I’m not considered the most sympathetic person in the world. I’m narcissistic, egotistical, sarcastic, and otherwise a pretty selfish guy. I’ve always prided myself, though, on being brutally honest, and in the last couple of years, I have taken that to a new level, blogging with a transparency that I’d never done before. It’s been refreshing, freeing and, apparently, inspiring and motivational. I say “apparently” because I didn’t realize how inspiring and motivational I was until I got this email from a man who simply called himself “Dan Pearce, that blogger who showed up out of nowhere with a million manufactured visits from China and India and who writes with the sincerity of a bad Lifetime movie.” And this response was so powerful, I couldn’t not share it with you all.
Hello Mr. Avitable,
My name is Dan Pearce and you may not know who I am, since you’re not a parent blogger and you don’t have the traffic nor influence to benefit me in any way. I’m not the type to talk about myself (okay, I totally am), but I get thousands of visits and likes on Facebook anytime I write anything, and tens of them are from genuine readers who are real people.
Occasionally, my US-based traffic drops below a thousand visits a month, and by occasionally, I mean monthly, so I decide that I need to motivate people. I do in-depth keyword analysis to find terms and phrases that result in high Google traffic, and then I create a superficial motivational message to surround the SEO framework. My inspiration comes from a variety of sources, like Oprah, high school creative writing papers, and from reading bloggers who tell genuine stories that actually come from the heart.
Back in November, I wrote a post that set the Internet on fire called “I’m Christian, Unless You’re Gay”. It was a completely fabricated post that had a wholesome message about tolerance. And I’m aware that my experience with people who are gay is limited to that special episode of “Full House”, and I know that the fictional characters in my blog posts all talk, use colloquialisms, and sound like they were written by remedial high school students writing a PSA for the school’s TV channel, but isn’t it the message that counts? People were moved to tears by my story of my fake friend who was gay. Every time he told someone he was gay, they unfriended him on Facebook and stopped talking to him. Every single time! That happens!
Anyway, it’s been five months and people have finally stopped congratulating me for being a tolerable Christian and for not hating my fake gay friend. I’m glad they stopped, too, because I’m not a hero. Well, I am, but I’m just trying to set an example for the rest of the world. After the hooplah died down, I had a talk with God about how He could help me get more traffic and boy, did He give me an earful. I realized that it wasn’t enough to demonstrate how to be a tolerant hero. I needed to motivate and inspire people to change, as well.
That night, I laid in bed watching “The Return of the Jedi” and thinking. I needed to write something that would spark and encourage poignant discussion, but more importantly, more traffic to my site. What I needed was a villain. Who is redeemed at the end. And lightsabers!
I decided to craft a treacly-worded letter that was sent “anonymously” to me by a conservative homophobic mother whose son was asked to write about my fake gay friend in school. Over the course of the letter, she would find out that her son was gay, and it would affect her to such a degree that she would change her entire perspective on homosexuality and acceptance, and even her small town of Endor would be changed as a result. It would be inspirational. It would be amazing. It would be heartbreaking. It would be . . . shared on Facebook.
The post got the response I had carefully calculated it would. But then something happened. One of my detractors – someone who treats me much like the Jews treated Jesus – mentioned a post by a gay dad blogger, who had just come out to his daughter and wrote about it. I read the post and was floored. My vision dimmed and the world appeared in front of me as if diminishing down a blackened tunnel. This is how people really act and speak? This is what genuine emotion and substance is like?
I shared this post with countless people. I made my publicist read it. I made the 100 Chinese laborers who I pay to click on links and like posts read it. I made my fake gay friend read it. And finally, I saw the light. It’s not about the message. It’s about genuine human stories. It’s about the fact that my cliched statements and trite storytelling techniques actually detract from the people who are actually going through these issues.
Mr. Avitable, I don’t know what to do. For the first time in my life, I’m unmotivated to write fake stories as if they’re real and appeal to the heartstrings of morons and gullible fools for traffic and income. I’m at a loss. The only solution, as I can see it, is for you to write a fake letter from me that points out all of the reasons that I’m a colossal hack and an utterly useless and worthless blogger. Please. For me. For my fake gay friend. For all of my fake stories.
