Expert Adam Avitable is experty

My expert guide on phone sex and talking dirty

After reading this outstanding post about girls who are uncomfortable with dirty talk, I thought it was a highly appropriate topic for my next expert guide.  My past guides have included expert instruction on how to get hired for any jobhow to write well and how to be funny.

Expert Adam Avitable is experty

Expert Adam Avitable is experty

How to get comfortable with dirty talk

In the past, I was also very uncomfortable with the concept of talking dirty, but I’ve since realized that good dirty talk is in the ear of the beholder, and can take many different forms.  The most important rule of talking dirty is to find what works for you and your dirty talk partner.  Since it can just end up being guttural and repetitive when used in the bedroom environment, I’m going to focus on the different types of dirty talk that you can choose when having phone sex with your partner:

Traditional dirty talk:

The normal method of talking dirty focuses on the heavy use of adjectives and obscene language to paint a visceral picture.  Use adjectives like “wet”, “hard”, “tight”, “thick”, and “hot”, nouns like “cock”, “pussy”, “throat”, and “come**”, and verbs like “fuck”, “suck”, “stroke”, “thrust”, and “choke”.

DO:  “As my teeth are gently biting your neck, I slide my rock hard cock into your tight wet pussy, filling you up until you moan, and then I will fuck you, starting off slowly and getting harder and faster until we both come.”

DON’T: “I want to fuck you in the pussy with my dick a lot until I have a stroke!”

Clinical talk:

Profanity and overly descriptive adjectives are eschewed in favor of more clinically appropriate, albeit exaggerated, descriptions of what could be happening.

DO:  “As you vigorously perform fellatio on my tumescent penis, I manually stimulate your clitoris until it has achieved a highly sensitive state of arousal.  Any oral indications that you have achieved orgasm are audibly reduced from your action of consuming the entirety of my ejaculate.”

DON’T:  “I use my fingers to massage your breast tissue, probing for malignancies of any type while you use your saliva to provide additional lubrication to my penis before placing the entire member within your mouth, blindly ignorant of the massive amounts of bacteria present from urination and lack of genital hygiene.”

Polite talk:

Polite dirty talk, also known as Victorian dirty talk, uses flowery language and avoids profanity while still painting an erotic pictures of the coital adventures that will be occurring.  Use of metaphor and simile is expected, though you should wait until you are truly comfortable with this approach before trying such advanced techniques.

DO:  “I am currently very eager to experience the sensation of my priapic key being inserted into your properly prepared and lubricated lock with vigor, fortitude and haste until your lady bits have reached a certain humidity level and your vocal machinations encourage me to withdraw and spill my seed upon your comely bosom.”

DON’T:  “I shall beat my stump against your porthole as if ’twere a pig being called to its supper, whilst your gyrations bring the Lord our God to our door in the form of concerned townsfolk, afraid that I have brought great harm to your pink doorway, rending it in twain with my stately staff.”

Vague talk:

This is not a type of dirty talk I recommend, as the only real benefit to talking dirty is to create an image of such vividness that it increases the sexual excitement and results in a quicker orgasm.  However, if one is predisposed to premature ejaculation, it may be a good idea to try talking very vaguely instead.

DO:  “You walk into some room and it’s dark.  I come up behind you and grab you on your body, and throw you to the bed.  Before you can roll over, I am on top of you, touching you and kissing you all over, until we are both naked.  We kiss and fuck and sweat and touch until we both come.”

DON’T:  “You walk into some room and it’s dark.  I come up and touch you somewhere and then we do some stuff and then you get all ‘you know’ and I’m like, ready to come, and then I do.”

Realistic dirty talk

The point of dirty talk is to evoke a fantasy.  It’s not about real life, and it’s not about what actually happens in the bedroom.  However, there are times when one may want to limit the expectations of the opposite sex.  In that case, realistic dirty talk is the most appropriate method.

DO:  “I fuck you from behind, pulling your hair and keeping your neck taut until you feel me come inside you.  You’re getting closer and closer to coming, so I pull out and go down on you, fucking you with my tongue as you massage your clit in the way that you know best.  Finally, we get out your favorite toy and you touch yourself until you come as I kiss you up and down your body.”

DON’T:  “After we’re naked, I put a condom on, and then it takes me a while to get hard again.  After finally getting my cock inside you, I fuck you missionary style for like two minutes until I come, and then I fall asleep immediately.”


Whether you’re a prude, a whore, or somewhere in between, you just need to find the style of dirty talk that works for you.  Only by trying each method until you hit upon the combination that gives you the best result can you really, truly be sexually satisfied.  For further instructions or lessons, I am available by phone at $9.99/minute by dialing 1-977-AVI-FUCK.

**I refuse to use “cum”, the slang spelling of “come”, for a variety of reasons, paramount of which is the fact that there is no proper past tense.  Is it “cummed”?  No, it’s “came”, and so I will use “come” proudly.

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