Dick Clark, television producer and well-known host of shows such as “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve”, “Pyramid” and “American Bandstand”, died Wednesday at the age of 82. I sat down with the eponymous host for a posthumous interview:
Me: Mr. Clark, thank you for taking the time to speak with me.
DC: It’s my pleasure, young man.
Me: It seems like you’ve been a presence on my television since I can remember, and I was sad to hear of your passing.
DC: Oh, I won’t be gone long. This Dick will rise again.
Me: Did you just-?
DC: This Dick took a stroke and kept on rockin’ hard. Nothing can keep the best-known Dick in Hollywood from standing tall and throbbing with pride.
Me: Uhh- is the category “Things I Never Thought I’d Hear Dick Clark Say”?
DC: You got moxie, kid. This is one Dick who wants you to succeed. This Dick wants you to feel his presence behind you as you move up in the world, pressing against you and pushing you to do better and better.
Me: My head hurts.
DC: Try some of my new pain reliever – Dick’s Rubbing Cream for Good Head.
Me: No, I’ll be okay.
DC: Okay, your loss. This Dick likes to rub his head with this cream at least four or five times a day until it makes him ejaculate loudly with pleasure.
Me: Really? Who says that? And why do you keep referring to yourself in the third person?
DC: This Dick is only one out of many Dicks all struggling to expose themselves to the light and thrust themselves into the public eye
Me: Wait – you’re saying that there are multiple Dick Clarks out there?
DC: Yes. We are legion and my fellow Dicks are underground, safely enclosed inside a giant plastic sack, waiting for the moment to penetrate the world forcefully.
Me: So, you’re saying that there is a giant bag of Dicks out there just waiting to fuck us all?
DC: Yes. Let the countdown begin!
Me: Now? The Dicks are coming out now?
DC: 10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . .
Me: Is there any protection against the Dicks?
DC: 7 . . . 6 . . . 5 . . .
Me: Are they scared of being slapped? Should I slap a Dick? Whack it? Submit to the Dick?
DC: 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . .
Me: Is Ryan Seacrest a Dick?
DC: No, he’s an Asshole.
DC: . . . 1 . . . FOR NOW, DICKS SO LONG . . . /salutes
Me: Well, shit.
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