now. So your plan is still viable!
Reply
Twitter: tlkaply
says:
I think that the older I get, the more important it is to me to do things that make me happy, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Actually, that’s more the point: the older I get, the less attention I pay to other people’s opinions of me.
I’m so happy that I know you. Watching you the past couple of years has been amazing and instructive in the art of being happy.
Reply
@Kaply, aww, thanks. I’ve enjoyed watching you soften around your edges, too.
Reply
Happy birthday! At your young age, you are far ahead of me, as I have just learned this one:
“Anyone who criticizes you constantly is not doing it out of love. They’re doing it out of self-hatred. Unless it’s your mom, then it’s totally out of love.”
Reply
@Just Me, that took me some time too.
Reply
Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
How about I get you a sample pack of craft beers for your birthday specially chosen by me so that you can finally find one that you might actually enjoy? Beers flavored by bananas, spices, chocolate and the whatnot.
(ahem)
Reply
@B.E. Earl, I know, I know! They’re still in my fridge, just waiting for me to sit down and try them. I’m just afraid of wasting them, so I haven’t drank any of them yet. I feel so bad!
Reply
Twitter: VerdantDude
, January 25th, 2012: 5:01 PM
@Avitable,
No worries. Want me to re-send you the descriptions of what I sent you and how you should enjoy them?
Reply
@B.E. Earl, no, I have that starred in my email so I that I can follow along properly. I am going to make it a mission to do that some night soon.
Reply
My Dad is 70 and I have NEVER seen him without a beard. Also, your crazy asshole janitor comment is a gem. As is this post.
Happy Birthday. Dude I’m older than you. Weird.
Reply
Twitter: Zakary
says:
Happy (early) Birthday!
We are the same age for the next six months, don’t let me down.
Reply
have a happy birthday, dude!
Reply
you know, now that you are 35, you can run for a major political office !
Reply
Man, I really am awesome.
Oh, ehh Happy Birthday?
^___^
Reply
OHMYGAH!
Reply
Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
Happy birthday!!! xo
Reply
Twitter: talktaurus
says:
I know how you feel about that age bracket. It still kills me every time I have to check that box on something. Happy birthday though!
Reply
Awww…I remember that chuck e cheese party! good times…
Reply