Adam Avitable is an Aquarius

Today’s Horoscope, Because I’m Totally An Astrology Expert


Today will be a good day for you to brush your teeth. That smell is not coming from your kitchen. Nor the trashcan you haven’t emptied in a month. Nor your feet, though you should probably have that fungus looked at. On a positive note, there is romance on the horizon, as long as you keep your eyes open and don’t ignore that homeless person outside the Walmart.


Stay in the right lane no matter what. This isn’t figurative – literally, do not get in the left lane, even if you have to turn left. Just take three right turns instead. Also, the brown recluse spider is your spirit animal, so collecting as many as you can will only bring you good luck.


You have toilet paper sticking to your shoe, but if you try to get it off, you will trip and fall down an elevator shaft. Just suck it up and get used to being called TP at work, at least until Joan from accounting sharts in that meeting on Monday.


You know that thing you do where you make really bad puns ironically? Yeah, stop doing that. Everybody really hates it. Even your mom.


When you’re walking down the street, it’s important to avoid all change that you see on the sidewalk. I can’t tell you which time, but one of the times that you bend over and pick up a coin, you’re going to miss meeting a future romantic prospect. And get hit by a truck.


There’s really no point in doing anything. You’re doomed.


That book you never returned from the library when you were ten years old is really going to bite you in the ass today. I probably should have mentioned this a few days ago, but I got really drunk.


The world is conspiring against you, but make sure to keep a smile on your face. It will confuse your enemies, which may be the only pleasure you get for the next few years, along with sending thank you notes for every brick that gets thrown through your window, figuratively and literally.


Stop in the first church you see today and thank Jesus for all of the blessings you’ve received in your life. He won’t hear you or care, but the old lady in the front pew will hear you and think you’re adorable, then leave you everything in her will. You have to split her collection of cat figurines with me, though.


You are the consummate professional, capable of separating and compartmentalizing your personal life and business life with ease. It’s too bad that you work as a fry cook at Burger King, because you would have been a great lawyer if only you learned the difference between “its” and “it’s”.


When the neighbor catches you using her hot tub, invite her to join you. You may be pleasantly surprised. Unless you expect a taser to the nipples to be extremely painful, in which case there will be no surprise and you’ll have your exact expectations met.


Today is the day for you to start using that gym membership you’ve been paying for over the last year, but mostly because you’re going to slip and fall on the sweat of some old man using a medicine ball and be able to sue the gym for tens of dollars. The fish sandwich you buy with your winnings will cause you to choke, and you’ll be able to sue the restaurant for hundreds of dollars. That high priced escort you buy with your settlement money will be an undercover police officer, and you will be arrested. However, your cellmate will also be your soul mate and you will finally find happiness.

Adam Avitable is an Aquarius

6 thoughts on “Today’s Horoscope, Because I’m Totally An Astrology Expert”

  1. In regards to your Sagittarius horoscope, I don’t pray to Jesus, but I do pray to Chocolate Baby Jesus, does that count? See, I like Chocolate Baby Jesus (or Chocezus when I’m feeling lazy) ’cause I can nibble on Him when my soul is feeling crummy or when I’m simply having a chocolate craving. HE ALWAYS PULLS THROUGH.

  2. Ok, I’m a little freaked out by how accurate mine is. For real. There IS a smell in my house – somewhere in the garage which is off of the kitchen. I DO have something on my foot that I’m going to get looked at if it doesn’t hurry up and heal (the world’s slowest-healing bug bites, I hope). And there are always homeless people outside Walmart, but that’s a gimme. I’m a little freaked out by your powers.

  3. I’m an Aries. thank you SO much for saving me the time on figuring out where the smell was coming from! Now I don’t have to even check the cat box. Adam’s Horoscopes are da most righteous BOMB!


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