I saw this over at Ain’t It Cool News, a movie news site I’ve been reading since 1995. I thought it was a really great concept, and decided to do it myself.
Why do I love movies?
Because Shirley, you can’t be serious.
Because of the schwartz.
Because this is for Matilda.
Because of the big badaboom.
Because we named the dog Indiana.
Because you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Because of the existentialism of Martin Blank.
Because I believe a man can fly.
Because you are my density.
Because girl scout cookies are made from real girl scouts.
Because I’m not even supposed to be here today!
Because of Stuntman Mike.
Because ack! Ack! Ack Ack!
Because Mohammed is the most commonly used name on Earth.
Because of Bart Simpson’s yellow penis.
Because “Yippi ki yay, motherfucker.”
Because of the hamburger phone.
Because of Andy and Woody.
Because Zed’s dead.
Because of scissorhands.
Because of M and Q.
Because men and women can’t be friends.
Because of Jack’s smirking revenge.
Because I see dead people.
Because of the pop quiz, hotshot.
Because it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty.
Because Wopner is on.
Because, nice beaver.
Because sometimes the frank and beans get caught.
Because you never cross the streams.
Because of Sidney Prescott.
Because of “Chopsticks” on a giant piano.
Because nobody puts Baby in the corner.
Because of Mallory Knox.
Because of TPS reports.
Because you should come with me if you want to live.
Because danger is my middle name.
Because of zombie Bill Murray.
Because I want my Nazi scalps.
Because of the Kobayashi Maru.
Because Caesar says “No!”
Because it’s time to light the lights.
Because you’re a freak like me.
Because I’m a dude playing a dude, disguised as another dude.
Because the rug really tied the room together.
Because it’s Frahnkenshteen.
Because I am a leaf in the wind.
Because three, four, better lock your door.
Because Finkle is Einhorn.
Because we can make bunk beds and have room to do activities.
Because they called me Mr. Glass.
Because of boat drinks.
Because the world will end in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and 12 seconds.
Because if you spend $3,000, that would get you a million frequent flier miles and you would never have to pay for a ticket the rest of your life.
Because I flew across the room and you got fucked in the eye.
Because you’ve got red on you.
Because a doughnut without a hole is a Danish.
Because you should put it on the Underhills’ bill.
Because of Cousin Eddie.
Because of Dracula: The Musical.
Because of flux capacitor and repulsor technology.
Because you won’t like me when I’m angry.
Because you’re a daywalker.
Because how can you possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this?
Because you shook Sinatra’s hand. You should know better.
Because the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Because I’m the ghost with the most.
Because he put the painting back while she watched.
Because of what’s in the box.
Because I’m Kick-Ass.
Because Andy didn’t fight the good fight.
Because there is no try.
Because life is like a box of chocolates.
Because of Mr. Pink.
Because of a plethora of pinatas.
Because I’m putting this whole town in my rear view.
Because of Hattori Hanzo.
Because I promised to kill you last, Sully.
Because I’ve got you, babe.
Because of Hans Zimmer, John Williams, Danny Elfman, and Trent Reznor.
Because of the fifth of November.
Because how do you like them apples?
Because of true blave.
Because of Adrian!
Because we’re following the yellow brick road.
Because we’re going to need a bigger boat.
Because of the fourth prime directive.
Because Quaid’s life is just a dream.
Because if your clients want to sit on my shoulders and call themselves tall, they have the right to give it a try, but there’s no requirement that I enjoy sitting here listening to people lie. You have part of my attention. You have the minimum amount. The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Facebook, where my colleagues and I are doing things that no one in this room, including and especially your clients, are intellectually or creatively capable of doing.
Why do you love movies?
(Oh, and for those of you who want to know which movies I’m referencing. In order, here they are:
Airplane!, Spaceballs, Leon (The Professional), The Fifth Element, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Happy Gilmore, Grosse Pointe Blank, Superman, Back to the Future, The Addams Family, Clerks, Death Proof, Mars Attacks!, Superbad, The Simpsons, Die Hard, Juno, Toy Story, Pulp Fiction, Edward Scissorhands, the James Bond films, When Harry Met Sally, Fight Club, The Sixth Sense, Speed, Clueless, Rain Man, Naked Gun, There’s Something About Mary, Ghostbusters, Scream, Big, Dirty Dancing, Natural Born Killers, Office Space, Terminator, Austin Powers, Zombieland, Inglourious Basterds, Star Trek, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, The Muppets, The Dark Knight, Tropic Thunder, The Big Lebowski, Young Frankenstein, Serenity, Nightmare on Elm Street, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Stepbrothers, Unbreakable, Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead, Donnie Darko, Punch Drunk Love, The Sweetest Thing, Shaun of the Dead, Caddyshack, Fletch, Vacation, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Back to the Future, Iron Man, The Hulk, Blade, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Ocean’s Thirteen, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Beetlejuice, The Thomas Crown Affair, Se7en, Kick-Ass, Shawshank Redemption, Star Wars, Forrest Gump, Reservoir Dogs, The Three Amigos, The Town, Kill Bill, Commando, Groundhog Day, numerous films (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Star Wars, Superman, Indiana Jones, Edward Scissorhands, PeeWee’s Big Adventure, Men In Black, The Social Network), V for Vendetta, Good Will Hunting, The Princess Bride, Rocky, The Wizard of Oz, Jaws, Robocop, Total Recall, The Social Network.