Suggestions for sessions for next year’s BlogHer conference

BlogHer 2012 is over. The Hilton NYC is littered with the remnants of 4,000-5,000 bloggers, from glitter and free vibrators to business cards and dignity. The elevators sigh in relief, and the serving staff quickly refocuses their anger on a new group of temporary residents.

Adam Avitable and Ree Drummond
Famous Blogger Adam Avitable with unknown fan

What did we learn? Where can we go from here? From compelling conversations to guests such as Martha Stewart and Katie Couric to an emotionally rousing fashion show and parties that strained the sanity of their organizers, BlogHer 2012 had it all.

Or did it? Next year, BlogHer 2013 will be in Chicago again, and I don’t think it’s reached its plateau quite yet. I’ve loved watching the conference grow and adjust to the community, and I think I have some valuable suggestions for next year. The sessions at every BlogHer have a tendency to focus on the lowest common denominator; e.g., the people with the least amount of experience and knowledge. I think it’s time to be specific with a razor focus.

Here are the sessions I would like to see at BlogHer 2013:

1. How To Get The Most Shit With The Least Amount Of Personal Effort

Designed exclusively for the new crop of hungry swag whore bloggers and coupon bloggers who descended upon the Hilton with one goal and one goal only:  Let’s see how much shit we can get. Presented by professional hoarders and garage sale shoppers, this session will help young, smug bloggers to maximize their luggage weight while minimizing the conversation required to gain swag, discounts, and enter giveaways.  Learn the grunt and nod, the eye-contact dodge, and the ninja swag swipe.

2.  Kate Gosselin Will Do Anything You Ask Her To Do For Five Dollars

Are you creative enough to come up with something that she’ll say no to? You have a whole year to think about it!

3. Ten Ways To Keep Your Drink/Food/Plate From Being Snatched Off The Table From Overly Aggressive, Angry, Rude Servers.

Bloggers at BlogHer 2012 learned the unfortunate lesson that elbow thrusts and simple judo moves were not sufficient to prevent the Hilton NYC staff from silently appearing and removing plates of food that was still being eaten without a simple “Are you done?” or even eye contact. Taught by Steven Seagal, this session will allow any blogger to learn basic aikido techniques that will make the next obnoxious server think twice before taking away my soup WHILE I STILL HAD THE FUCKING SPOON IN MY HAND.

4.  Using Twitter To Its Full Passive-Aggressive Potential

Too many bloggers fail to understand that the best use of Twitter is not to engage in one global conversation – it’s to make private jabs at the expense of people who don’t care and probably won’t get it! Did that woman just elbow you by accident when she was pressing the elevator button? Why swallow your pride and realize it was a mistake when you can get the self-satisfaction of trashing her on Twitter without naming her? Passive-aggressive behavior and Twitter go together like peanut butter and jelly, and this session, taught by several 14-year old female high school students, will help you excel in this arena.

5.  The Value Of Your Time: Why It’s More Important To Spend Private Time With A Brand Instead Of Your Fellow Community of Bloggers.

It’s amazing how many bloggers would rather attend a community keynote where bloggers read gripping, emotional, defining posts, instead of going from private gathering to private gathering for brands who don’t care enough about the community of bloggers to schedule their events for off hours. You’re at BlogHer to meet brands and make money doing product reviews and giveaways, not to meet the people who actually read what you write. Community is for suckers. Presented by COMPANY NAME REDACTED.

6.  People You Don’t Know Aren’t Worth Your Time

Social skills are for people who didn’t get to meet Amalah or Schmutzie or Kelly or Neilochka. For everyone else, it’s simply more effective to walk up to a blogger, ask “Do I know you?”, look at their name, and then say “No”, and walk away. How else can you get your Disney Character Autograph Book filled if you don’t spend all of your time searching out the bloggers who have more traffic than you do? This isn’t about meeting people whose writing you admire – it’s about developing valuable name-dropping skills that will impress the people at home who don’t even know what a blog is. Presented by this one blogger I know who once met President Obama and sat behind George Clooney on a plane.

