I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Stress, emotional turmoil, financial issues, and some hope-shattering ego checks have left me pretty broken in the last month or so. I’ll get through it and be fine, but in the meantime, I’ve been struggling on several levels. The friends who are aware have been supportive, but I try to hide it when I’m being a Debbie Downer, so many friends haven’t seen that anything is wrong.
Some of you may be experiencing depression of your own, and many of you may have friends who are severely depressed, but you don’t know it. I thought I would use this space to pinpoint some of the ways that you can recognize the signs of depression in your friends and loved ones. I’m only a doctor in the jurisprudence sense (and also, when I give mammograms out of the back of my van), but I would say that if you see someone who meets at least four of the following nine signs, that person is depressed and needs your love and support.
- Watches Gilmore Girls over and over again while repeating “Lorelai and Luke, Rory and Dean” under his or her breath.
- Uses prescription drugs to help get to sleep, wake up, get work done, shower, get dressed, take a nap, wake up from a nap, and maintain an erection for four hours.
- Eats a chip to dip ratio that requires at least two jars of dip per bag, or is seen dumping the broken chips in the bottom of the bag into the remaining dip container and eating the entire concoction with a spoon.
- Experiments with bold nail polish colors in an attempt to make him- or herself feel pretty.
- Maintains a consistently high alcohol-to-blood ratio and keeps insisting that it’s “five o’clock somewhere”.
- Hasn’t opened his or her mail since 2011.
- Leaves a trail of crumpled tissue and empty Kleenex boxes that rivals the original “Trail of Tears”.
- Eats all the creme centers and leaves piles of empty Oreo cookies in the packaging for the unsuspecting friend in search of a snack, who will probably say “the hell with it” and eat them anyway.
- Insists that Gonzo is the only one who loves him or her.
Don’t neglect these signs! If you have a friend or loved one who meets those criteria, you should immediately force him into the shower, make him get dressed, take him out to dinner, and then throw him some pity sex. Or at least a cuddle.
Also, don’t forget to go ask me a question on any topic! I’ll be posting the answers in a later post, and you don’t want to miss out, do you? Never mind, I’m sure you do want to miss out. Sigh. Gonzo’s the only one who loves me.