Today, June 22nd, is the fourth anniversary of comedian George Carlin’s death, and I thought I’d use this opportunity to posthumously interview him. Better late than never!
Me: Thanks for taking the time to speak with me, Mr. Carlin.
GC: The pleasure is all mine. Why do people say that? All mine. That pleasure right there? It belongs to ME and YOU can’t have any! It’s mine and mine alone. I’m taking all the pleasure with me when I leave. Say goodbye to pleasure!
Me: Well, usually when I do these fake interviews, I never know where I’m going to go with them and what I’m going to say, but I just try to disassociate myself from my own voice and write like I think the deceased would write. This time, though, I told myself that I wasn’t going to try to do anything sounding like one of your bits, because I wouldn’t be able to do them justice. But here we go and the first thing I write is a bit.
GC: Obviously that’s what popped into your virtual George Carlin head.
Me: I guess. And if you read it aloud with a raspy New York accent, I guess it might pass as an old Carlin joke.
GC: That’s the spirit. Not that I fuckin’ care – I’m dead.
Me: How is that going, by the way?
GC: What? Death?
Me: Yeah. Is there a heaven or a hell? Were all of your rants on religion wrong or right?
GC: I have no clue. It’s only been four years and I’m still waiting in line. This does make me think that maybe there is a God, though, because he definitely made the DMV in his own image.
Me: Well, that’s unfortunate. I was hoping to get some answers about the afterlife.
GC: Why? Why do you need answers about after your life? How about just living and enjoying your life, being a good person, helping those who need it, not being one of those pricks who thinks his shit don’t stink, and enjoy your NOW life? You can get to the afterlife after!
Me: That’s a good point – maybe if the world had just listened to you more, we’d be in a better place right now.
GC: Damn right you would be – the world is so concerned with who’s fucking whom and who’s talking to whom and who’s marrying whom and having a sex change to turn into whom and how to properly use whom that nobody is focusing on themselves. Look to yourself before you ever fuckin’ dare judge someone else for any action or choice they make.
Me: Who would have guessed that this fake interview would have been such a paragon of inspiration?
GC: Don’t get ahead of yourself. You’re not that fuckin’ great. The whole world could do with a helping of humble pie. We should take the Snookis and Kardashians and Paris Hiltons and Glenn Becks and Rush Limbaughs and Howard Sterns and Miley Cyruses and every other twat and cocksucker in the world and strap them down to a giant highchair, because nobody can be dignified or immodest when their feet are dangling three feet from the ground, and force-feed them some humble pie until they start to choke on it.
GC: And then we need to equip every single iPhone with a new ring tone that only goes off when you’re in a movie theater or a restaurant or any other place where common fuckin’ decency should dictate, but doesn’t seem to anymore, that you keep your conversation focused on the people in your physical presence, and that ring tone will go off loud and clear with every ring and every text and just say “DOOOUUUUCHHHEEBAGGG” like a giant douchebag alert foghorn.
Me: I would agree to that, too, but my phone might do that sometimes. I can’t help it.
GC: You can help it. You’re just like every other entitled prick out there who thinks that he’s so important that he has to text and email and Facebook and fuckin’ Twitter while ignoring his friends who are sitting right there, willing and ready to engage him in normal, healthy socializing.
Me: Speaking of Twitter, what do you-
GC: Fuck Twitter. Fuck Facebook. And fuck you.
Thanks to Loukia for the idea. Did you enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!) in the sidebar –>