Clonazepam Bottle (Klonopin) for Adam Avitable

My expert guide to getting rid of anxiety and preventing panic attacks

I’ve talked briefly about the fact that during my divorce, I began to suffer from the occasional panic attack.  At the time, it came from a feeling of being burdened by responsibility when I was in no position to be responsible for much at all.  It was hard enough to run my business and wake up every morning – anything else was impossible.

Two years later, I still get affected by the occasional anxiety attack.  Usually it’s very minor, but sometimes it’s a full-blown onslaught of anxiety that has me deep breathing in the fetal position under my desk.  Some of my triggers are a loss of control, a feeling of helplessness, or even a furiously overworking mind developing hypothetical scenario after scenario that lead to me being unhappy and miserable.  Over time, I’ve learned to control these attacks completely, and I thought I would share my tactics with you.

Clonazepam Bottle (Klonopin) for Adam Avitable

Not all of these will work for everyone and many of them won’t work for you, but if you are suffering from a panic attack, I’d suggest pulling up this post and trying each activity on the list until you feel better.  Trust me, I’m a doctor*.

  • Take an anti-anxiety drug.  I take Klonopin, and I find it works well because it makes me fall asleep almost immediately, especially if I take it rectally.  Just as long as I remove it from the bottle first.
  • Punch a nun.  The relaxation that is involved with doing something really terrible to a nice lady who loves Jesus cannot be found in any other way.
  • Breathe deeply.  This is especially effective if you’re inhaling from a bong or hookah, or if you happen to be underwater.
  • Distract yourself.  Pick any random Youtube video and read the comments. The sense of despair that will be derived from your resulting lack of faith in humanity will help shift that anxiety to something more suicidal, which, while not an improvement, is at least different.
  • Rationalize your anxiety away.  I find that telling myself, “Adam, you’re being stupid. You can’t control it and all you’re doing is making it worse. Relax and look at this logically” helps immensely in reducing anxiety, especially if I simultaneously slam my head into the wall repeatedly until I achieve unconsciousness.
  • Punch a ninja. Ninja cannot be found, so the effort you put into finding one to punch will take all of your energy and concentration, and you’ll be anxiety-free in no time. Unless your panic attack was triggered by the fear of not finding a ninja, in which case, don’t do this.
  • Invent a time machine, go back in time, and slap yourself in the face before you start to get anxious. This works every time.
  • Embrace the anxiety. Why not just treat it like a mondo gnarly wave that you’re about to ride, brosef? (I assume that’s how the lingo works, having never surfed anything in my entire life.) Make it a game – see how many times you have trouble catching your breath and how many times the room darkens, and give yourself a prize if you beat the score from the last panic attack! Personally, I prefer to get in my car when my anxiety is building and drive really fast at night with the lights off, then just let it rip.
  • Eat bacon.  This doesn’t really help with anxiety. I just think everybody needs to eat more bacon.
  • Realize that you’re not in control of anything.  Anxiety can be escalated by the thought that something is going to happen or is happening that you cannot control. By realizing that any control is an illusion, that you actually have no control over anything, and that a meteor could crash from space right on your head and kill you right now and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, you-ohhhhh boy. We’re all doomed. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I can’t breathe. Never mind. Forget this one.
  • Go for a walk.  By exercising and increasing your blood flow, your body will do something something that will make you feel happier and better by something something – I don’t know, I’m not your health teacher. I assume it’s just magic.
  • Write a post that gives fake advice about preventing panic attacks. Or, a really bad poem about it might work, too. But not haiku. Never haiku.

Good luck with your anxiety, and remember that it will be okay.  Life will be fine and you will be okay, even if you don’t get that job and your dog doesn’t come home and your mom is still mad at you and nobody will love you and you’ll die soon and the world could end at any moment and we’re going to run out of fossil fuels and you’ll always be alone and africanized bees might kill you and you might get bird flu and they might stop making Coke Zero and everybody is looking at you and you shouldn’t have cut your hair that short and you had a booger in your nose all day and you forgot to take your birth control and that’s a gray hair and it’s thundering outside and nobody will remember you when you die and did you just rip your pants and you just sent that private email to everyone by accident and you might screw up at that presentation tomorrow and you will have to live in your car if you can’t pay your bills and it happens to everyone and that car almost hit you on the interstate and life is bleak and there’s no point to anything and it’s all too hard and all of your friends are probably talking about you behind your back and oh God I need to go lay down under my desk.

Need more expert advice from Avitable?

*of jurisprudence

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21 Replies to “My expert guide to getting rid of anxiety and preventing panic attacks”

  1. Nichole

    This would have been more helpful if you’d posted it Sunday morning, before I had my panic attack. I will print it anyway and tape it to the back of my closet, for the next time. (Trying to find something to wear often gives me a panic attack. Dumb, huh?)

  2. mamikaze

    Bacon is great for all ailments. I gave in and was evaluated by a psychiatrist last year. Now I’m on a better med regimen and not ashamed to take Xanax by the fistful on bad days. I crochet and listen to podcasts for distraction. I have been crocheting a lot this year.

  3. Megan

    I had a roommate who had panic attacks, back before anyone knew what panic attacks were. I used to talk her through them. That seemed to get them to stop faster than they would have otherwise.

  4. Clarence

    You know, Mr. A., less the nun-punching and the manner of taking your Klonopin (Clonazepam), so much of what you wrote speaks to my life and my experience with my favorite benzodiazepam.

    I, too, am a huge fan of “K” (for Klonopin, of course). I’ve been taking said miracle drug for about 3 or 4 years now and it does the same for me as you say it does for you: it helps to hasten the time I find myself lying in the arms of Morpheus.

    As for the way you have found to most effectively and quickly feel the effects of K, to each his/her own, of course, but–as for me–the quickest way I have found is to place it under my tongue. While I am pretty sure that they have the “melt-away” versions of K, even the “swallow whole”-type can be placed under your tongue, as there is very little to no taste to them, and sublingually, I have found the get into your system relatively quickly.

    Compared to anally, however…I just couldn’t tell you. 🙂

  5. Marie Nicole

    Had a panic attack once. A friend said “breath in a bag” since it was a big attack I grabbed a Hefty bag, put it over my head (it was an all-body experience) and breathed until I fell down. The breathing in a bag trick really works, I passed out and woke up in a beautiful white room. The entire event was very peaceful.

    p.s. its not true what they say about the light

  6. Kristin

    Those damned endorphins are amazing. I curse those exercise fitness people every time but they are right. Unfortunately, when the panic attack starts, you usually aren’t in the mental frame to get pumped about jumping on the treadmill or dash outside for a brisk walk. I’ve gotten better about recognizing the signs that an attack is imminent and I try to get the endorphin rush in before it hits. But those damned exercise gurus swear that if you get your endorphin rush in each day, it helps stave off the panic moments. And while I’ve come to believe them…I still curse them and I still don’t do it every day.

  7. Nikolay Perov

    In my opinion drugs are not the panacea for panic attacks, because they not deal with the cause of panic disorder, they just eliminate the result of this cause: panic and fear.

    Many people experience panic attacks after antidepressants course has finished, because pills didn’t teach them to control their fears. It is an easy way, but not effective and even dangerous.

    That you are not control of anything it is not true. You can soften the attack by accepting it or by doing breathing exercises or by running 5 kilometers, or by doing yoga, or by meditating – there are many natural ways. And I know it by my experience of getting rid of panic disorder.

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