7.  Party 101: Judging Instead Of Enjoying

Obviously the best parties are the ones you can sit outside and judge instead of just going in and having fun like everyone else. Why go inside when you can already tell from the conversation and music emerging that everyone who is having fun must be a moron? If you aren’t sitting out there judging the music and layout and food and clothing and lighting and decorations, how will people know that they shouldn’t be having fun? Presented by Debbie Downer.

8.  Avitable Touched My No-No Place: A Safe Haven For Those Abused By The Internet’s Creepiest Bachelor

Presented by a team of 180 specially trained counselors, this session is designed primarily for those people who have been wronged by Adam Avitable, that guy who thinks he’s famous on the Internet. Just by being there, he’s creating a situation where women can’t truly enjoy themselves, and it’s reproachable and reprehensible. You can tell just from how he looks that he’s lecherous and predatory, and his hugs always linger a bit too long. Here is your safe place if you feel like you have been on the receiving end of this terrible pervert.

What do you think? I’m confident that with these sessions, BlogHer 2013 can outdo 2012 exponentially.  See you in Chicago!

48 thoughts on “Suggestions for sessions for next year’s BlogHer conference”

  1. I really wanted to meet you and tell you that I think you’re hot shit as a writer (that’s a compliment), but when I did meet you, I was all sweaty and weird and it was on a dance floor and I may have been tripping and then you looked at me like, “Yeah, uh, we’ve been introduced before and you were pretty sweaty and weird back then, as well” and then I thought, “Oh Christ, did I have, like, an hour-long conversation with him in Chicago and I’ve forgotten about it because I was tripping at the time and now he thinks I’m an ass?” and so anyway, whatever, next year I’ll just spill a drink on you and then go ride the subway all night.

  2. I think the Ten Ways To Avoid Your Drink Being Snatched Off The Table By Your Server is a winner.

    Did you notice?

    I showed up to the table with a Dunkin’ Donuts cup… and left the table WITHOUT the Dunkin’ Donuts cup. He snagged my cup of ice on me and I’M A FREAKING NEW YORKER!

    This is what happens when you get all the disgruntled corporate mongers from Lehman, AIG, and Washington Mutual as wait staff.

    Other than that, I wholly (still) support Dave2‘s itinerary.

    Just sayin’

  3. Excellent suggestions. I want to be funny but my brain is all, aksjfjshitballsackjisjklzzzzzzzzzzzz. P.S. I liked seeing your head. The one on the top. Your top head. The one that’s attached to your face hole.

  4. You better watch out for that fan of yours, she looks like the celebrity stalker type.

    I also think BlogHer should sponsor husbands of BlogHer ladies and have us to a Q&A panel about how it has affected them as they sit home watching Olympics instead of shaking our money makers on the floor with their significant others.

  5. Did you write #7 for me?? 😉

    For the record, the only reason I complain about the parties is that I can’t see or hear the people who I want to be having a good time with—because I am geriatric. Is it too much to ask for a well-lit and quiet room filled with all the people I love and want to talk to and hug? IS IT TOO MUCH???

  6. People would pay good money to go to your conference. Providing you had a kick ass cake. Cake makes everything awesome.

    I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who had their food stolen by a damn server. Assholes.

  7. Love this post – I’m a first time reader who couldn’t go to Blogher cause I got super sick a few days prior, and have been searching for a decent, honest, un-sponsored (shocking!) review of the conference. YAY – Found it! I will DEFINITELY attend 2013 if Blogher heeds your wisdom and makes you chair of the planning committee. But what are your plans for the Sparklecorn cake, pray tell? I KNOW you can somehow transform the oversized pony pastry into something much greater. I just KNOW you can.

  8. I would definitely attend this conference to spectate. Sadly, the people in these sessions probably wouldn’t realize they were being made fun of or called to carpet for their rude behavior but I guess that’s part of the fun of it. Maybe we could add a Hunger Games-style session as well?

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