Adam Avitable on a date

9 Things A Girl Should Know Before Her First Date With Avitable

I just read a post by Stefanie Mullen titled “11 Things Girls Should Know Before Their First Date” over at Ooph (thanks to Jessi for sharing that on Facebook). It was a good list (aimed at tweens and teens), but what struck me as unfortunate was that five of the items were “things girls should know so that they don’t get raped”.

It’s unfortunate because our society still hasn’t evolved to the point that sexual assault has been eliminated. Maybe it never will. I know that I’ve read enough about women who have felt victimized or pressured to say yes or pushed to do things with which they were later uncomfortable that I’m sometimes afraid to date. I watch every word and action to make sure that it can’t be construed as aggressive or convincing or even guilt-inducing. I work myself into a frenzy of complete inaction, trying to make sure that there is absolutely no pressure to do anything.

With that said, I feel comfortable coming up with my own list of things that a girl should know before she goes on a first date with me specifically. This list is not aimed at tweens or teens (does 19 count?), but at the woman who decides to throw her luck to the wind, give up on dating anyone of value, and go on a date with me:

  1. Adam Avitable on a dateYou don’t need to do that fake “pull out the wallet like you’re going to pay” thing. It may be chauvinistic, but I don’t care. I’ll be paying for everything. I’m getting the benefit of your time and your attention, and paying the bill(s) is one way, along with listening and engaging you in conversation, of showing my appreciation.
  2. I don’t expect anything in return. This is a corollary to the first point. The fact that I’m paying for everything means absolutely nothing with regards to my expectations. An expensive dinner does not equate to sex in my head, nor should it with any date.
  3. Don’t lie. Since my divorce, honesty and transparency have been the cornerstone of my life, and the truth is of utmost importance. There is no reason to be anything other than honest with me. I know I’ll be honest in return. I’ll talk about my divorce, my weight loss, my comedy, my business, and even the fact that sometimes I get pedicures and paint my toenails. Just be you, and I’ll appreciate that more than any illusion you think you could create.
  4. I won’t play games. I don’t understand the need of someone to wait three days before calling or texting. If a date goes well, I will call or text you the next day if possible. If a date goes poorly and there won’t be another one, I will call or text you as well.Β Games are for people who aren’t confident that they’re worth my time.
  5. Eat and drink what you want. I’ve been on dates where she ordered the cheapest item on the menu or ordered a salad to look healthy when she really wanted a steak. If you like beer, order a beer. If you want a fruity drink with umbrellas and fruit and a giant novelty glass, I’ll probably be drinking the same thing!
  6. I don’t judge. I’m fully aware of the mistakes that people can make in their lives, and I make a concerted effort never to judge someone for their past. In the recent months, I dated a woman who hid the fact that she used to be an escort when she was in her twenties. I didn’t judge her for what she did, but I told her that the fact she wasn’t willing to share that information with me meant that I couldn’t be with her. Don’t avoid saying or doing something because you’re worried about being vocally or silently judged by me – it is not going to happen.
  7. I can talk. A lot. Sometimes I worry that by asking questions of my date, I’m bordering on interrogation, when I’m only genuinely interested in her life. This means that I tend to talk about myself a lot, something that is bolstered by the fact that I have an enormous ego and am completely narcissistic. Tell me to shut up if I’m talking too much, and I will, gratefully.
  8. Be aggressive. It’s rare that I’ll make the first move. A recent girl I dated laughed when I asked her before I kissed her, but the fear of being too pushy outweighs the body language and signs that I am reading from you. You can never be too aggressive for me, and if your intentions are clear, I can let myself relax.
  9. Have fun. This is about two people getting together to talk and enjoy each other’s company. There are no obligations, no responsibilities, and there is no pressure. Just take deep breaths, relax, and have a good time!

So, who’s up for drinks and dinner?

