Dr. Adam Avitable knows all.

Ask Avitable – Your Chance to Learn Something About Anything from an Expert on Nothing

What are your questions? Adam Avitable will answer them.

I know a little about a lot and nothing about most things, but I want to spur some interaction and jar some creativity loose from my head, so the onus is on you. Ask me anything about everything, whether it’s personal or anecdotal or sexual or instructional or impossible or situational or environmental or unexplainable or just something you’ve always been curious about Avitable.

I’ll be honest about everything unless I don’t know the answer, in which case I’ll craft an answer that sounds right so that you can convince your friends and that one ignorant racist relative that you know more than they do. What are your questions about life? What keeps you up at night? Why do things act they way that they do? Who sells seashells by the seashore? Well, that last one’s easy – Hobo Joe down on the Boardwalk.

So, shoot.  Use the comments for your questions. Anyone who questions by Facebook or Twitter will be locked in a room with a hungry three-toed sloth named Barney. Don’t let the speed fool you – he’s a vicious bastard.

43 thoughts on “Ask Avitable – Your Chance to Learn Something About Anything from an Expert on Nothing”

  1. Your willingness to get up on stage and tell jokes is something I admire. How did you manage the stage fright and panic aspect when you began and how do you manage that now?

  2. What’s a good mantra to repeat to myself for the next time I hear about my ex’s size 0 girlfriend calling me “fat and ugly”? ‘Cause “ohmmmygodyourleatheryneckflapsinthebreeze” seems petty and unoriginal.

  3. Okay, several questions just because I’m curious like that:
    1. Favourite movie. Or top five in case you can’t pick just one like me.
    2. Favourite stand up comic- who is your idol?
    3. Dream job-if you could do ANYTHING and make a living at it…
    4. Favourite swear (that one is just for fun)
    5. Reason you got into blogging.

    How’s that? And just to be fair I’ll give you back one of mine. Current favourite swear is cockjugglingthundercunt.

  4. OK, my questions assumes you have seen the film “A Few Good Men” at least once. Several times would be preferable, but once would at least give you an understanding of where I’m coming from. Spoiler alert if you haven’t seen it yet.

    Lt. Cdr. Jo Galloway (as played by Demi Moore)…worst character ever or WORST CHARACTER EVER?!?!

    She fucks everything up in the courtroom from the get-go with her poor preparation of Pfc. Loudon Downey and that horrible strenuous objection during the cross examination of Dr. Stone. “I strenuously object? Is that how it works?”

    Then, with no legal argument or substantial proof, she basically brow-beats Kaffey into putting Col. Jessup onto the stand so that he can “make him” admit his crime. Fair enough, but THEN right when he needs the most confidence from his team, right at the moment that he is prepared to question Jessup, she tells him to back off if he doesn’t think he can get it out of him.

    She chooses that fucking moment to remind him that she is special counsel for Internal Affairs and that he can get into a lot of trouble. BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT SHE HAD BEEN HARPING ON HIM TO DO ALL ALONG!!!

    Sure, it all turned out okay. No thanks to Lt. Cdr. Jo Galloway.

    So I put it to you, is she the worst character ever or the worst character ever?

    A thoughtful and detailed answer from a lawyer like yourself is sorely needed.

    Thank you.

  5. The pressure of formulating a question is killing me. I am overwhelmed when I too many options.

    Ok…here goes…

    If I am a person with no calling (in regards to career choice) what the fuck should I do? I am a people person, I hate tedium, I resent authority, I am a pleaser by nature. Yes, I’ve considered prostitution, but it doesn’t appeal to me either.

    Be my career coach, wise one.

  6. What did you do with the hair you shaved from your head?
    Why did you go to law school and not take the bar?
    What moment in your life gifted you with clarity about your purpose?
    What moment in your life made your gut wrench and caused you to wonder about your true purpose?
    Why are we friends?

    I think I’ve done enough damage here.

  7. Having been a “Girlfriend” to your many female friends in the past how would you suggest I handle dealing with my new league? Playing roller derby, you’d think we roller chicks would be all blood & guts, gung ho, skate or die, but in reality, you get a group of women together there’s gonna be drama, namely the passive aggressive kind that solves absolutely NOTHING. Currently, I have the league founder asking me to take over in a leadership position(board of directors & possibly president), but with my no nonsense approach to business & skate training, I might just offend every damn skater in the process with my brusque style! Any ideas? (Remember, I break bones, so this better be good.)

  8. Is it ever legal to kill one’s ex-MIL? I’m just asking for a, uh, friend.
    Are you still friends with Miss Britt? Something you wrote a while ago seemed to indicate not.
    Was it the margarita or the Mexican food I had last night that left me feeling half dead all day?

  9. Serious Question ahead:

    I am a mother of three. Three boys, to be exact. All under the age of six. It’s like balls and weiners all the time in my house. And poop. And farts. And boners. My husband is wanting to do a vasectomy on himself in the garage with a whisk form the kitchen and leftover curling ribbon from Christmas. I, on the other hand, desperately want to have another baby. I mean desperate like the people who stand in front of Walmart asking for change for “gas”. At this point, we kind of laugh it off, our vast difference in this area. We joke about the vasectomy thing and haha, it’s not yet serious. Thus far, we haven’t fought about it. But it’s coming. There isn’t a compromise on this issue. Unless there is. That’s my question – what do I do? Do I let it go? Do I demand a baby? Date rape him? Am I being irrational? Unfair? Is he? Let my just say that my husband is one badass motherfucker. He is honest and loving and hard working and the best father. I respect him and appreciate him and couldn’t do this (obviously) without him. hands down my bestie for life. But I just can’t seem to let this go. Being a grown up is hard.

    1. @Sara, I had already written my post with answers before you commented, so here’s my answer: I think you need to figure out why you want another baby. What is it about having one that you want? Is it that you actually want another child or do you have some other need that’s behind it that’s not being met? Once you know that, it’s time to sit down and have a serious conversation about it and if he’s as badass as you say, he’ll see how important it is to you.

  10. How do I get over the terror of financial insecurity, the loathing I have for the person causing it, and the jealousy and rage that is caused by knowing this person has no need for the extra money?

    1. @Emily, I had already written my post with answers before you commented, so here’s my answer: Loathing, rage, and jealousy only hurts you. Look at yourself in a vacuum, without that other person, realize that you’re going to be okay, and know that karma is a motherfucker.

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