Name: Neil Armstrong
Born: August 5, 1930
Died: August 25, 2012
Profession(s): American astronaut
Best known for: Neil Armstrong was the first person to walk on the Moon, speaking the immortal words “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”, not as originally reported by The Onion, “HOLY SHIT I’M ON THE FUCKING MOON!”
Fun fake fact: Armstrong sued singer Michael Jackson for claiming that he did the world’s first moonwalk. The case was settled out of court.
Avitable: Sir, may I just say that you are a legend, and it’s a pleasure to get to speak with you.
Armstrong: Thank you, but there is no reason to moon over me. I’m not anything special, though. Just an engineer, professor, test pilot, naval officer, and guy who went into space and walked on the Moon. Just your average Joe.
Avitable: That’s it, eh?
Armstrong: Well, after I went to the Moon, I also received the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the Congressional Space Medal of Honor, and the Congressional Gold Medal.
Avitable: The Congressional Space Medal of Honor? That sounds like a fake medal that was just created for astronauts. Did it have chocolate on the inside? Did you also get the Congressional Super Fantastic Medal For Guys Who Went Into Space?
Armstrong: How’d you guess? I got another one too. It was called the Congressional Medal For Old Guys Who Could Kick Your Fat Ass.
Avitable: Message received. Let’s move on. What do you have to say to that small yet vocal group of people who persist in claiming that the moon landing was a hoax?
Armstrong: Well, now that I’m dead, I don’t have to keep the secret anymore. It was a giant Moon hoax.
Armstrong: Yeah, we didn’t really land on the Moon. America needed one in the win column, so we rigged the whole thing.
Avitable: I don’t believe you.
Armstrong: It was all done on a sound stage and we actually had Stan Winston, the famous special effects artist, do everything. The moon job was his very first job right after he graduated from college.
Avitable: I don’t even know what to say.
Armstrong: It’s not that we couldn’t have gone to the Moon. We might have made it. But it was just easier to fake the whole thing, and make a secret moon trip up there later for Moon colonization.
Armstrong: Yeah, it was President Nixon’s idea. He had his limitations, but he saw where the world was going and wanted to make a moon haven for the right people on the Moon.
Avitable: Are you saying that there are people living on the moon right now?
Armstrong: That’s right.
Armstrong: About 10,000 Americans have been transported to The United States of Amoonica over the last 60 years. They have democratic moon elections and a functioning moon government up there, though there’s some moon conflict right now.
Avitable: What’s going on?
Armstrong: Well, this one candidate is getting flack because some of the Amoonicans are claiming he was born on Earth, not the Moon. And the other candidate is being accused of hoarding space bucks and having filed fraudulent moon returns.
Avitable: It’s eerie how much that parallels what’s going on here, too.
Armstrong: It definitely is, and right now the entire Amoonican population is polarized and fighting over petty moon issues instead of trying to work together. Since I was the first person on the Moon during our real, top secret trip there, I’m an honorary Amoonican citizen, but I can’t decide who to vote for, either.
Avitable: Who are the candidates?
Armstrong: Spacerock Moonbama and Moon Romney.
Avitable: Hold on a second. Is there some way you can prove this to me? I think you’re lying.
Armstrong: Yes I can. I’ll show you Amoonica! Look! *points to a corner of the room*
Avitable: Ummm, that’s a diorama made with Playdoh and filled with dolls.
Armstrong: Welcome to the United States of Moon!
Avitable: I thought it was called Amoonica.
Armstrong: You’re ruining everything!
Avitable: I’m thinking that maybe your time on the Moon may have made you a little obsessed with it.
Armstrong: Moon you, you mooning mothermooner! Moon moon moon moon moony moon.
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