Sincerely yours, Dan Pearce
Whew.
I don’t know if this was a prank fake letter I received or a real one. I don’t know if Dan Pearce has the self-awareness to understand how obnoxious and terrible he really and truly is. I just know that if one person can make a difference, it should be someone genuine, with real problems and real issues, who writes transparently and honestly, like in this post. These are the posts to be celebrated and shared and enjoyed. Not another word of the shit that passes for content on Single Dad Laughing.
For more details, I’d also suggest checking out my friend Beta Dad’s post about Dan Pearce.
You are amazing, Mr. Avitable. I’m sobbing poignant tears of emotion.
@Beta Dad, they better be extremely poignant tears!
@Avitable, You changed one heart so you have changed the world now, and made gay marriage legal in all states plus now the President has to be gay. That’s how powerful you, as a blogger, are.
@Avitable, They are so poignant, they bring dead puppies back to life.
Twitter: Agentninety9
says:
And THIS is the best thing I’ve read since I read the worst thing I’ve read, which just so happens to be some blog drivel written by Dan Pearce.
@Karen, surprise, surprise!
Isn’t this about twelve days late?
@Ed, no. I wrote this after Didactic Pirate’s post showed what genuine writing is like, and he published that two days ago. Besides, who the fuck is counting?
@Avitable, gee-fucking-thanks. I had gone all day without getting weepy, then you send me over to Didactic Pirate for some real writing. (You didn’t think I wouldn’t look, did you?) Seriously, mad props to that guy. And his daughter.
I think I started to read “I’m Christian, Unless your Gay” at one point and sort of got bored in the middle of reading it, and went on my merry way. I’m not a fan of Lifetime movies either.
Now the post about the dad who came out to his daughter was awesome, and I read that all the way through. No need to fake it when there are so many real stories out in the world.
@Lynda, exactly!
Twitter: maresib
says:
Well done, you.
Hey, not to take away from the greatness that was that post, but I have to know – how did the chaps & nipple tassels go over with your students the other day?
@Maresi, splendidly, thanks for asking!
Twitter: thedgoddess
says:
Best thing I’ve read all day.
You rawk.
@The Domestic Goddess, thanks!
Twitter: BloggerFather
says:
This post just saved my life. It also made me pregnant.
@BloggerFather, I tell people time and time again to use protection when reading my blog, because of its potent poignancy, but nobody ever listens.
Twitter: Mr_shiny
says:
Clever. And diabolical, Mr. Avitable. Or should I call you — Mr. Pearce?
You see, I know your little ruse. I’ve been following this from day one. Knowing that your persona as “Adam Avitable,” the witty, dry, sarcastic blogger wasn’t fulfilling your own needs for fulfillment as a family man, you carefully plotted, several years ago, to devise an alternate persona — a family man named “Dan Pearce.” You could be more wholesome and vent your more sensitive, family friendly side. In order to gain credibility, you inflated your stats and found a niche in the parenting community. You cleverly became a “sleeper cell” amongst the parenting blogs, knowing that you would have a great, honkin’ big readership once you decided to detonate a powerful message of some sort.
And that you did — by creating this “I’m Christian Unless You’re Gay” controversy. First with a fabricated post, and then with a fabricated post about a fabricated email from a fabricated mom whose fabricated gay son came home with a fabricated assignment about the original fabricated post.” People clicked. And read. And drove up even more traffic to the site of your alt-identity.
And like clockwork, some of the other parenting bloggers — like BetaDad — started getting suspicious — which was precisely part of your plan. This manufactured skepticism helped even more traffic to come towards “Dan Pearce’s” blog, where you would reap the benefits.
And finally? This post. In which you created a fabricated email about your very own fabricated post, treating it as yet another fabricated post. Which, of course, heightens the drama and drives more traffic both here and to your Pearce blog.
I can only assume that you’ve crafted this to escalate a war between both of your blogs, allowing many readers and authors to choose sides and make these two sites see unprecedented pageviews and clickthroughs. By the time you’ve finished with this diabolical plan, Facebook will want to acquire BOTH avitable.com and danoah.com for a large sum. And by a large sum, I mean a sum that’s cooler than a million dollars. Do you know what’s cool? A billion dollars.
