It’s no secret that I’m a narcissist – just the fact that I have a blog and use Twitter is a shining example of how I fit that definition. I’m egotistical, a shameless attention whore, and I have an extremely inflated opinion of myself. I’m well aware of my positive attributes – of what I bring to the table, so to speak – and I have no problem touting my strengths to anyone who will listen or even feign interest.
However, I’m also acutely aware of my faults. I know the things that I do that cause me to be a lesser person, a weaker individual, a poor example. I don’t celebrate my weaknesses (usually), but I do recognize that they are just as much a part of me as my strengths. And in most cases, my self-esteem and confidence are sufficiently high so that I can be proud of every aspect that makes me who I am.
The last week has been a hard one, though, and I’ve been feeling particularly beaten down on multiple fronts. For a narcissist such as myself, that feeling of being forgotten, unloved, undesired, unwanted, and disliked is severely debilitating, and I’ve been attempting to deal with the resulting peaking depression both chemically and psychologically. I already wrote a post about anxiety, which, while designed to be humorous, was a way to stave off an impending panic attack.
And now I’m going to write more. Writing has become one of the best ways for me to lighten the burden that’s threatening to drown me right now, and I know that as long as I write honestly and openly, all it will do is help me feel better, seeing my pain and hurt right there in black and white.
This is not a post about my weaknesses. I know that I’m selfish and controlling and obsessive. I know that I can be intense and manipulative and condescending. I am fully aware of my lack of boundaries and ability to recognize subtlety. This is not about that. This post is about the good things about me. What I like about myself.
- I’m generous. If I have a friend in need, I will help if I am in any position to do so.
- I’m considerate. I share and think of others around me when I’m thinking of myself as well.
- I’m romantic. Sometimes this feels like a weakness, because it opens me up to be hurt worse, but I believe in soul mates and love at first sight and riding off into the sunset.
- I’m protective. If you are my friend, I will defend you to anyone who has anything to say about you.
- I’m a good friend/lover/person. I’m attentive, I am demonstrative of my affection and love, and I am eager to please.
- I’m honest. This wasn’t always the case, but the only way I survived two years ago was by embracing honesty. I’m open about everything and will not lie, obfuscate the truth, omit fact, or be dishonest about my life in any way now.
- I’m smart. I’m aware that one reason I’ve gotten as far as I have in life is because I have a raw intelligence that serves me well.
- I’m never too busy. If you need something, I’ll do it. I’m never going to say no to a friend.
- I’m learning to take care of myself. Before, I would never put myself first and that bred resentment and co-dependence. I’m trying to learn to make sure that I’m healthy and okay in order to be more capable of taking care of the ones I love. It’s like they say when you fly – put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on the children you’re with.
- I’m observant. I pay attention to my surroundings. I usually know who’s around, what they’re doing and where they went. I drive well because I know where all of the cars are around me. In large group settings, I tend to hang back and observe rather than participate actively, which is both a weakness and a strength.
- I can read people very well. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I can tell what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling, but it does mean that if I know someone, I usually know what to say or do to make them feel better. This translates into being a good salesperson, as well. It’s a fine line between reading people and manipulating them, though, and it’s one that I wrestle with daily.
- I don’t judge my friends. Back in the good old days, I had a mantra with my best friend and it has resonated beyond the scope of our now-defunct friendship. That mantra was “I don’t judge you, fucker”, shortened to IDJYF. I am open and honest about my life and all aspects of my life with my friends. I expect no judgment and I will never judge them for any action, desire or decision, however despicable or strange they may feel it is.
- I’m a good writer. Writing for the last 14 years has given me a good sense of my voice and I feel like I am able to inject my personality and visual imagery into my writing.
- I’ll admit when I’m wrong. I like to joke that I’m always right, but when I screw up and make a mistake, I’m always willing to publicly and openly apologize for my actions or words.
- I’m logical. Yet another attribute that’s both positive and negative. I use logical and rationality to deal with life, but this can sometimes cause me to act unemotional about issues when the reality is that I’m containing my emotions to make sense of the situation and react in a way that is rational.
- I’m funny. There is nothing better for me than making someone react emotionally to my words, written or spoken. Laughter may not always be the best medicine for others, but hearing others laugh is the best elixir I could ask for.
There are more, but this was designed as an exercise in building my self-esteem, not congratulatory masturbation. I need this right now, and when I reach a point in the near future where I don’t feel as broken, I plan on balancing it out with a list of all of the things wrong with me. That one seems like it would be a lot more fun to write, too.
In the comments, I’d love for you to say one thing that you like about yourself. In addition to, not in lieu of, saying something awesome about me, of course, because, hell, this is me we’re talking about. I’m an egotistical son of a bitch!