I pride myself on being the type of friend who always remembers the birthdays of my friends and family. When I was younger, I kept everyone’s birthday written in a little black book and would call everyone to wish them a happy birthday. As I got older, I had a Palm Pilot, and then used Outlook Calendar. It was (and is) important to me to show my friends that I care about them enough to remember their birthdays.
Thanks to Facebook, all of the effort that would normally go into being a good friend and remembering birthdays is gone. Every single day of the year, I have notifications of the birthdays of my friends and of the random people who I’ve added on Facebook, and everyone’s wall is littered with generic birthday greetings that show absolutely zero effort, zero sentiment, and, as a result, mean absolutely nothing.
Over the last two years, I’ve developed a series of Facebook birthday wishes that will stand out, make someone laugh, and show that your friend means more to you than a boring stupid “Happy birthday!” Recently, I saw that someone had stolen one of the greetings I came up with and used it as his own, so I decided that maybe I should share them with the world to help each of you become proficient in wishing your Facebook friends happy birthday without being trite or without blending into the crowd.
Below you will find the top seven birthday wishes that you could possibly wish any friend or family member. These are birthday wishes that can be posted to your friends’ Facebook walls, emailed to them, or printed out and handed to them in an archaic style that we used to call “birthday cards” back in my day. In order to make it easier for you to be an awesome, bad-ass Facebook friend, I made graphics for each birthday wish that you can just link to on their wall. It still doesn’t require much effort, but at least you’re not a loser anymore!
Message: Here’s to a fantastic birthday! May it be filled with family, friends, booze, and lots of awesome boners.
Perfect for: Single friends, newly married friends, young relatives. Male or female – everyone can enjoy awesome boners.
Link for Facebook: http://bit.ly/JhOYgG
Message: Good luck with celebrating your inexorable march towards your inevitable grave. Have some more cake.
Perfect for: Grandma or grandpa, fat friends, anybody in a coma, small children.
Link for Facebook: http://bit.ly/JhPkDX
Message: Happy something something . . . ooh, shiny!
Perfect for: Dogs, anyone under the age of 25, Tea Party Republicans
Link for Facebook: http://bit.ly/JhPxqD
Message: Congratulations to you for celebrating today, the anniversary of the day that you emerged from your mother’s vagina.
Perfect for: Siblings, your spouse, acquaintances, anyone who wasn’t born by Caesarean.
Link for Facebook: http://bit.ly/JhPFXk
Message: How do you say “Happy Birthday” in I don’t give a shit?
Perfect for: Foreign pen pals, cousins three times removed, mom and dad, your priest or rabbi
Link for Facebook: http://bit.ly/JhQ2Rq
Message: Here’s to a birthday filled with fun and happiness and free from interruptions by a sneak attack from a rival clan of ninja assassins.
Perfect for: Ninjas. Duh.
Link for Facebook: http://bit.ly/JhQoI3
Message: Leave me a piece of cake or you will never see your child again.
Perfect for: People with children, people with pets, aunts and uncles, the gays.
Link for Facebook: http://bit.ly/JhQyPo
And there you have it! With these Facebook birthday graphics, you too can stand out from the crowd of lazy, ineffectual friends who have the creativity of a writer from Two And A Half Men. Go off, spread birthday cheer, and be awesome!
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