Talking to your friends on Twitter about the mundane activities of your sad life is so 2010. Following celebrities on Twitter is so 2011. The new trend for Twitter is to become friends with people BEFORE they become celebrities and get millions and millions of followers!
“But how do I do that, Adam?” You ask while you sit on your toilet and read this post from your phone.
I’ll tell you how. Follow these people right here. Their tweets will make you laugh, and then you’ll retweet them, and then your friends will laugh, and you’ll be a hero. A HERO. Don’t you want to be a hero?
First, of course, there’s me. I’m an author (albeit self-published), a comedian (albeit very amateur), a lawyer (albeit unlicensed and incapable of practicing law), and a sex machine (albeit rusty and bloated). Why aren’t you following me?
What I lack in free time I make up in willingness to take drugs that keep me from sleeping.
— Adam Heath Avitable (@avitable) August 22, 2012
Then, if you’re ready – really, really ready – to be a hero – follow the rest of these comedians. I went through thousands – okay, hundreds – okay, tens – of Twitter accounts for local Orlando comedians to find the cream of the crop – the sour, cynical, dark, twisted cream of the crop. These comedians are the funniest out there, unless they’re drunk, in which case they’re even funnier. They are intelligent, pessimistic, misanthropic, and will be the people you’ll be reading about in the pages of Variety someday. Or in the obituaries and subsequent interviews with yours truly. Either way:
If I could have one super power, it would be making people believe that cartwheeling is the only viable method of transportation.
— Nick Pupo (@NickPupo) August 26, 2012
i feel like us white people are missing out on something by not calling each other "round eye".
— clay robertson (@clayboyatnight) September 10, 2012
People are getting more stupider.
— Will Hagaman (@willhaga) August 27, 2012
Before 9/11, anytime someone said "Never forget" they were talking about that time Ted Danson did blackface.
— Lauren Brown (@LaurenBrownMD) September 11, 2012
Can we combine charity groups and homeless people so I only have to avoid eye contact once when leaving the grocery store?
— Luke Swiderski (@LukeInOrlando) September 11, 2012
There isn't a joke to be made about this honey boo boo kid that hasn't already been written and played by god.
— decent calves (@BrunchWithAlex) September 6, 2012
Don't want much. Just want to be rich or smart enough to create people so tiny that five of them could rollerskate on my back when it hurts.
— Larry Fulford (@LarryFulford) September 11, 2012
How do you make a New York style hot dog? Take a hot dog and throw it away. Then, go get a pizza.
— Jacob Galang (@Jacob_Galang) September 11, 2012
My son just used the number eleventeen. I went out and showed him how to start the lawn mower. Figured he might as well start training.
— Steve Netta (@TheSteveNetta) September 5, 2012
Are there any people you follow who don’t get the recognition they deserve? Let me know in the comments!