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91 Replies to “9 Things A Girl Should Know Before Her First Date With Avitable”

  1. frelle

    I think your list is awesome, and if you posted it on a dating site, you’re exactly the sort of person whose profile I would respond to. Honest, open, attempting to make a woman feel safe and not pressured, as well as wanting to make her laugh. I think it’s fantastic that you asked for the kiss before you went for it. I had a guy do that recently and I thought it was sweet.

  2. Kirsty

    I would date you tonight (I even have red hair, how’s that for a perfect match?) if I weren’t a) on a totally different continent and b) locked up in the “secure unit” of a psychiatric clinic. I’m not a violent person, but I’m considered a danger to myself. So if we DID go on a date, I would quite willingly give you any details you want regarding the (many) scars on my arm, my tendency to mix large quantities of alcohol with equally large quantities of anti-depressants and Xanax. The only slight problem is that having whatever self-esteem I ever had gradually beaten out of me by my ex, I would be very unlikely to make the first move – hell, I haven’t been on a date since 1996!! And my love life came to a grinding halt the day my ex walked out in 2010. So, yeah, low self-esteem. But YOU definitely sound like a catch!

      • hello haha narf

        sorry, i didn’t see where you said it has nothing to do with risk of rejection. not that i totally believe you. seems to me that it is human nature to not want to be rejected.
        i get that you don’t want to be too persuasive, but if a man is feeling like a woman would kiss him he is most likely right and as an adult woman she is fully capable of turning her head or saying “i am not ready for that” if she doesn’t want to kiss him.
        regardless, i like the old fashioned “man makes the first move” in the beginning of a relationship so much that earlier in the year i quit seeing a guy because i hated being the aggressor all the damn time. total turn off. blows my mind that women would want to be making the first move, but if you can find em, rock on.

        • Avitable

          @hello haha narf, I don’t mind being rejected. Like I said, I’ve read so many accounts where women felt like they couldn’t say no, but later regretted it, that I’m really hesitant to be aggressive at all. Once I’m in a relationship with someone, though, I have no problem being aggressive, but in the beginning, I’d prefer the woman be explicit.

  3. fiwa

    Wouldn’t it be great if everyone where that honest on the first date? That would be a really handy thing to exchange with someone before you went out. Have you ever thought about doing that -sending it to a potential date and asking for one in return? I know you do/did some online dating.

    I would date you, if I were single and lived in Florida. πŸ˜‰

  4. Becky

    Let’s be honest, paying the bill for the meal means that while I’m in the ladies room, you can (and did) encourage my daughter to build things with her mashed potatoes. Leaving me in a position of being unable to say anything to her about it, because “Heeeee told meee toooo”.

  5. Poppy

    I’m up for drinks and dinner!! But, just as your awesome friend who brings her even awesome boyfriend along. When you two get together it’s like YOU TWO are dating. πŸ˜‰

    I don’t need to sell you, but just in case anyone’s in disbelief: Adam really is like this. And he’s really funny.

  6. Lou

    How brave and kind of you to post this! Divorced 2 years ago and SO grateful that my one and only ‘rebound’ relationship is panning out – I wouldn’t have wanted to date at 40+. Best of luck and HAVE FUN!!

  7. Allyson

    If I started the date out honestly by saying that I’m already with someone, but just wanted to have a night out for dinner, drinks, laughs and stories – would you still finish the date? If it couldn’t be romantic, would you let me pay at least my half? Or maybe we could do the whole, you pay this time, I’ll get the next one?

  8. Jenn

    You sound like quite the Prince Charming! Sounds pretty good after getting out of a 10yr relationship to someone that was more into himself than anyone else. Shoot, I moved to Orlando b/c that is where he wanted to live and then never came down. I’m a little bitter…mainly because that was 10yrs! Now I have to figure out this dating crap…Blah!

  9. tracey

    Don’t know if it’s been said already, but #6 may need a second chance clause. Most people aren’t used to being accepted without being judged and will hold back at least some items from their past until they trust you individually. Just a thought, because I am thinking that “absolute honesty” is way more difficult for people to just jump into than you realize.

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