Well played, sir. Very well played.
@Shiny, if I could “like” a comment, I would like this one, then fuck it, then marry it, and then raise its children.
@Shiny, Oh. My. God. You totally took the words right out of my mouth! Or is it brain since we’ve never spoken? Either way you said in a far better way than I could have exactly what I was thinking. Does that make you the Pirate and me the Single Dad Laughing?
@Shiny, You mean I’ve been a pawn in this convoluted scheme all along? DAMN YOU AVITABLE!!!!!!
Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
@Shiny, I had to read this comment three times and use a high-liter. YOU ARE SO SMRT.
Twitter: Blogography
says:
My goal is to do one of three things every time I venture over to Avitable.com. A) Laugh my face off. B) Think till my brain hurts. C) Get a sucker-punch in the gut with some of whatever you’re dishing out. This entry was the entire ABC’s of Avitable, and I did ALL THREE!
If only there was a photo of you softly weeping at your computer as you typed this entry… a box of Kleenex set askew on your desk… photos of all the hos you’ve saved hanging on the wall behind you… a baby kitten you rescued on your lap… if only. Then I could have cried. I could have related to you on a personal level and felt the suffering that you must endure to bring these stories to us. But without such a photo… even a photo staged a week later… I just couldn’t take that leap.
Obviously, you have a thing or two to learn from Dan Pearce.
Twitter: Mr_shiny
says:
@Dave2, I think that box of Kleenex on his desk has little to do with his weeping — unless by “weeping” you mean something else south of the border…
Twitter: themuskrat
says:
*sobbing*
By the way, did you see that the Didactic Pirate post from DadCentric got picked up by Huffington Post? Front page of the Parents section! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-didactic-pirate/coming-out-to-daughter_b_1421073.html?ref=parents
Dude, you rock so fucking hard. That is all.
Twitter: NoStylePoints
says:
The one time I followed a link to his site I saw that one of the post tags was “power post.” Who the fuck does that?
Gigglesnort. Well done, lad.
Dammit to hell! Adam, when are you going to get a “like” option with this here commenting schtuff? I can’t exactly “reply” to all the badass comments with, “What you said!” or “Exactly!” or “Lulz” since that would just be…odd. So, I’ll just say you kicked ass in such a way that I am sobbing emotive tears of life changing happy emotions over here. A lot. Or something. heh
Twitter: crazyadventures
says:
@Amy @ Taste Like Crazy, I second this.
Twitter: _kateCouture
says:
I couldn’t love you harder if I tried right now.
Still one of my most favourite people on the internet. Forever and ever.
Man, I miss all the crazy shit. I’ve never even heard of this Single Laughing Dad/ Dan Pearce. Looks like I wasn’t missing much.
Well done, Fucker.
Twitter: whithonea
says:
The new, softer you is amazing.
Twitter: rachael1013
says:
I feel like an asshole because I spent several minutes slightly confused here before I “got” this post. Ugh. I am losing my smarts. This is great though, and funny. I couldn’t even get through “I’m Christian, Unless You’re Gay.” It’s just so freaking long and boring. Thank you for pointing me to Dadcentric though, what an awesome post and a brave story to share with the world. I love finding new guyblogs to read.
Huh. See, it just goes to show you how freaking naive I am that I FORGET that people make shit up on the internet. I do! I forget. And that a person would actually do this as a way to get hits is just… well. It’s like any other criminal: if you’re THAT INTELLIGENT to come up with made up shit, why don’t you write REAL STUFF?!? Do the real work?
I must say that calling you “Mr. Avitable” made me giggle and pee my pants a tiny bit. Don’t feel TOO honored, though: I have had 3 kids.
Twitter: twinmomoftwinz
says:
I’m very tired today so while I thouroughly enjoyed this post all I got today in terms of a comment is that you’re one funny dude. But then you already know that.
Cool people, people I respect, are posting DP’s 16 rules on their FB page. I knew I couldn’t be the only one cringing at his self-serving shmaltz. I searched, I found you, and I was healed.
So it’d be like a faux pas to accuse someone of taking it to the next level and pretending to come out as gay…er, bi in order to get more hits/book deals/Ellen Show invitations right? Too bad…