Pee Wee Herman at the sign for the Alamo

What If Texas Succeeds And Secedes?

Using the mechanism created by the Obama administration to allow any US citizen to create a petition and have it heard by the US government, a resident of Arlington, Texas, created a petition to request the secession of Texas from the United States. Granted, even with the 70,000 signatures, many of which have no way of being verified as being legitimate or coming from Texas citizens, secession is not an option, but what if it was? I’d like to make some predictions as to the timeline if Texas actually seceded from the United States of America:

Pee Wee Herman at the sign for the Alamo

November 9, 2012: Micah H., from Arlington, starts a petition that receives enough signatures to warrant the federal government’s attention.

November 23, 2012: President Barack Obama grants Texas the right to secede, and preparations are made for the secession to become official on January 1, 2013.

December 31, 2012: The city of Austin is deserted, along with every other progressive intellectual center in Texas, with the former Texans all moving to Santa Fe, New Mexico.

January 1, 2013: El Paso secedes to Mexico.

January 4, 2013: Due to an unfortunate typographical error when creating the newly formed constitution, the new country is now called Texsa.

January 5, 2013: Texsa changes its slogan to “Everything’s the same size here.”

January 7, 2013: Everybody in the United States forgets the Alamo.

January 14, 2013: Plans are unveiled for the Great Wall of Texsa, which would encircle the former state and station armed forces every thirteen feet along the top of the wall. Additional plans for a moat are vetoed but only because Florida refuses to sell Texsa any alligators.

February 18, 2013: Attempts to launch the Texsa National Aeronautics Space System fail when it’s discovered that all of the Texsa textbooks neglected to teach science in lieu of religious doctrine.

March 7, 2013: The citizens of Texsa vote for their new leaders in districts drawn up by county. Many Texsans are shocked to discover that their new government is now run primarily by Latinos.

March 19, 2013: Texsa makes Spanish and English its dual official languages and requires all students to learn both languages in school, mandates bilingual signs and government documents, and grants amnesty to all illegal immigrants still in the country of Texsa.

March 25, 2013: The Texsa Department of Energy, having been forgotten by former governor Rick Perry, attempts a coup of the new Texsan government and fails.

May 22, 2013: The Texsa government makes an almost unanimous resolution and petitions the United States for permission to rejoin as a state. However, the United States rejects the petition, as it is perfectly happy with its newest (and larger) 50th state, Canada.

June 18, 2013: Texsa becomes part of Mexico. All non-Spanish speaking citizens of Texsa manage to find work dismantling the giant wall and working as ranch hands.

 

15 thoughts on “What If Texas Succeeds And Secedes?”

  1. There is a fear among some Republicans in Texas that the influx of Latino voters into the state combined with the strict anti-immigration stance of some of the leaders of the party could result in the state going blue as soon as 2020 or 2030.

    So if they wanna secede, they had better do it now.

  2. Or we could just wait until the polar ice caps melt and make Texas an island. Maybe then it will be easier to separate out from the rest of the country.

    Ice Caps Melt: January, 2013
    Texas becomes an Island: February 2013
    Hawaii-like temperatures turn Texas Island into a tourist attraction: June 2013

  3. Laughed till I cried on this one.
    I’ve heard many Texans over the years brag about the fact that they can legally succeed, since it was apparently part of the agreement they made when they entered the Union. Do you know if that’s really the case? Regardless, I’ve always felt that we should call their bluff on that one, and your timeline perfectly illustrates the fallout. Great work!

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