Dr. Adam Avitable knows all.

My expert guide to recognizing the signs of depression

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Stress, emotional turmoil, financial issues, and some hope-shattering ego checks have left me pretty broken in the last month or so. I’ll get through it and be fine, but in the meantime, I’ve been struggling on several levels. The friends who are aware have been supportive, but I try to hide it when I’m being a Debbie Downer, so many friends haven’t seen that anything is wrong.

Some of you may be experiencing depression of your own, and many of you may have friends who are severely depressed, but you don’t know it. I thought I would use this space to pinpoint some of the ways that you can recognize the signs of depression in your friends and loved ones. I’m only a doctor in the jurisprudence sense (and also, when I give mammograms out of the back of my van), but I would say that if you see someone who meets at least four of the following nine signs, that person is depressed and needs your love and support.

Adam Avitable suffers from depression

  1. Watches Gilmore Girls over and over again while repeating “Lorelai and Luke, Rory and Dean” under his or her breath.
  2. Uses prescription drugs to help get to sleep, wake up, get work done, shower, get dressed, take a nap, wake up from a nap, and maintain an erection for four hours.
  3. Eats a chip to dip ratio that requires at least two jars of dip per bag, or is seen dumping the broken chips in the bottom of the bag into the remaining dip container and eating the entire concoction with a spoon.
  4. Experiments with bold nail polish colors in an attempt to make him- or herself feel pretty.
  5. Maintains a consistently high alcohol-to-blood ratio and keeps insisting that it’s “five o’clock somewhere”.
  6. Hasn’t opened his or her mail since 2011.
  7. Leaves a trail of crumpled tissue and empty Kleenex boxes that rivals the original “Trail of Tears”.
  8. Eats all the creme centers and leaves piles of empty Oreo cookies in the packaging for the unsuspecting friend in search of a snack, who will probably say “the hell with it” and eat them anyway.
  9. Insists that Gonzo is the only one who loves him or her.

Don’t neglect these signs! If you have a friend or loved one who meets those criteria, you should immediately force him into the shower, make him get dressed, take him out to dinner, and then throw him some pity sex.  Or at least a cuddle.


Also, don’t forget to go ask me a question on any topic! I’ll be posting the answers in a later post, and you don’t want to miss out, do you? Never mind, I’m sure you do want to miss out. Sigh. Gonzo’s the only one who loves me.

45 thoughts on “My expert guide to recognizing the signs of depression”

  1. Oh dear… I thought everyone ate the last of the chips and dip like #3. And, I just did #4 but then stripped all the colorful polish off my nails again. It always looks prettier in the bottle.

    Gonzo is the coolest Muppet.

  2. Maybe you should write an apologetic letter to someone you’ve wronged in the past year or so. That might make you feel better.

    Or, get you some bath salts, skip dinner, and have a night out on the town.

    1. @the muskrat, I apologize to anyone I’ve wronged as soon as I do it, usually. Wait – do you want me to apologize to you for liking your wife more than I like you? I can’t help it – she’s just more awesome!

  3. I hear you on every one. Well except for Gonzo. Elmo is my buddy. I have all of your issues plus a back surgery, and I don’t know how to fix myself. None of my kids know how bad it really is. I know one thing though – I am kinder to people. When I can find people to talk to.

    Hugs to you from Minnesota
    Marie

  4. 10. Staging a photo shoot with your employees to demonstrate your signs of depression.

    Photographer: “Ok, me now go take photo so you look real not happy and sad sad. No! You no use toiler paper for wiener wipe when me take picture, you keep to side and out of hand. Me take 63 more phototos, fuckerton!

  5. Aw crap, you just reminded me I should probably check the mail before the mailman starts leaving nasty notes on my door again. I know that look all too well. I hope you find you way out soon.

  6. You have a Metropolis poster? Cool, don’t remember that, so I am hoping it’s new.

    Lately I’ve wished I was drunk every night. I feel “happy” (since Tuesday), but can I actually be happy if all I wanna do is drink a bottle of wine to forget my grandmother is dead, dead, deadski? Prolly not.

    I am sorry you’re depressed. I know it’s not my fault, but I’m still sorry anyway.

  7. Listen to Dave Ramsey on the radio/check outtotalmoneymakeover.com – basic common sense about managing your finances and coming out ahead, and a bit of Christianity thrown in (but not so much that I want to turn it off). It’s where I’ve funneled my depression – getting myself debt free.
    More importantly – watched your head-shave video and I think you look badass!

  8. If you notice I’m watching Skins day in and day out (like a month or 2 ago) you know something is wrong. Especially if I talk about the characters like they are my good friends.

  9. Awesome photo. Had to read the text to see the nail polish bottles; I’d thought 4 was going to be “more pill bottles”. And now I want to make something with Malibu and Cupcake vodka, just for the deliciousness, dang it! [I have the Devil's Food bittersweet chocolate flavor. You?]

  10. The solution — throwing the person into the shower, making them get dressed, and giving them some pity sex — would seriously work for me. Why is anyone on medication?! ;)

    In all seriousness, I hope you feel better. Depression sucks.

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